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I know that I need to focus on me and detach from my A hubby, but here is the thing, I have a strong suspicion that he cheated on me. I dont want to say I can deal with the drinking part, knowing that darn well I cant, but I can deal with that better than I can sitting here thinking he cheated on me. How am I ever going to trust him if I dont really know what happened. I havent came straight out and asked, to afraid to, and well to be honest, he doesnt seem all to interested in talking with me. He went out twice drinking and all night and well I have NO CLUE where he was or with whom. and now there is some semi evidence that he cheated. and well without him coming straight out and telling me what REALLY happened, even if he didnt cheat, I will always think this. Not knowing is eating me up inside. How can our marriage go on with no trust, and how can he ever expect me to be intimite with him again in the future if I think he cheated on me. Hello there are so many diseases out there. I just wish he would tell me but he wont and well I know I need to stop obsessing over it, but I just want to yell and scream at him, where were you, were you with this girl, who is she, why is her number on your cell phone bill. where did you go all night... but i havent . I am trying to keep it together , for my sake. Will I ever get answers? even if i do will they be the truth? This is a whole new game my husband is playing. Sure i have played the drinking game, the abusive game, the blow all the money game and the sneaking out game, but this game, the lying and cheating game . Well this game is new and I dont like it. It is hard for me to lie down next to him at night to go to sleep. It hurts, it hurts really bad..
The way it sounds it might be best to walk away...? at least temporarily?
Do you have a job/source of income & financial independence, friends or relatives you could stay over with? Frankly the 'blow all the money' & 'abusive game' would have sent me away already...
at least make him sleep on the couch or something.. or *you* go sleep on the couch...
How about marriage counselling? I read if there was cheating there's hope for the marriage only if you both seek counselling & find out why it happened in the first place, & if you both want to keep the marriage...
In my experience addicts and alcoholics lie constantly... even to the point that they start believing their lies. If I was in your shoes, I'd call him out on it so that he knows that you aren't blind to his actions, or lack of actions. More than likely he wont like that, but oh well--too friggen bad. You deserve the truth, he's your husband. I would also have myself tested for STD's. I actually did that when I found out my ex was sleeping with strippers from some sleazy strip club. Thankfully it was negative otherwise I would have flipped out on him.
As far as sleeping next to him at night, I dont think I could do it. The thought of my ex with another woman ate me up inside. I remember him once asking me what was wrong, why was I being so distant. My response was " I cant being sexually intimate with you when I cant be emotionally intimate with you".
Don't let him play his games thinking he can get away with it because it will only get worse.
These are just my opinions. Take what you like, leave the rest.
Yours in recovery HeartBroken
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I have been where you are, as have many others, and unless you've been there you have no idea how much it really hurts, do you?? I did the yelling and screaming and making him promise, but at the end of the day, when he was drunk again, none of that meant anything. In the morning, when he said he loved me and he would never stay out all night again or see the bar sl*t again, I think he meant it. I would hang onto it like it was Gospel and then I could get through my day. But then it all fell apart that evening. Over and over, I put myself through that hell--isn't that the definition of insanity?? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I was just a crazy as he was!! It took me alot of recovery to realize that my AH didn't do it to me, I let his actions control me and almost destroy me. He wasn't doing it intentionally--I don't think he even thought about me much. The truth is, he was a drunk and he was doing what drunks, who are spiraling out of control, do.
If your A is active, my experience is that you cannot trust the words, you have to look at the actions. Also, after years of living in the disease, I turned denial into an art form. I dismissed my gut feelings and tried to explain everything away so that it all made sense in my mind and I could avoid the pain of dealing with the damage caused by active addiction. Today, I do not ignore my gut feelings--more times than not, they are right.
I would encourage you to find some F2F meetings and, for me, IC (individual counseling) was essential. I found a counselor who was familiar with addiction and recovery and she helped me find my way back, too. You need to get the focus on YOU.
Keep coming back!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
BEing that he is an A go with the idea that no, you will never ever get the truth, you will never have all the facts. You are basing all of your reactions on him...what HE will say, do, act like. If HE will tell you the truth (he won't). The facts are the facts. You can believe them or overlook them. THAT is your choice, your truth. You have to decide what YOU want to do with YOUR pain, mistrust, anger because it is YOURS. He cannot take any of that away for you. He cannot make any of it better for you.
Even if he came right out and PROVED somehow, with facts that he has never cheated you still would have to live with the memories of the pain you were in just feeling like he cheated.
In my experience, if I felt like he was cheating, he was. And the fact that I even suspected my A of cheating was very telling of where our marriage stood. I didn't give up with the first affair I found out about. I tried and tried to fix it. I owned MY feelings about it all and I took responsibility for MY pain. That's all good and would have been really healthy if he had worked as hard at regaining my trust and love. He didn't. It takes two to make a marriage work and three to wreck it.
The STD thing is REAL. I caught a couple from my husband. I figured because he was my HUSBAND I was safe from STD's regardless of what he was sleeping with. Whoops. So, protect yourself and DO NOT rely on an A to protect you. EVER. Just my esh, take what you like and leave the rest. ((((((princess)))))
In my experience, that is one of those questions that can wrap you up completely, but it (the truth) will come out in due time. Asking him about it right now is pointless.... he will either tell you he did, or that he didn't, and I'm betting that if he says he did not, you wouldn't believe him anyways....
Try to focus on you, as best as you are able....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
One day at a time. I am still very very badly hurt by what the A did. I don't let it obsess me in the way it did. There is grief and anger lots of it to be worked through. I think if you look hard in this room you'll find lots of people who are indeed happy after absolutely tragic actions by an A. Some of them reconciled, some of them didn't. The issue is with the tools of the program they felt better over time. So yes some people do indeed get better.
