The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My boyfriend went to his first AA meeting a week ago...has stayed sober since (the longest time since we've been together). I'm very proud of him and I've been to a few meetings with him as well as a few Al anon for myself. All of a sudden though....I feel more alone than ever. He has a lot of A tendencies (anger, frustration, impatience) and even though it's MUCH better than what was happening when he was drinking (he was extrememly verbally abusive and started to be physically abusive....which is why he wanted to get help) I'm having a hard time with everything. I feel as though I can't do anything right and that everything is my fault.
I've made the decision to do everything I can to make this work. We plan on getting married in about a year. I know that this will be something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life....and I'm OK with that. I need to figure out how to be OK with his ups and downs and not let it bring me on a rollercoaster ride too.
This weekend was the first weekend not drinking but he still watched football all day. I think he was angry that he was watching football and not able to drink his beer. EVERYTHING I did bugged him. He would snap at me then profusely apologize...very confusing for me. I have no family in the United States and not many friends.
We work together too and all day he's been critizing everything I do and making joles at my expense. I'm sitting here typing this and pretending to everyone that everything is fine but I just want to scream and cry and I don't know what to do. I need to know that this will get better and that you guys have been through this too in your partner's early sobriety. HELP.
Welcome to this board. Just remember you did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. I remember being in a similiar place and it is very distressing, keep the focus on you and keep posting, I wish you the best.
glad you are here, sounds like it is hard going. Can you get a break somehow. I know when I lived with an A for 7 years it was hard to break off. I felt very vulnerable and very much in sway of his moods. Learning to detach was a hard one but it was so worth it. I can't say it came over night for me. But now I have it what a great great tool.
Hi there , welcome and well I am still kind of new to this to.. My husband is an A and well still doesnt realize he needs help. He is a binge drinker and well he did quit for about 2 months and then bam football season came back and now he thinks he can have a few beers here and there.. That def is not the case, last night he went on a major binge and well got mean, hurtful and thank god not violent though,, not to say he hasnt in the past.. He left and came back at 7 am sleeping on the couch. I have been married for 5 years now and well I knew going into the marriage that he drank, that he drank excessivly, but i did not know when he drank that he had a problem.Did not know about the violence, the abuse and lack of responsibilty.. If i knew that i would have never married him. I seen his true self come out two weeks into our marriage and thought that I could handle it and that in time it would get better. Five years later, I am kicking my self in the butt for not running, at that time. I am not telling you not to marry this person, or try and make a life with him, but just my experience. I wish someone would have told me back then what my life would be like.. My husband reminds me of your bf, mad that he had to watch football with out drinking, my husband uses drinking for everything, holidays, games, going out.. He thinks you cant have a good time or hang out with friends with out drinking.. I really hate this time of year and now I am starting to hate holidays, bbqs, summer and now football season.. I too, feel really alone and well reading these boards helps me so much, I still havent gone into a meeting yet. but going to this week sometime.. I am here for you, hugs, and love, Lori
The road to sobriety as well as the road to serenity is a journey and it can be very bumpy and yes sometimes it just has giant potholes in it that we can get stuck in. However, if we keep going to meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps we will find our way.
I can share with you what helped me; hopefully it will help you as well.
I was told that "yes, it's tough right now but this is something you just have to walk through to get where you are going". Once I let my higher power take over and stopped trying to drive down that road alone it became smoother and much easier for me.
Soon I realized that my higher power has me right where I am for a reason and he will go with me down this road as long as I let him take the steering wheel and I keep my hands off the brakes.
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Thanks guys. I know that this road will be long...and bumpy.....but I also know that is will be worth it. I'm considering making a mojor career change right now too. I know it's not the best time for major change but I've been thinking about it for a long time. I've been in sales for the last 4-5 years and doing well but not feeling as though it's what I'm supposed to do. I've been asking my higher power for guidance a lot in the last few weeks and the response I feel is overwhelming in one direction...I want to become a nurse. I don't have a college degree but as far as I can tell there are 2 year nursing programs that don't require a degree in anything prior. Does anyone have any advice on the best approach to explore this option? I live in California (Los Angeles) and could put myself through school and support myself at the same time. My Abf is very supportive of this move if it comes to fruition and I think I owe it to myself to at least explore this as much as possible. Any help would be very appreciated. I look forward to getting to know many of you over the next few months. Anybody here live in Los Angeles?
Reef- What a fabulous goal you have for yourself to go to school and work and support yourself. You know if you want to do something you will find a way to make it work no matter what. Whatever you do, do not leave yourself on a position of being financially dependent on anyone. As much as I want to yell "run away as fast as you can", this is your own journey in life and I know from experience there wasn't anything anyone could say to stop me from marrying my husband. Good luck to you with your career and keep coming back!!
