The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought I was being discreet about latest frustration when my 11 year old daughter says "I'm sick of you playing the abused, unhappily married woman. It's getting old. If you're going to get a divorce, do it already."
agh! I can't help it! I know she's not alone, when friend's of mine hear me playback the latest version of the same old stuff they tune out. I don't blame them! But yet I can't seem to stop myself. I want so bad just to tell someone what I have to deal with and why I'm feeling sad or mad or distracted or whatever.
So I think I'm ready to take the next step. I don't know what that is. It's either move out or find a way to make him go. It's not an easy choice. It's hard financially. I will have the kids, so I need a place that's clean and safe, which isn't cheap. He can't take care of the house and pay the bills (crap theyare all in my name) so it just doesn't seem right that he stays and I go but he just wont go I try and try he does nothing.
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 02:30, 2008-09-26
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
from the mouths of babes....wow Maybe if you had a therapist to talk to (instead of your friends and family) it would not burn others out so much. You do have some choices to make here- lots of them. You can choose to shut up about your problems. But also, I believe that what you say/focus on/believe/talk about is what you are. If all you think about is how you got messed with, you will stay stuck in being messed with. If you choose to leave, you can. It will not be easy but neither is staying, right? Do what is best for you. You decide. Actions do speak louder than words, often. Think about what you can DO instead of what you can just sit and TALK about. Even if that means knitting or bicycling or whatever. A busy head/mind/mouth can be well managed by a busy body! Externalize in other ways that are not just verbal and you may notice the need to be less verbal and whiny to others. Take what you like and leave the rest, hugs, J.
I found out that it is much better to get my frustrations, etc. out with my al-anon family than with friends or relatives. I learned the hard way that when I tried to talk about my issues related to living with alcoholism, I would either drive people away or have them jump on my own band wagon and add fuel to the fire.
Talking to my program family I get more of what I need. A chance to express what I am feeling, without fear of judgement, without the (inevitable from friends) "you should...." statements. And they help me to put the focus back on me where it belongs.
As to your daughters statement..... if you are indeed playing the role she stated she is tired of, only you can decide when you are tired of being that. Boy do I understand that one!
I certainly played the role of "super considerate, helpful, loving one minute, resentful, victimized, wounded the next minute" husband for many years. Once I realized I could do something to change that, by simply trying to work this program...that role started to change. My role is ever evolving now.
Thank goodness!
Thank you for posting, Jamie, and have a blessed day!
Dear Rainy, I'm in the same boat, except I have three kids and nothing is in my name and I don't have a job (I'm trying to fix that). If your house is in our name then you can start the procedure to sell it. If his nameis not on the title then you don't need him to be involved. I know it's tough in this market, but I think it's better than staying. You can then take the money and get something else or rent. I dream of the day of getting out. It's harder for me and I'm anxious about how to do it sooner rather than later. I see how it is effecting my kids!
Aw, Rainey. I'm sorry you are feeling stuck and your daughter is calling you out on it. I have to tell you I said the exact same thing to my mother when I was maybe 10 years old. I was so sick of living with the uncertainity and the fighting. To me, my mother looked like the crazy one. My dad wasn't an alcoholic but he had left us and began another relationship. So, why the heck was she staying married to this guy who was gone? And occasionally pretending that we were still some kind of family when she was so mean to him when he was around?
Black and white to me. Divorce him, move on with your life! I was a kid and I was watching my entire childhood slip by because she refused to do what was best for ME. I figured she could move on and maybe find a new man who maybe had kids and I would get a whole new extended family. I had great dreams for the future and what it could be if she would just let go of her husband (my father). Her response? It's not that simple.
ANd she continued to be married and be miserable until I was 18 years old. My father left when I was 8. He had a great, happy life with his partner. My mother is still a miserable woman who blamed my father for everything bad in her life. I was a burden, life was so hard.
So, when I saw the damage my being married to an addict was having on MY kids, I left. Is it the best decision? For me, yes. I knew, I gained confidence in the fact that I could give my kids a better life (even if it is just mental stability) on my own without a 250 pound weight dragging me down, I left. I didn't leave on the spur of the moment because my ex didn't put the cap back on the toothpaste.
