The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just an update I am still very very much on survival. I eke out a living. I am not yet able to pay back my creditors.
I have done a lot of work on my tiny tiny room. I have another couple of weeks work to make it better. Due to the size of the space, I have to take most of my stuff to storage so summer and winter I have to switch clothes.
I feel better but have not been able to deal with a lot of medical issues just yet. I am working on that.
I am very isolated. I have had to give up to a large extent interacting with my roommates. They are all either addicted, withdrawing from an addiction (without a program) or totally enmeshed. I don't feel lonely not dealing with them. Chaos is all they know.
I was feeling a little low this morning but I got a call from the A's insurance agent (who had my name as a back up of course). I am so so so grateful I no longer have to deal with that unending chaos. The A has, as always, no insurance on his car. A car he bought with money he stole from me! Nevertheless he always makes sure he has a car!
I am so glad not to be dealing with his friends, his addiction, his money problems (which I always felt I needed to solve), his health problems (which always always always trumped mine), his needs, his criminal problems, his fines, his anger management problems, his work problems (I was not allowed to have any of those). I am so glad that despite how hard my liffe is and it is hard it is not easy, I do not have the holy grail, I do not have the answers to lots of issues, I do not have to deal with "him" anymore. I merely told the insurance agent never to call me again and to take my name of the list. I have no inkling, no desire, no care at all what the A is doing, saying, and what mess he has got himself into now. He can get himself out of it.
One of my dogs has a really bad rash and I think I am going to start her on benadyrl. I think both of them might benefit from it actually. I gave them both a huge bath yesterday and I had such hope that neither one would itch but nope the itch is still there! I have no idea what it is. I think she's just an allergic kind of dog!
I do know I am super focused on getting to goals and one of them has already been accomplished I've let go of the A- totally full ship line and sinker. He is on his own for ever.
A good meeting is the best place to be when dealing with life's frustrations. I always take that to heart, especially when I feel the walls closing in around me. It's nice to have a place like this to express certain feelings, but there's nothing like a hug from a real person that truly cares about you.
Hi Maresie, Sorry to hear about one of your dogs, My dog had a similiar thing some time ago and the vet advised putting a spoon of vegetable oil through her food, it worked, I can't remember why it did but whenever she is scratching and I know its not fleas or mites, I do this and it takes it. I hope you are doing ok, I know the financial mayhem, but remember you are not alone and its great not to have to pick up that can of dung anymore for the ex-a, I feel glad that I have some boundaries with my family of origin and find myself saying no quite a lot now, I remember that when I do that I'm saying yes to me,
I should say I am doing much better on the self pity number. I did manage to get a great hair cut (from an intern). My hair is in great condition (they did a great great conditoning treatment full of words like activator and stuff - funny huh?).
I also have a lovely lovely intern who is willing to see me at low cost till next summer. That is so wonderful!
I am working part time at the moment which is good and bad. Bad in that I'm not making enough money and of course I work way more hours than I get paid for! The good part is that I am not doing a 60 hour week merely a 30/40 hour week. So I can scavenge for stuff like student hygienists who clean teeth (takes three times as long but hey its a teeth cleaning). I am also up to my neck in organizing, organizing my storage unit alone will take a while as I have to break it down into getting boxes, getting them to storage and more (remember I have no car - the A took that!).
So I am better but not as good as I'd like to be and somedays I am pretty tired but generally I am so so much better than I was a year ago. I am no longer an open book anymore. Very very very few people know what I am up to at all. I tell very few people (only program) how fed up I am.
I am also far more assertive with my roommates. I regularly ask them to clean up after themselves (they don't). I no longer clean for hours for acknowledgement and I hardly talk to any of them because they just all act out day and night over various stuff.
I didn't have boundaries before I had world war III or enmeshment. I'm not unpleasant just not that open.
There are some days when I am out with my dogs that I have a lot of hope, others when I am pretty tired. I know the more organized I am the better it will be but getting there when life was non stop crisis for 7 years is a hard one.
Mare....I send huge hugs. It touches me deeply to read your honest words. You have incredible strength to have gotten to where you are today.....you have detached from so much, and we all know how difficult that is. Now dealing with our own lives can almost seem more exhausting...I know it felt that way for me...once the addrenaline that was always there with my A and the chaos that surrounded him was gone, life was more peaceful, but soooo hard. It is so worth it tho and I am happy for you.
Glad to hear you got a good hair cut :) For me, taking a walk, having coffee with a positive friend, reading with a cup of tea, realizing my grattitudes.....all of this makes me feel better when I feel like survival is just too hard.
Take good,gentle,loving care of you!
Fifi
ps....are you using only water or something very mild for doggies' baths? have you eliminated allergens from their diets? (wheat is a common one) making sure they don't come into contact with irritants....febreeze,scented cleansers,scented detergents on where they rest/sleep? just some anti-itch ideas!
Mary i am so proud of you. you have grown so much!! I am so happy you cont. to share.
Ok your dog. Are they on Frontline or some other flea med? Even one flea bite can irritate a dog who is allergic to flea slobber...
Also put you dog on cod liver oil, if you can flax seed oil also. Do not bathe them. It takes all their natural oils off their skin, thereby making them more itchy!!
They need more hydration. Do you add water to their kibble?
I have done rescue so long, seen skin that is so bad. Not once have I not been able to get it back to normal. Vets are ignorant to the proper way to change it. Do not use prednisone!
Again lady, I picture you so differently now!! big hugs hon, let me know if I can help with your dog. love,debilyn
Hi (((maresie))) Just wanted to say thanks for your post, your an inspiration to me, your words always convey such strength of character. Even though your dealing with so much yourself on a daily basis, you are able to give valuable and much appreciated service here.
