The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This thinking about my exbf is driving me crazy. I don't sleep well, wake up with thoughts of him. I wish I could just shut my mind off. I have been doing ok. Still cry, but I also keep busy. I have signed up for an exercise class 2x week and have been doing other things to get out and about. I have also been going to about 4 meetings a week.
At my regular meeting last night, one of the AA members that me and my ex used to talk to came up to me and asked me where my ex has been. I was having a hard time last night, so I talked to him a while and explained what had happened. Then another AA member joined the conversation and we ended up talking for about 45 minutes. They were very nice and it was good to talk. I don't know if I should have told them what is going on, as I don't know if that was the proper thing to do, but they asked so??? They said it sounds like he just wasn't ready. Who knows. But I wish I could stop second guessing myself with everything I do. I don't know if that's from being with the A for so long, but this morning I'm thinking "maybe I shouldn't have said that or this". I hate it. I wish my confidence would come back. I wish I would stop caring what the ex is doing. Wondering if he is doing this and that and with whom - wondering if he is doing well.
Yesterday my feelings were of such shame and embarresment. That I couldn't believe I let someone (my ex) treat me and talk to me the way he did over the years. I guess It's just one of the emotions I am going through lately. Seem to be feeling them all - guilt, shame, anger, acceptance, etc.
Just wish it would stop and my mind would be clear.
it's good to hear from you again. I was thinking about you yesterday wondering how you were doing. I don't think you should beat yourself up over talking to the AA members. They asked, you told them what you felt you could tell them, it made you feel better. It's good to have people who understand, and I think even though they are in AA, there are many similarities. I noticed that at the last open AA speaker meeting.
The speaker talked about some of the same slogans and things that alanon talks about. I had a conversation with an AA guy a while back after the meeting, and he talks to my bf after meetings sometimes. I also thought the same thing you thought after I talked with him, but I let it go. Alanon respects anonymity and AA does too. The guy told me his story and I'm not going to tell others, besides his mom is in alanon.
Your confidence will come back and things will get better. I try to pick up an alanon book when I'm not happy with whatever situation, it calms me down and makes things look brighter.
I was addicted to my A. And when we split, I went thru a withdrawl worse than he did when he was comming off crack. And the desire for him, for the relationship was still there. Imagine, all these feelings you are having, about yourself and for him, are the same ones he has for alcohol. Hard stuff, I know.
Here's the good part....this too shall pass. The absoulte best thing you can do you are doing. Get to meetings, as many as you can (I was going to 8 a week, more if I could). I talked and talked and talked. I talked to AA's and alanon's.
YOu're doing great and I hope it may comfort you a bit to know you are not alone and I have been where you are and it does get better with time. I am sure there are many of us here who have.
Keep on keeping on, the pain and confusion will lesson.
Just want to add, that I, too, have been horrified to recall the abuse that I had tolerated over the years. Here's where the serenity prayer took on a new meaning for me... MY PART in it all. I cannot change what I did in the past, I see it now, I am aware, and I accept it. I choose to keep coming to al-anon to effect a change in me, and to continue my awakening.
Thank HP, I am no longer sleep-walking. I am waking up, but I am still a little confused about where I've been and where I'm going. It's reasonable to give ourselves some time and to allow the program to grow in us, one day at a time. My HP forgives me for how I mistreated myself in the past and teaches me how to take better care of myself through al-anon. What a gift. Remember, we did the best we could with what we knew. Heck, we were sleep-walking!
You are very wise. You can probably see already that you are in a state of learning and unlearning. That would explain all the emotions you are feeling. Be gentle with yourself, easy does it.
((((You)))) are doing very well. You are Honest, Open and Willing, that is HOW it works and you are doing it! We are walking through this together. I am so glad, I am not alone.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Just want to add, that I, too, have been horrified to recall the abuse that I had tolerated over the years. Here's where the serenity prayer took on a new meaning for me... MY PART in it all. I cannot change what I did in the past, I see it now, I am aware, and I accept it. I choose to keep coming to al-anon to effect a change in me, and to continue my awakening.
Thank HP, I am no longer sleep-walking. I am waking up, but I am still a little confused about where I've been and where I'm going. It's reasonable to give ourselves some time and to allow the program to grow in us, one day at a time. My HP forgives me for how I mistreated myself in the past and teaches me how to take better care of myself through al-anon. What a gift. Remember, we did the best we could with what we knew. Heck, we were sleep-walking!
You are very wise. You can probably see already that you are in a state of learning and unlearning. That would explain all the emotions you are feeling. Be gentle with yourself, easy does it.
((((You)))) are doing very well. You are Honest, Open and Willing, that is HOW it works and you are doing it! We are walking through this together. I am so glad, I am not alone.
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
No need to take the stick and beat up on yourself. We call it the first step when we are ready to turn it over. Who knows why the A acts as he does. I certainly spent 7 years wondering why the ex did. Now I don't. Guess what he still acts the same as far as I know. Still chaos, still craziness, still out there. I've been gone a year or more. He still behaves the same, still drunk, still using, still whatever. I don't need to check up on him, nothing changed for him. I changed. The issue is you have to change. Who knows why he did it and why you did it. The issue is you are changing. You are reaching out for help. It is possible to get better. One great great great resouce to look at is the archives. Read through how others uses to post, total obsession, total misery to another place. If you read other people do it you can start to imagine you wil do it. Stop beating yourself to a pulp girl.
Of course it will take time to stop missing him. Of course it is hard. They take up every single minute of our time and energy. Did you get the Book Getting them Sober. Toby Rice Drew has a wonderful reassuring way to cut to the chase. She cuts through all the mystery, chaos and confusion and gets right into it.
Thanks everyone. I do have the Toby Rice book, but I have been reading some others too lately. I slowly feel like the clouds are lifting out of my head and my thinking is becoming clearer. It's kinda funny the way I am starting to see things so "clear" - like foggy glasses are being taken off my eyeballs! It is amazing to me what I put up with, but I know I was just as sick and didn't know any better.
I am very glad I am not walking this alone either. Thanks to everyone here!!
You are not alone. I have been separated from my AHSober for over 3 years - his choice. He does live in my head rent free. Evicted him easier said then done. I make sure that I keep busy with anything hopefully some product things. When the thoughts enter and start to take over then I immediately start my meditation - the serenity prayer, the 12 steps, grocery list. It has gotten better. I tell myself that it is none of my business.
Also, strange as it may seem, I have been going to alot of AA meetings. The AA's have been very helpful. When I said that I was lonely, they gave me phone numbers. Call they said reach out. When I said that I was not happy, they said work the 12 steps, that is what they are for. We are obsessing about THEIR disease.