I left for the wellbeing of myself and my kids. I knew it meant a hard road. And it is a hard road. But, it is a far better road for me and my kids. I left for my kids. I couldn't do it for myself. But today, I know I am worth far more than I was getting within my marriage.
I would listen closely to what your daughter is saying. She is not saying that divorce is going to be a happy walk in the park. She is saying that your life effects her life and that is a rough spot to be in because she has no control of any of it. At the very least she is communicating to you about how she is feeling. That is a good thing. She trusts you, don't let her down.
Wow... one of the coolest things about kids is their honesty - sometimes even brutal honesty..... Just a few thoughts - this doesn't necessarily mean you have to make the choice to leave now, but it does likely precipitate a need to change the way you are dealing with certain people..... One of the things we end up doing, in our time of need, is almost "using" loved ones - including family, friends, and even kids - as our "surrogate sponsors", and we end up dumping heaps of stuff on them that we really can't expect them to deal with..... Just another reminder of our need for a solid recovery program for ourselves, so we do NOT put our loved ones into those roles.....
When I stayed in my marriage to my AW - likely for far too long - I used to reflect that the "statute of limitations had expired for me to complain bitterly about my ex.... I was choosing to stay in that relationship (at the time), so I can't have it both ways"....
All good food for thought, and another growth opportunity, for you in your recovery....
Thanks for sharing Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
That's why this place and face-to-face meetings are so valuable... so we can get the crap off our chest without alienating the people who can't handle listening to it.
keep focused on your behaviors and how to best serve you and your kids.
with love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
i certainly was there. I really procrastinated for a long time. Then I made a plan be that helped a great deal. I kept on focusing on what my options were (I hated all of them). Then options opened up.
I can't say its easy but there is an "out" there.
I also can't say that I know where I got the strength from to do it.
Enmeshment was my middle name. That's not the case anymore.
As the daughter of an alcoholic, I so remember just those same statements to my parents who were miserable together. It really stinks for a kid, who is truly powerless, unlike adults.
I've heard it said that it's better to be from a broken home than to be living in one (ugh).
I hope you find your truths and also get to some meetings where you can vent, resent, what have you so you (and your children) can have some serenity at home.
yours in recovery, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
It hurts so bad to know I have disrurbed my children in this way. I wish more than anything that I could look back and say- I took the best course of action available at the time for my family. But actually I realize things needed to change so long ago, back when they were first wrong. The problem was that I couldn't put my finger on it, why was it so wrong? I could only feel it, I couldn't verbalize it, I didn't understand. But things went wrong long ago, back when he stopped going meetings, back when I was pregnant with my first child. And I thought there was nothing I could do then. I tried so hard to hold the family together thinking it was better for them. But the environment was so heavy with negativity I'm surised they could even breathe. Even these last six weeks, since I made the decision to separate and we have been sleeping in different rooms...there has been so much more laughter and less tears and anger. We have been more productive, doing the things we've wanted to, without trying to involve him. He doesn't want to come, he never did. He wants to sit inside with the curtains closed and the computer/ TV on. That's the way it is. We don't have to sit inside too.
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Guess it's better to be from a broken home then to live in one.
Realizing I can't change the past reminds me I can only decide what actions I will take today. Before it becomes yet another of many days passed all blending in together as more of the same.
Playing the victim has it's rewards, for some it's too tempting to stay in that role as it has it's pay offs. Not until we realize playing the victim is merely a continuation of the martyr role.
You have the choice to change your future by making changes to not repeat the past. I applaud your daughter for finding the words to tell you as best she could, "enough already".
Poor poor pitiful me was no longer a healthy fit once I got program and recovery under my belt. What a wake up call. Do yourself a favor, be the best you can be for today. We can only stop sending sick signals to our children when we stop pretending we don't have options and choices.
Today is a brand new day, take care to cherish it by being good to you from this moment forward. We gain courage by taking it one step at a time.
