Is it too much to ask????? - Al-Anon Family Group

Sincerely · Senior Member

Is it too much to ask?????

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

sounds like a tremendous adjustment.

I don't know I have any answers. I guess you can schedule dates. I know lots of couples who do that and it seems to help.

I have to constantly revise my expectations personally.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

ok I am somewhat confused. There is a desire to do things together yet you say you guys cannot stand each other long enough to do anything.

??

Sobriety on a program has to be number one for an addict. Also however is changing behavior to be the person they want to be. Does he want to be married? Be a husband?

Have you asked him?

It's sad uno? My husband does not want me when he is using,but longed for me when he used to be sober on program.

I invite you to ask him, in the future and you look back, will what you are doing matter or will ya wish you would have spent more time wiith me?

My first husband and I had dates every week. We took turns doing things the other wanted to do. I played pool with him. Always had a pool table. Was never into it, but i remember him smiling and laughing.

Maybe ask him on a date. If he is like most A's maybe something simple like a quiet small dark restaurant, something not intimidating for him. I got us a double recliner so we had to sit close. We always held hands.

Touching is a good ice breaker. Sometimes works better than talking. I do know doing for the other person can help too.

For me it never matter that I was the one who started things. He ended up doing things for me too. I would eat his spegetti every day if he could come home.

If you want him, you can have him. I know you know how. He is your husband, he chose YOU to be his wife! (o:

hugs, keep us updated. debilyn

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

I had the same issues with my AHsober. He just moved out. He is an avoidant (don't know if that applies to your situation). Some of those things we will never get from our A's. As my AHsober says I don't have what you want. The therapist said to me, why are you waiting around for him to make you happy.

In support,
Nancy

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

sounds like you may be going to hardware store for bread?

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

Can you accept him for who he is right here, right now? If so, great, if not- you may want to examine yourself and your needs. If he does not fullfill your needs either you can change those needs or find someone who will or just be on your own.

It took me years to decide he and I were not compatible and it just got more and more acrimonious the longer we tried to work it out and stay together. We just got so toxic because all we wanted to do is change the other instead of accept the other exactly as they were. Really toxic!!

Take care, get to know yourself really well and decide what is best for you. Hugs, J.

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Sincerely,

Your post has soothed my soul as I often think I am wanting too much and need to grow up but reading your post, I realize no, neither of us are unreasonable. We just are not getting our needs met. Can we get those needs met from others like friends, job, volunteer?, is there enough in the marriage that it is worth continuing...... those are questions I review from time to time. And time will tell........ someday I may decide I'd be better on my own. ODAT

My AH has been gone 4 of the last 5 wks, home wkends, doing catch up for home & business then. I am very tired of doing it all alone (have 4 kids, 2 at home) yet it is easier to  do things on my own & in my own way - I just get very very tired and lonely. We've done marriage therapy, family therapy etc - therapists have told me he will not be able to meet my emotional needs. It would take him years, 3-4 days/week to ID his own emotions let alone be able to relate to me in that way.

I have wanted a date night since 25 yrs ago during our first year of marriage - even once a month would be good but has to be accomplishing something like a business social,or like a meeting reviewing calendars for family plans. Now I just mention that we should remember to have fun - throw it out there to see what he does with the idea. I go and have fun even if it is going to a movie alone. Once a therapist asked him if he understood that I would like him to go to some kids activities not to give him guilt but for his companionship. He went to a couple soccer games about 6 yrs ago but didn't want me talking to him or others as he was there to focus on the game. Go figure!

I could have written this too:
I have my little routine when he is gone and things are peaceful, but lonely. And when he is home it is such chaos, and I am still lonely.

I am actually lonlier knowing he is home and we are still not connecting. Talks about things we will do that never happens, promises unkept........... typical of an A. And the chaos that he can stir up or the other extreme of needing complete quiet and we need to not plan his day. His work week is extremely structured so he is doing nothing, doing his own stuff or too spontaneous on wkends. If we can't meet his expectations now, he is dissappointed. Seems like he would learn empathy from that but too complex of a concept. I do have empathy that he needs quiet down time with his hectic schedule but it is difficult and now at times I have compassion because he has become a functional A who drinks at home to relax and de-stress.

But why do I stay ??? - shared history, kids, hope........ something I need to review often. I agree with Jean also.....    But no, it is not too much to ask to have our needs met. Ask ourselves how we can make that happen, perhaps the A will join us when we are busy & happy, perhaps not, perhaps we will stay, maybe not..................
I hear ya, I get it and it is a bummer.
For now, ODAT so do something fun for you today!!
I don't feel like I am the only one who thinks or feels like you wrote - thanks for posting. hugs, ddub

-- Edited by ddub at 12:50, 2008-09-26

SLS · Senior Member

NOW, I have to ... sit here and wait for him to get those things done because he is sober and trying to get 5 years worth of honey do's done in 1 day.

