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I need some help guys. I am really trying to focus on me and my newfound program and have attended 2 f2f mtgs and have started reading many of the recommended books. HOWEVER, it seems the littlest things set me off and I end up ranting and becoming furious with my ASoberBF. I just don't have any trust anymore and am having a very hard time now that he is sober believing him. My boundry was if he drank he would not live with me; well he tried to hide it, I found out, called him on it, he lied (of course) and out he went for 3 months. I then found this site and Alanon and started to make some good progress. He was going to AA and said he was sober; I really didn't get involved in his recovery and that was helpful to me. He came back home a few weeks ago and I find myself obsessing over what he is doing, thinking he is lying etc, and generally driving myself crazy. When does this go away???? Or is the damage done and the trust forever broken? that is my fear because I can't live with the craziness I am putting myself through. Anyone have any esh on these destructive feelings and how to help me get through them? thank you
It's likely not so much a trust issue and more likely a control issue. It will fade when you believe, truly believe, that you have no control. When you realize you don't, you give up and hand it over to your HP to take care of and leave it with your HP. You also must understand that he has his own HP and it is not you. Lastly, how would you feel if he was going through your things, your purse, drawers to try to bust you? It's a invasion of his personal space. An alcoholic will always eventually show you what they are doing. If he is sober right now, it is time to enjoy this time and make the best of it.
keep trying, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Mass, I think when you decide to let go of anger and suspicion, things will get better for YOU. I suggest trying to think of what are the opposites of anger, of suspicion....serenity, trust. This program is to help you get better and no one else, so don't let the A's actions control you just as you can't control the A. Keep coming back. :) pw
(Mass) Go to search at the top of the page and type in anger, or trust. I just did that and there are 69 topics started with responses to each one. You might find the ESP you need by reading past posts from members of MIP. Good luck and keep going to your f2f meetings. (HUGS) RLC
Remember that you are just starting your own recovery and the goal is progress not perfection.
It got easier with me when I really embraced Step 1 (a step that I revisit often). Just as I am powerless over the alcohol, I am powerless over the A. The A will do whatever he/she wants to do. The only person that I have any control over is me. I had to decide what I could live with (or not). I let the A know my boundaries, but only after I was sure that I could/would enforce them. And then I had to let it go and keep the focus on me.
I learned the hard way that whenever I made an ultimatum and then didn't follow through with it, my A lost respect for me and my boundaries. That is why the Program suggests that we "say what we mean, mean what we say, and don't say it mean."
Hang in there and keep coming back. Embrace those F2F meetings and the folks there--they will support you through this.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
-- Edited by SLS at 23:22, 2008-10-01
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
The trick for me was,"I cannot stop a river from flowing to the ocean,I cannot stop the rain whether I know it or not,and I have NO control over the A,what he does,whether he lies,or whatever."
I expect nothing.The only way I could live with him was to accept him as is,or not live with him. We all have the right to be who or what we are. It is none of my business if he uses or not. I make boundaries.If he is using, and I have a boundary that I won't live with it,then I leave or he does.
there are no pointing fingers,fights,lies,arguing. Just the fact I will not live with a using A. I do not believe in believing anyone,or trusting or not trusting. I accept everyone as is.IF I don't like what they do,I don't associate with them. If they show up great,if not,oh well.
Aloha Mass...You have the literature look up the pages in the index on anger and suspicion...(don't know about that one) and then read slowly. One of the things I got from the literature that stayed deeply and helped me to lower the flame of my compulsive anger was about "accepting the fact of the situation". When I accepted the fact that she was an alcoholic and had done this and that was continueing to do this and to do that the acceptance took my anger to a lower level. I started accepting her for exactly who she was and that I married her that way and that she was that way before we met. Suspicion? that one comes to me in a kinda karma thingy. "What I don't know can't hurt me...what I suspect will kill me." That is what I was doing and I stopped..."cold turkey".
The other feedback is great also. It's all suggestion and we take what we like and leave the rest.
Hun, I'm pretty sure the majority of us know how you feel. If it's one thing I've learned quickly in this program is that we understand each other like no one else can. I can tell you, this is something I still struggle with on a daily basis. The way I've been dealing with it so far is pretty much what JerryF said - understanding and accepting that this is the man I've stepped into a relationship with and my suspicions just heighten any feelings of resentment I may have toward him. I work on these feelings one day at a time and ask my HP to get me through each day with an open heart, an open mind, and a closed mouth. Basically I give those feelings over to my HP and trust that my partner is working his program and I am working mine and we're doing the best we can. If, for whatever reason, my partner does return to his 'old ways' then I'm learning to be secure in the fact that I am learning enough about myself in the program to deal with that situation if it arises. But for right now, it's one day at a time...
*hug*
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"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self." -Aristotle
The best way that I have learned to deal with this is...the only expectations I have of my A son is that he COULD relapse at any time. That is part of the disease. By not obsessing about it and wondering if he is lying about something or not I tell myself he COULD be. That is part of his disease.
BOTTOM LINE----I have no control and I thank God that I don't.
What I've come to realize was anger is fed by fear. Find out with the help of a sponsor by doing work on you..what it is you really fear.
Some fear trust issues. Some fear being alone. Some fear they had a part in it. Some fear the A is drinking due to their behaviors.
Once you identify where your fear lies and no longer continue to be a victim to or slave to those fears the anger begins to subside.
