The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
....and it is good to read again.....and now post. It has been a tough road. Starting to really focus on me and know I must leave when all is together (many things to pull together in order to stay away when I go). This time when I say I am leaving, I will be able to go through with it and start living for me. I've watched this man, who I have been with for 24 years, become a different person....a shell of who he once was...the brain cells have deteriorated to the point of not beng able to really have a decet conversation anymore. a pint + of whiskey, at least, a day does that to you I guess. I have tried although whenver we try and discuss it, I have not tried at all.....I am selfish.....I am a bitch, wants me to help him.....can't get through to him that after years of counseling, interventions, money, friends desperate to help him.......I can't do it anymore. FINALLY, I am there. So before I hate him, I will leave, I will not watch him crash and burn anymore. Of course, I hope this may save his life. Or it will kill him...another excuse for him. Close friends say (don't have many....like 2....that's the other hard part of this disease) "kick him out, you don't leave......" well, easy for them to say. we built this house together, sadly it is becoming neglected due to the Alcoholism and no money. although there is so much he can do....he is so talented as a builder and fixer. forget that now. no motivation. There are some things I will not do and I won't fight. It is too hard. It will be easier for me to start over then for him. It's all so sad, very, very sad. it hurts the heart so badly sometimes I want to throw up. What we had......what we were going to do......it was soooooooo good. We could work together, have fun together, be together 24/7 without an ounce of negativity. Amazing how liquid changes that! If anyone has read "The Shack" there is a quote....sentance really....that the Holy Spirit tells (when they were planting the garden behind the shack) about ripping out the roots of the plant you cut down, no matter how beauiful so that the new seeds planted can grow and flourish without becoming intertwind with the old roots.....it was something along these lines....well, lemme tell you...talk about an awakening! It was an intense awakening that I believe has gotten me to where I am stronger about leaving. So I just wanted to write....and I will do so more. Thanks for listening. I hope this finds all of you well. M
what a wonderful piece. I too have to move and it was certainly ripping me up by my roots. I am one year plus out and have to say its been a long long hard haul. There is light these days but it was hard to get to. I enjoy my life now in ways I did not for years with the A. I can't say it is all roses, certainly very very very hard to acknowledge the demise of the relationship. The A who I was with contacts me from time to time. He sounds absolutely terrible (answering machine only I have nothing left to say). I am not drawn in on any level but I am nevertheless sad that he is so destroyed. I will not be going to join him in that despair.
I just came back here after awhile,too. It is good to be back,huh? I hear the strength and clarity and sense of yourself in your words. It sounds like you are ready to find your own joy...and leave the destruction behind. Life is short and I hope you find all the experience,strength and wisdom and hope to allow you to make it the way you want it to be. I chose peace and happiness and I knew I could only find that without him. Hang in there! Love, Fifi
My AHsober moved out over 3 years ago. He is sober but a dry drunk. But reading your post is like being there with my A. We worked hard for over 30 years. It was to be our dream; make lots of money, buy a home, retire, play golf. He doesn't work a program. He became very selfish. He plays golf. He lives the life of Riley. He's mean spirited. Talk about self will run riot. Counseling, workshops, books, talking contributed to personal growth but not our marriage. He hammers at divorce. I call it emotional terrorism.
All the best. There is something better for us. I just looked at my finances. I can do this. I may never get that house but I know I can take care of myself. It is sad, sad, sad. I miss the man he use to be. But I know that my HP has a plan.
