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Hello all I'm a new poster and like many of you I feel like I'm in hell. I got married 13 weeks ago. About a month ago I unsuccessfully confronted my ah with my recognition of his problem. I offered to be supportive. My words (of course) fell on deaf ears. So, now, I'm preparing to confront my husband in writing (this time) with an ultimatum. I have two children from my first marriage who live with us. I'm so scared and I feel very alone. I know some would say that an ultimatum isn't good but I believe it's my only avenue as I know someone is probably not going to just stop drinking because I wish they would. I just needed to say that I'm scared and I'm afraid.
Are you prepared to follow through with the ultimatum? Sometimes ultimatums are used to change the other person instead of using them to set boundaries of what I will not accept in your life. Even if you do set the ultimatum he may never change. Can you live with that?
What are you afraid of? His response? Being alone? Never seeing him again?
Hi Kissers Thanks for your response. Strangely enough, I am prepared to follow through - painful as it is. I've got an appt for filing and if things go well then I can cancel it, if things go the way they probably will, I can keep my appt. I hate the idea of having to live with my decision but in the long run, I know that it will be a better life for me and the childrren.
I'm afraid of his response and his reaction because I don't want to cause him pain. I also am (of course) afraid to lose him. I do love him but I cannot live with him like this.
I have some conflicting ESH (experience, strength & hope) on this. The best thing you can do to 'support' an A is to detach, love yourself, focus on your program, your life, MYOB (mind your own business), tend to and support your kids.
Get to some face to face alanon meetings, read up on the disease of alcoholism, a lot of the pamphlets explain what enabling is and how we do it subconsciously, even with the right motives and intentions. You haven't been married very long and there is no rush on an ultimatum. Just consider it carefully, don't do it out of emotionalism.
I married an addict twelve years ago and early in the relationship (looking back) I should have created physical boundaries by leaving the domicil and going to a freind's or relative's house. Well, i didn't do that b/c I didn't have good inner boundaries and didn't know how to protect myself. I also didn't have kids to consider.
No one can tell you what is "right" for you, that is something you will have to work on for yourself. We can however share with you what has worked & not worked for us, individually.
Be gentle with yourself, take time in these big life altering decisions.
We talk about the 3 C's here: we didn't cause it, we cannot control it, we cannot cure it. No, we cant control another's drinking and adults will do what they want, no matter what anyone else says. Just like we need to consider ourselve's and do what is best for us.
We do understand and can relate to what you are going through and you are not alone. I encourage you to get to a meeting, study pamphlets, talk to other al-anon members, come to chat room 9we have 2 daily meetings there & 24/7 live chat) and read other posts & archived posts. You can search by topic, it can be extremely enlightening.
Hope you give alanon a chance, for yourself and your kids.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My ex started becoming violent and threatened to kill himself if I left. He had totalled a car while he was drinking and later wanted me to co-sign for a car. I told him I didn't want to do that because he had just totalled a car while he was drunk. He started calling me a MF and other names. I told him I was leaving and he took a knife and stabbed the walls in the kitchen, then grabbed my keys and took off with my car. I knew I was headed down the wrong path in life if I chose to stay with him. I smoothed things over with him until he went to work the next day. I packed up my stuff, grabbed my daughter, and fled out of state back to my hometown. It was not easy and I didn't want our relationship to end, but I knew I had to do the right thing for my own sanity. I couldn't do it anymore without living on a rollercoaster.
I have a story similar to kissers. It depends upon your situation and your safety. I had to get out fast and I did and I thank God I was able to with my life intact. Please keep your safety as your number one priority. Always. Hugs, J.
Personally I can say I confronted the A countless times. I am not sure it meant anything until I "meant it". By then I had made a plan be first. Why not make a plan be first then confront if you need to.
No one can change another person regardless of whether or not you think you can. At least thats my experience with my ex A b/f. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, with who he wanted. I couldnt stop him from doing things that I knew werent in his best interest. Finally I reached the point that I couldnt take it anymore and had to end the relationship with him. I can relate to your post so much. My ex and I talked about marriage and thankfully our relationship ended because had I married him and he continued drinking, etc., I know our marriage wouldnt have lasted regardless of how much I loved him. His actions werent fair to me, or my 3 children (from my 1st marriage).
I still love him deep down, but am so thankful that I got out before his most recent crash. Now he has no license, no job and will probably be spending time in jail for yet another DUI. He's better off in jail and not on the road. God forbid he killed someone while he was behind the wheel!
