The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
something in me feels like it is dying this is scarey it has happended to me before. this is the part in my program where i always turn back. higher power has brought this issue [defect] to my attention more than once. when i pray for wisdom and higher power brings something to my attention, by way of moral inventory , i have a choice, i can deal with it now, i can deal with it later, or i don't have to deal with it all.. i am dealing it with it now. i was brought up in a certain lifetsyle. higher power has shown me that my reaction to some of my behaviors has been from a lifetime of my own learning. if i want things to be different, i have to be different. the difference that i want can only come, when the way i learned to be the way i am, goes. i have changed my way of dress, even my hairstyle. the first time i did this several years ago, i got so scared of the change in me, that i grew my hair back and replaced my wardrobe with the clothes i was used to wearing. i quit alanon. i went back to submissive. after a few years of no alonon in my life and no improvements in my life, i went back to alanon, and, it happened again. got rid of all my religious clothes changed my hairstyle and worked toward being different. this time i wasn't so scared, but, i could not get used to this new me, i kept the changes in my wardrobe, but i let my hair grow back. last year, i took the leap. I CUT MY HAIR, pixie short. oh.... i thought, "i am so cute". but, there were people around who did not like my short hair. i struggled with myself..... their opinion, or mine? a year later i still have pixie short hair and short skirts and dresses; not mini , mini short skirts and dresses, but, cutesy short. and, i am still in alanon. [ my religion and the councelling i recieved taught me that self hope programs such as this were not God's way] i have come to realize that the opinion of myself and the way i react to situations is as much a way i was brought up as the affects of alcohol on my life. as i work the program these behavior defects have to be removed. they are so much a part of me that when higher power does begin the process of removing these shortcoming........ i get frightened......, what is this feeling? it is unfamiliar...., my loved ones too have a difficult time with the changes....., mom is changing, wife is changing, sister is changing, daughter is changing, aunty is changing, friend is changing...., their reaction to the changes in me can send me back to my comfort zone as quicky as my own fear of the new feelings. as these new feelings evolve..... strength , courage, confidence, independance...., then something else within me begins to die. this death in me feeling can be and has been horribly scarey for me . i have been praying through it this time. i am letting the old feeling [the defect that kept me from moving on]fade away, it is almost painful, it is very real, it is going , going, going, and, someday gone.
you know,it almost sounds like you want to allow yourself to mature and grow up.
you were holding back,everytime it got too uncomfortable. Change is hard,growing up is hard.But when we do let ourselves become that person we know we are,face that conflict and step ahead,we become strong and know our own power.'
We learn it is ok to be who we are,and who we want to be.
Alanon helps us with that,with all the tools, support, and a safe place to go.
I found me. I like me. No one tells me what to do when it touches."me." I would not take my one turquoise bracelet off,when I had surgery.I took the rest off.But it was given to me by my AH.It means a lot to me.
One gal remembered me from the knee surgery and said,don't bother.she means it.lol
they were great. I wear what I feel is me.I am not into what is in. I like to be comfortable,and being feminine and modest.
I will not back down to anyone,if there is an emergency,I will be there for you.
My moral and spiritual law is first.
You will find hon,it will set you free.Go for it. You will be fine.The people who love you,will love you no matter what. Even if your hair is blue and ya wear an ankle bracelet.
lol I can relate... When I was 19 I cut my hair really short too.. My Dad was shocked & almost disowned me lol :) My Mom & aunt were the only ones who thought it cute... :)
everyone else was like, 'Can't you have it at least a bit longer' lol...
I have loong hair now, but I don't wash it.. lol I found it on the internet, you just use water & no shampoo, or just a hairbrush & no washing at all... (there's special treatments :)) Everybody is a bit aghast, but I'm doing this for myself & the planet.. why should I use toxic chemicals..? I may start using water again.. but it will be because I want to, not because someone else thinks I must or something...
Your growth is quite inspiring... It was really good to hear about your transitions!! :)
thank you for your replies change takes courage.... i have found i like the adventure. in spite of my loved ones reactions. the feelings of the old me dying [for lack of a better term] and, the new me living, has been so unfamiliar as to be quite frightening. i have often compared myslef to the little hobbit Bilbo Baggins , who did not want to leave the comfort of his little home for the adventure he was destined to take. what a true Master he became.