Trust was a biggy with me, it made me feel victimized until I came to an agreement in my own mind. They would need to earn my trust back in actions not words. I didn't even have to verbalize it, it simply was what it was. I also came to the realization, they can find help with their disease but will always have it. Just like I will always have curly hair or blue eyes.
Some fear having to make a life long choice that will affect the ending of a relationship. Once again that's work you do on you, not on the A.
Perhaps ending the crazy making of sniffing their breath for signs, ending the search for bottles hidden, keeping a mental note of their trips away from home.
Some have long embedded issues of being lied to and living with an A feel it's their right to confront all that pent up anger. It's simply not so. You are no more in charge of his life then he is of yours.
Get to more meetings, select a sponsor, begin the steps to serenity peace love and understanding. Stop taking the blame or credit for someone elses life.
wow, this really hit it on the head. I can see how this is my control issue. I don't seem to have this insight yet so thank you for pointing it out. I can understand now what I am doing wrong. I guess I can read all I want but if I don't acknowledge what is wrong, I wont know how to fix it. Thank you for turning my "lightbulb on". I never thought of it in this context. dd
Well the living together stuff would be hard for me. Don't get me wrong I used to crave to live with someone. I wanted the togetherness, I wanted to be a "we". I wanted all the pluses that come with it. At the same time there is a lot of negative when there is an active addict in tow.
Is it either or?
What did you do inbetween the living together stuff. What was the place he lived at before.
Please don't get me wrong. I broke up with the A I was with last year. I had a long negotiation with him last summer about possibly getting back together again I did not live with him then but I certainly spent a lot of time with him and I actively really actively wanted to live together again.
I mean does it have to be live together. Generally an addict has really a lot of stress/chaos going on in their lives so the living together benefits them but does it benefit you?
How can you take a break, set up space for yourself.
When I reunited with the a last summer I deliberately spent some weekends apart from him.That really helped because I was exhausted. Eventually I got to the point of realizing it was always going to be non stop chaos with him and I no longer could "do" that. Before then I wanted so desperately to have a "relationship" I thought trying and trying and trying for ever was worth it.
I was always obsessed with how the A was, what he was doing, what the lies were (there were many) what was the next train wreck that was coming down the line. I had many of them. A's do tend to live in lots and lots of chaos. For me al anon is all about busting out of that roller coaster, the control for me was part of trying to deal with it. Now I don't deal with it.The A who I was certainly has lots and lots and lots of chaos. I don't doubt it for one minute (although I don't investigate it anymore). The people who I live with also have lots and lots and lots of chaos. I make huge efforts, have huge brick walls up so that it does not affect me. I will be putting in more brick walls, total non communication with some of them to stop it affecting me.
For me so much of the control was about looking good. I am not at a point anymore where I want to dress up that living around any A is "pretty" . It no longer is pretty for me but I 'm also not going to clean up their mess for them anymore. I cleaned up enough and I cleaned up for the last time physically recently around one of the A"s who I share a house with. Next time I have a plan be.
So I'd encourage you to get to a plan be, not the bust up the relationship one but the how do I find space one for you. Takes a lot of brain storming sometimes.
Maresie, to answer some of your questions; I had no knowledge of alanon when I first broke up with my ABF. I just knew I couldn't live with him if he was going to continue drinking, he didn't stop when I told him I couldn't handle it anymore so I had him move out. He started going to AA and I ended up going to Alanon with my friend, as a support for her because her AH had just left her. I didn't think it applied to me....was I wrong!! It was a new awakening. My BF went back to his parents because he was convinced all I needed was a few weeks to "see that he was serious". Well, I knew that I needed to work on myself and I have never needed or depended on a man so I was in no rush to let him move back in. I am fortunate and grateful to have a career that allows me to be self sufficient. Well, after 3 months of him working on himself and me working (or trying to anyway) on myself I let him come home. This was not an easy decision for me and I made it after long discussions about what I could and couldn't live with in a relationship. That was a couple of weeks ago and I am having a hard time with all of my feelings. I was going along fine, reading the posts here, trying to read some books etc but in reality my obsessive worry about what he was doing started to sneak back in, that is what I have a problem with;;;;myself. He is actually doing well and is being supportive of me. I went to my 2nd f2f meeting the other night and am realizing that "working the program" takes more than just reading some books and hoping it will sink in. I am going to try and get a sponsor at my meeting next week, keep reading this board and I just contacted Canada guy for his book. My BF knows that my boundries are in place and if he starts to drink again I just can't live with it. It is the unknown that scares me, but I guess that is part of "letting go and letting God". Thanks for your ESH
I need some help guys. I am really trying to focus on me and my newfound program and have attended 2 f2f mtgs and have started reading many of the recommended books. HOWEVER, it seems the littlest things set me off and I end up ranting and becoming furious with my ASoberBF. I just don't have any trust anymore and am having a very hard time now that he is sober believing him. My boundry was if he drank he would not live with me; well he tried to hide it, I found out, called him on it, he lied (of course) and out he went for 3 months. I then found this site and Alanon and started to make some good progress. He was going to AA and said he was sober; I really didn't get involved in his recovery and that was helpful to me. He came back home a few weeks ago and I find myself obsessing over what he is doing, thinking he is lying etc, and generally driving myself crazy. When does this go away???? Or is the damage done and the trust forever broken? that is my fear because I can't live with the craziness I am putting myself through. Anyone have any esh on these destructive feelings and how to help me get through them?
