The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a best friend who is a recovering alcoholic. My attitute toward the friend is "always a friend, no matter what." However, since seeking help and treatment in 2000, he has become distant and very nervous around me. He claims we are still friends, but his actions don't show it. I don't see the friend much any more, but this spring he kind of jokingly, with a very nervous tone said he blames me for his alcoholism. In reality we were both willing and able. For that I'd accept 50% of the blame, but not 100%. I am a non-drinker with a family now.
1. Do I apologize, accepting 50% of the blame, simply because I was an accomplice? Even though he may or may not have meant it as a joke, I'd like to think it was in his subliminal mind somewhere, to say such a thing.
2. Is it common for a recovering alcoholic to assign blame to someone or something?
Why can't I move on? I feel hurt by his actions, but even after months I just can't seem to dodge it. Even with living miles away now, I purposely have avoided contact with him, hoping he might take a step my way, and make contact, instead of the other way around. - The loss of friendship is almost like coping with a death. Can anyone relate?
If your friend has been successfully sober since 2000 and at that point went through a treatment program, he KNOWS that you did not cause his alcoholism. My son has been sober, relapsed, been sober, relapsed, etc. He sometimes mentions friends who "drink and party......they are not innocent". Now he knows they did not cause his problem...he knows without a doubt. But I sense that he is jealous and quite angry that he cannot "drink and party" in a normal way...meaning knowing when to quit and knowing consequences before getting out of control and knowing they don't NEED alcohol in the same way he does. He is angry about that and angry that he has the disease. I can imagine your friend might also feel this way.
If telling him you are sorry about your part in his problem will make you feel better, fine. In the sense that you may have partied and drank with him, not knowing how he was being affected. It might or might not make him feel differently. On some level, he may just not be able to continue the association because it isn't the SAME association as it once was.
It may be that as friendships go, this one has served its purpose in both your lives. I am in my sixties and certainly I have had friends during phases of life who no longer are friends. On the other hand, there are some who have remained close and always will.
I think you are a sensitive person, a caring friend to even be posting these questions. Good for you.
Some people's relationships do change dramatically in recovery. As hard as it is don't take this personally. If you leave the door open maybe things will work themselves out.
I agree with what TenderHeart has said about the recovering alcoholic in true sobriety and the blame game.
However...my alcoholic son who has been sober and in recovery for the last 15 months HAD to make changes in his lifestyle to be able to continue to heal and recover from this disease. One of the first things that he had to change was the *friends* of past party days. Many of those friends were drinking buddies...plain and simple. They were not the cause of his alcoholism. But they were a part of a life he led that involved drinking. Sure, some of them were confused and hurt that he chose not to associate with them once he decided to seek sobriety. After all, he had to start his journey to recovery and healing by eliminating the largest obstacles that would be in his path.
This friendship you and your friend had may be a trigger for him. Only he knows. And only he can choose and decide what will work for him in his own journey. If he even jokingly places blame on you for his alcoholism, it is more proof that he needs his program even more since he obviously has a long struggle ahead of him yet. Remember, you did not cause his alcoholism.
The deeper your friend gets into his program and recovery, things may change between you. Then again, things may not. But it will have to be your friend's decision. Just as he has to own his disease, he has to set his own limits and boundaries for his own healing and recovery. As his friend, you may need to step out of his way and let go.