Stay strong and follow your heart! Do whats right for YOU and your kids!!
Yours in recovery, Heartbroken
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Welcome to MIP. Someone has been were you are so you are not alone. We all are afraid at one point or another but we have a higher power to help us. I just say why the ultimatum? Why not just separate for awhile. Ultimatums are hard to back up.
Just want to share, that I had made many ultimatums in my 26-year marriage, and he would sometimes "get it." However, the behavior would always circle back around again. Be warned, it is a powerful disease. They don't CHOOSE to drink, they are sick and cannot help themselves. My AH walked away from our long-term marriage away and to this day, he cannot see how his addictions played a part. Crazy.
I want to remind you, it is ok to love an alcoholic. However, it is paramount that you take care of yourself (and children)... whatever that looks like! Try to attend as many f2f meetings as possible, as it will support you through this and give you clarity.
My experience.... I wish I could turn back the clock and do that over again. Twenty-some years ago, I went to my first al-anon meeting and did not continue. I would have been a MUCH better parent, had I stayed with it. My children are in their 20's now, and the disease continues... it is a family disease. Today I rely on this: "when one member of the family is thinking sanely, the whole situation is bound to improve."
We cannot do this ourselves... that was determined when this program was conceived and a fellowship was formed. Keep coming back. The answers will appear, and life will not feel so frightening.
((((hugs))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I, too, believe in just doing what you need to do rather than giving an ultimatum. Remember, A's don't think like "we" do. I absolutely know where you are at and the frustration, fear and powerlessness that comes with it. What happened to me is that my "ultimatums" just made me feel like a failure (and stupid) when I didn't/couldn't follow through, or my AH twisted it all around making me look like the one in the wrong. More often however, the A heeds to the ultimatum just long enough to settle things down, then the chaos starts all over again. I got to the point where I needed to feel like I had some control over my own life, to move on with the inevitable, and know that what happened to me was based on the decisions I made.
Good for you for making a plan. Keep moving forward. I absolutely believe that if you take honest steps to take care of you and your kids that HP will guide you through it and take care of you. I say that because I am living it. Please keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hello mad mom hmmmm married 13weeks ago well u must have noticed that he drank a lttle ??/? but like most of us figured if he was married he would stop , if u loved him enough he would stop ? this has nothing to do with not loving you this is a disease and at the moment is running his life . Please find yourself some meetings before u make a life altering decission , it is ok to love an alcoholic and it is possible to live wth them while activley drinking , al anon will show u how to do that if thats what u want to do . give us a few months and see how u feel then . Ultimatums rarley work cause most of us are unprepared to carry them out sooooooo . If you can hang in there for a few weeks get some meetings in get support things might not be so bad . get the focus off him and back on yourself . good luck Louise
Abbyal To be fair, I "knew" about the drinking but we lived in different states and A's are master of disguises too. Living in different states made my time in person with him very limited. We bought a hosue last october and he spent most of his time there fixing it up for our wedding in June. My exposure to the depth of his drinking wasn't fully realized until I lived with him these past few weeks. Perhaps I should have tried that before marrying? I dont' know. My religious beliefs prevented me from doing that. Hind sight is 20/20 though... I've been to a few f2f meetings and I'm not sure how I'm faring with them. I've been reading the daily readings in both Courage to Change and ODAT. I am trying but my focus is my children, their happiness and their safety.
Thank you to all who posted responses to my post. I've been feeling so much on edge.
Ultimatums are fine, if you are serious and committed to following through on the consequences you lay out.... Where they can really hurt us, is when we threaten our A's with ultimatums, the A's don't hold up their end of the bargain, and then we don't follow through on what we said we were gonna do. So my only caution would be - don't use ultimatums unless you are 100% prepared to follow through with what you have laid out..... You can't control his response/reaction to your ultimatum, so there is a very real chance that he won't abide by it....
Say what you mean, and mean what you say....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Glad lee I just want to thank you and also everyone on that responded.
This is all very hard isn't it? Had my eyes been open a wee bit wider..... I've decided that I am going to share the letter I wrote to my AH with my AH today. I will be back to continue on the board regardless of his response/decision/choice because my recovery will be ongoing regardless of him. I hate the thought of having a confrontation and I also hate the thought of losing my husband but I need my sanity and I've got to take care that I have that and my kids have a healthy home.....I feel so stupid, like I SHOULD have known more beforehand.....