Well I did it, I went to see him at work, had to anyways to go pick up the paycheck ( not letting him hold on to the money anymore..) and well he asked where my wedding ring was and I said what are you serious , you got to be kidding me.. So finally I just thought to heck with this, I am going to say what I have to say, whether he lies to me or not, ( and I knew he would, obviously), so I did it, I got everything off my chest and well I feel SOOO much better. Even knowing it wouldnt help, just saying it to him, letting him know I know made me feel better inside. It gave me somewhat some peace. It didnt take the fact away of what I was saying but it helped. Of course he denied everything, even with the proof I have. He still denied it. I told him I dont know for a fact if you cheated, actually slept with someone, but to me even if you were talking and getting a girls number, that is cheating... So no I dont think he might have actually slept with a girl, but , well I think he did meet someone and well who knows and well at this point it is all the same to me. He said he sees my point of view ( of course he does, he just got busted ) and well he is soo sorry for acting like a jack a_ s... He said he didnt mean anything he said on Sunday , he drank to much, and well you know blah blah blah, Heard it before , gone down that road and well like I told him its not about that now. I am so over apologies , its time for me to take care of me. and to be honest i told him its not about him now... its about me... He wants to try marriage counseling, and I said okay. sure why not, what is is going to hurt at this point, but I did point out to him that we tried it before and well unless he is willing to realize HE has a drinking problem and work on his recovery, no therapy in the world is going to help us. I also told him that there is going to be a trust issue now between us and that was that.. So no I didnt get any big answers resolved. oh wait he did tell me what he " supposdly " did on Sunday, not to leave me in the dark anymore.. Wow thanks for that one dude, not like I believe a word coming out of your mouth. I like what someone posted on here the response for the whole intimicy thing, I am going to use the I cant be sexually intimate when I am not feeling emotionally intimiate... I love that response.. So that was it. I could tell he was still lying , of course and well didnt expect that to change a bit. I just wanted to tell him I knew he was lying and that I had to get it off my chest. No yelling, no screaming, nothing like that, just me talking and him trying to come up with defensse excuses.. So thats that, I feel better now, as better as I can. going to my first meeting tonight after my Weight Watchers meeting. I think this day is turning out okay. so far... Hugs to all, Lori
Hello Loretta, first of all let me say I'm so sorry that your life is in turmoil. I'm not sure if you have children and if you are married but, if you have kids and you live in this kind of home..... this affects everyone and the inappriopriate abuse you are dealing with is just not right. Everyone is sufferng from it, I know I am the oldest boy of an alcoholic father, that ended up having to become the father figure , protector at an earlier age. I remember seeing my father beat my mother and all the other abuse we had gone through.... no money , going to the salvation army for food, clothes etc. the shame it breeds into one's being at a young age, is so unfair, unreal and uncalled for. My father wasn't the only unhealthy one though, as my mother continued through out her life , going out with drunks. I had to defend her and my sisters and younger brothers many , many times. I can remember back to a time when one of her boyfriends that had tried to beat her, had passed out on the couch drunk, he was face up drowning , suffocating on his own vomit... I so wanted to just leave him, but knew it just wasn't right and turned him over on his side, he stopped turning blue and came to.( I was about 11 at that time) so enough about me. Just trying to let you know, it's not just about you and hubby...I don't think he deserves to be called that... but that's just me. YOU don't nor should the kids have to live like that. I stress, it's not about him anymore, I encourage you to call a women's shelter or call a distress line for info. Marriage counselling isn't going to fix this , at least not right now. Sorry to tell you this , but true. Been there , done that. I also know this cuz it's out of order. He may go once maybe twice, but until he admits there is a problem with him.....on his own, you can't force the issue or fix it. I'm not telling you anything here you don't already know I'm sure , but the more you hear it, it may sink in. This I know also as I'm married to an addict (RX meds and alcohol) 24 years . You need to heal from all the tragedy in your life currently and past and so does he. It's imperative that you take care of you, get help for you...and that starts by calling someone to help you. This is the right place to start honestly, if you want this situation to change and it sounds like you do, and ever really have a chance to have a positive , healthy future. So I'm not trying to tell you what you should decide on, just given you some- been there done that info. (ps) It's scary, but real, don't deny it or put up with it, don't be a door mat. You are worth more then that. Once you and everyone realizes this, something amazing could happen. It's amazing how it can positively effect your life and positively effect other's. REALLY for the BETTER. psps- I'm new to this online stuff, and apologize if I'm out of line with my suggestions and or advice.. probably not suppose to give it, but guess what too bad, so sad cuz it's way too close to home and felt it the right thing to do. So take what you want and leave the rest... but do take care of you, it's obvious no-one else is...I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
hello BIG guy, no I did not take offense to anything... I appreciate everything everyone has to say, especially ones that have been there.. Thank god my daughter is 18 and out of the house , but she already has seen enough with her step dad to have a strong disliking, I use that term instead of the word hate she uses... So no small children at home, but not saying it like that cuz I do need to take care of myself. My " hubby " and i agree doesnt deserve that title, doesnt hit me or anything but he is verbally abusive and emotionally, and to me I think this is worse. I just got off the phone and said I am willing to give the marriage counseling a try, but told him again that until he realizes he has a problem with drinking and not as he says " drinks to much and becomes a jack a_s " well then nothing, no marriage counseling in the world isnt going to work... I told him I am focusing on myself and getting my self healthier and better right now. so that was that...
. Whoops. So, protect yourself and DO NOT rely on an A to protect you. EVER. Just my esh, take what you like and leave the rest. ((((((princess)))))