Welcome to mip. The best thing you can do for you and your A is go to meetings and read literature. Learn all you can.
Sadly the disease gets worse not better. The many truths are very hard for any one to face.
Even when they are sober on a program, they will relapse. Relapse is part of the disease. Unless he deveops a program of recovery, sort of a map for him to follow as he lives day to day, sobriety in a healthy way is hard to attain.
Hopefully he will learn this in AA.
For now i am glad to hear you are taking care of you. Sadly being married to an A is not like a regular marriage. In my experience, the non A partner needs to protect their income, their home their vehicle etc. not expect anything from the A.
In case he gets so sick he loses everything, you want to make sure you are protected and safe.
Many women end up homeless when they don't take care of themselves.
It is very difficult if not impossible to be able to live with an A, especially an active one, or one who only stops using. Just not using means zero. What you can do is read thru all the posts you can, you will see it is always the same things happening.
Getting Them Sober is a book that will open your eyes.
Welcome to MIP and thanks for the trust in this family to reach out and ask for help. That is one of the things I knew I had to do in order to survive the insanity of the disease I was living with also. The family is always willing to help. That is one of my natures...to be helpful. I learned in Al-Anon that being helpful is not the same as taking over all of the work I thought we needed to do as married partners. She was way too busy being drunk to do her part and I tried to take up the slack. It would never work and I didn't understand that until I got into Al-Anon.
I also married my alcoholic when I was planning to split up with her. The insanity of the drinking made me want to leave and it was the same insanity that caused me to marry her anyway. She verified me for a minute or two infront of the other most important woman in my life, my mother and I thought I might be wrong and went thru with the marriage. Even the wedding was crazy but...it's history. I read the picture right but my response to the picture was inappropriate. In 3 years and 8 months everything was gone and I was in the program trying to save what little of me that was worth saving and I didn't know what that was.
We have a slogan in recovery "Think!" and I didn't know what to do with what I came up with after I thought. I know that frustration of being confused and lonely. For me it was a part of and the consequence of focusing all of my energy, time and ability on someone else. When I wasn't I didn't know what to do with me. Enabling the alcoholic often results in what I was feeling and lonely? when she was gone, to a meeting or somewhere else I didn't know what to do with my life. I wanted to accomplish goals and such but didn't have the same support from myself that I put into the alcoholic and when she wasn't around there was no body else. I had effectively dedicated all of me to all of her and let everything else become unimportant.
I once heard a very well known AA speaker admonish his audience not to swap habits or addictions by making AA a substitute for the alcohol and putting the family second still. It happens alot and is apart of being self centered to the extreem. I had to learn how to love and take care of myself and have happiness doing for me regardless of whether the alcoholic was drinking or not or was around me or not.
I was also a "foreigner" in the US. Born and raised in Hawaii and in that culture I was cut off from what use to nurture me and I didn't have any friends who were cultural based and hung out together. So that was an additional weight I carried around along with the insanity of this disease.
I got back into "throwing tantrums" as a part of my therapy with the support of my counselor. It's okay for me to tantrum to release pressure and stress, known or unknown. I was told it was okay as long as I didn't hurt myself or others and that I didn't have to explain to anyone why I was doing it. Most times people knew it was about me not getting my way on something and most people didn't pay attention anyway...LOL. It helped and still does to do it in the right way.
I would suggest also that you get deeper into "your" program of recovery and the suggestions you get from meetings and a sponsor if you have one. Trying to do program by myself isn't nearly as workable as getting guidance from a more experienced member. I also use MIP for feedback, ESP and hope.
I think you are a very brave woman to come to another country (or continent?) & try to make a new life there... Friends who emmigrated sometimes felt very lonely too.. maybe a job away from bf & outside of home would help?
a friend of mine went to USA, & she talked of loneliness too.. she said some cities were worse than others, job-wise & meeting people-wise... maybe you could find new friends at the gym or the park, or a class? (or even free guided tours in museums or such, if they exist? or volunteering..?)
Hi Reef and everybody. I am really new at this too, just joined yesterday and counting down the hours to my first meeting. Reading your post and all of the responses have already helped me. My partner of many years has never been easy to deal with, never violent, but verbally awful (and getting worse). For as long as we have been together i have been afraid to tell anybody about his drinking and what a mean-spirited jerk he could be because 1) i didn't want to be a whiner. 2) i didn't think people would believe me (he doesn't hide his drinking, but saves the nasty for private) 3) i have been ashamed (his mean side has become my secret)
Anyway, i guess i just wanted to say that your post has helped my out. Thanks.
