The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
and does it matter? I'm new here and feeling confused, sad and hopeless. I'm married to a hard-working, funny, caring man who also happens to be an amazing father. We have one child, she's almost one. We've been together 10 years, married for about 2 and 1/2.
For quite some time now alcohol has been a source of stress in our relationship but I think I've let him convince me that either I was over-reacting or it was normal behavior for a young male. Now that he's 36 I realize that he should've grown out of this type of behavior.
He does not drink every day and does not drink to get drunk every time he drinks. I do not feel is dependent on alcohol but I do feel he abuses it. In social situations or when he's trying to "relax and unwind" he drinks as though someone is going to take it from him. Once he's drunk I don't know if I'm going to see Jekyll or Hyde. All to frequently it's Hyde. He will tease me relentlessly, mock me and embarrass me in front of whomever might be around. When I've tried to discuss this with him he gets very defensive. He tells me that I'm too sensitive, he's only kidding, etc. As for the drinking he refuses to admit there's any issue at all and gets extremely angry at the mere mention of it.
I'm afraid that whether it's alcohol abuse or alcoholism, he won't change and I will be forced to make a terrible choice. I love him but I'm growing more resentful of him with each passing day. I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking it's ok to drink that way or to be degraded by a man.
I also don't want to lose my husband and a person who has been my best friend for so many years. I don't want my daughter to lose her daddy. Yes, she'd still see him but it wouldn't be the same.
I'm so confused, so sad and so in need of some hope, some help...something.
(Searching) It does not mattter if it is alcohol abuse or alcoholism. Alcohol is causing problems in your life. That is where Al-Anon can help. You have no control over whether the alcoholic in you life drinks or not. We use the three C's. You did not cause, can't control, and can't cure your alcoholic. If there were a cure there would be no members on this board. If there were a cure there would not be tens of thousands of Al-Anon groups world wide.
What you can do is help "you" and in turn your daughter. The best place to find that help is check out your town for Al-Anon meetings,. They are easily found in your phone book. There you will find the help you need from people just like yourself who are living or have lived with the same problems alcohol is causing in your life. It will be like finding a new family who cares and understand what you are going through. In Al-Anon we are taught to take care of ourselves first. That may seem selfish to you at first. You will find that to be the furtherist thing from the truth. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffiling, progressive disease that will only continue to get worse if left unchecked. Only the A can decide he needs to seek help. Some do, some don't. It is their choice and only they can make it. The disease makes us just as sick as the A, makes us do crazy things most sane people would never do. In Al-Anon we are given the tools to deal with the A in our life whether he is still drinking or not. I have been going to meeting for over two years and can honestly say it is one of the best decisions I ever made.
People on this board have tons of ESP (experience, strength, and hope). No one here or in a Face 2 face meeting will tell you what you need to do. You will read and hear how others have dealt with the problems alcohol caused in their lives.
Go to search at the top of the page and type in a word or phrase and read prior post. Seek out an Al-Anon f2f meeting and go to as many as you can. Keep coming back here and posting because we care and we are glad you are here. You are not alone. (((HUGS))) RLC
it dosent matter how much he drinks or how often he drinks what matters is how it affects you and your relationship . please find al anon meetings and learn about the disease of alcoholism and how it s affecting yu . nothing u can do about him but alot of help for yourself . learn to detach from his behavior and get your life back on track our prog will show u how to do that and stay in the marriage if thats what u want t do . I didn't want to leave my marriage either and I believe that working this prog allowed me to do that . we have a part in t his mess too and until we figure out what it is and stop doing it nothing will change . Nothing will change til someone changes and since your the one looking for help that will be you . there is always hope don't give up yet . Love has nothing to do with his drinking and love will not cure this disease . You need support from people who understand exactly where your at . please find a meeting. your worth it . Louise
well whether its alcohol abuse or alcoholism this place can help. Breathe a sign of relief.
Whatever happens if he goes off into the sunset sober this place will help, if he gets worse this place will help.
Al anon can help you sort it all out, you are absolutely in the right place at the right time. You can rest easily. No one here is going to judge, comment, gossip or any of the other stuff.
We can help.
Think about getting the book offered up above, its called Getting them Sober, an absolute lifeline. I think its about anything else but "them" really. If you want a consult on what's alcoholism that book will give it to you What's more its offered by one of our generous members entirely free.
You have received some very useful feedback from the experienced members of MIP. They most likely have been in your shoes more than a time of two as I have...same thoughts, words and feelings. I am in support of you following up on suggestions that lead you the Al-Anon family groups and their face to face meetings. Hoping you get there.
Thank you all for your support and insight. I believe that you're all right, it doesn't matter b/c it's impacting our lives and our marriage. It's a problem that needs to be dealt with. I'm torn b/w going to Al Anon or Christian Counseling. I could go to both but making the time with a one year old would be tough. Any advice as to which might be more helpful if I have to make a choice? I should also add that I have my own issues of anger management, anxiety and control that I've wanted to address for quite some time so I'm leaning toward the counselor.
(Searching) No one here will ever tell you what you should of should not do. Those are your choices. I had the same choices that you have. I chose Al-Anon because it is for people who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism. For me there is no doubt I made the correct choice. Al-Anon is a spiritial program, a recovery program, a focus on me program and not the alocholic in my life program, a caring, giving, loving program. It is not a religious program, but all and any religions are members world wide. People of no religion are as welcome as the Pope in an Al-Anon meeting.
The Al-Anon program is about us and for us, and gives us the tools to make our lives so much better while continuing to live with the disease of alcoholism whether the A in our life is still drinking or not. I will say I am a person of faith, strong faith, have been my whole life, yet I can honestly say that the principles I have learned and applied during my two years in Al-Anon have made me look at myself and others in a different light. I am a better person now and I give this program all the credit. I and thousands of others owe something to this program no amount of money could buy. I owe my sanity, my marriage, my happiness, my serenity, and most of all my new way of life to Al-Anon. For that I will aways be greatful and I will continue to take everything I can get from this program, and hope that one day I can give back to others what it has given me.
What ever you choice, do what you think is best for you. But, do me one favor read Jerry F's response to you one more time. Good luck. RLC