You don't have to sit there and wait. While he tries to figure out how to live life sober, you can get busy figuring out how to live your own life, without linking your serenity or happiness to the A and what he is or isn't doing. Now is that time to get to know yourself--what do YOU like? What do YOU dislike? Do YOU like to go to movies? Do YOU prefer books? Do YOU like to go on walks? Who are YOU?? It can be a great adventure!!

When all along, I just want us to enjoy each other.

I hear you. I felt (and still sometimes feel) the same way. But the bottom line is that we could not enjoy each other when he was drunk. And we will never be able to if he doesn't stay sober. So, I want him to do what he needs to do to stay sober. In the early days, it meant that it was all about him--I didn't get much of his time or attention. I resented it because, afterall, I was the one he had hurt the most, wasn't I?? But the A cannot restore the "wreakage of the past" in one day, one month or one year. It takes years and it seems to proceed on everyone else's timetable than mine. As my AH got more grounded in his sobriety, we started having a weekly date night--but that was about 1 to 2 years into sobriety. He simply couldn't make the commitment before then. I had to accept it because I couldn't change it and I wasn't ready to give up on our marriage. At 3 plus years of recovery, AA for him and Al-Anon for me, we communicate on a deeper level than I thought possible and he is more of a partner than I thought possible. BUT, it is not the stuff of fairy tales. He will never be Prince Charming for me--he will always be an A and all the baggage that that brings with it. So, when I need more and he can't give it to me, instead of being resentful I call an Al-Anon friend, I go to a meeting, I go to a movie by myself, I find other ways to fulfill a need that he cannot fill for me--it's not that he won't do it, he simply can't do it. Somedays, I am better at this than others, but I try to remind myself that the goal is progress and not perfection.

Yours in recovery,

SLS

buick23 · Senior Member

Sincerely,

thank you for posting. I can relate. My Asober comes home every evening during the week, but is not really "present" as he still does not much other than watch TV. He's still doing weekend jail, so we can't plan anything for the weekend. It is wierd, I look forward to seing him before he comes home, and as soon as he walks into the door I realize I shouldn't have looked forward to him coming home. But some days are better than others.

At times I do remind myself to be thankful he's sober even though he's in his own little world for the most part. We had not been anywhere together in months until this past Monday we went to an open AA speaker meeting. The first few months after he quit drinking we went everywhere together, even to the grocerystore. On the way to the meeting I told him I was glad we are finally doing something together.

Maybe your husband will eventually slow down with doing all of those jobs, he's got to get tired at some point. Have you thought about maybe doing some of the projects together? I would love for my bf to finish things he started, maybe one day it will happen.

Hang in there (((Sincerely))).

Buick

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sincerely,

Have you tried helping him with the honey-do list? Many hands make for less work. You can be together and be productive which will leave him some quality time to spend with you.

Just a thought,
Maria

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Do u ask ? or expect him to know that u would like to go to the mall with him for a coffee . My husb did the same as your hubby is doing and it's perfectly normal , they keep busy or drink , first my husb bought a ton of top grade plateceen , always wanted to be a sculptor he said . that didn't work then he started to build ships in a bottle , from scratch . that lasted a yr then he started to build airplanes , the ones that u actually fly motors etc .then he built wooden toys cars trucks etc . all in all it lasted about 5 yrs and he stayed sober . it's not personal he is not avoiding you he is doing what he has to do to stay sober . period. find meetings serenity it is time ,u need to get a life of your own make new friends and learn how to support your husb sobriety . I was told that an alcoholic hasn't got a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old idea . I was the old idea / I had to change too . adjusting to sobreity takes time and effort on both your parts . I think u said a mouth full when u said I wasn't happy when he drank now he is sober and I am still not happy . YOU are the one with the problem ,please find meetings for yourself .

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

OMG I married one of his people. Can we spell Work-a-holic? Great way for them to side step emotional connection, however; I've realized I was guilty of having expectations without putting words to them.

Once finding my voice and learning how to ask politely without nagging, "Honey, I would like to go tonight for dinner as a date what time works for you", helped  HIM by not having to read my mind, helped me to say what I mean and not say it meanly.

Odds are he simply doesn't know how to break away from the grueling act of making up for lost time. No sense trying to talk him back down from that venue. It is what it is, trust me...been with my workaholic now for 36 yrs.

Somewhere in their minds they don't feel worthy until they accomplish "enough", (see definition 1 billion and one definitions, per person). That's not my job either.

Lonely you say? Welcome to MY world...I too expected (see dangerous set up for disappointment) of hoping, wanting, desiring another person/ human being to fill my needs.

I've found trying to reconnect with the world, one girlfriend at a time helps. Getting involoved in Alanon projects and activities is fulfilling. Starting back to church. Beginning new hobbies all begin to fill that void.

Bless your heart for realizing it isn't what they are or aren't doing that completes us as people. It's what we are or aren't doing that fulfills our needs or leaves us empty.

Love your post, nice to meet one of MY people.

Peggy7

Sincerely · Senior Member

Thanks to each and every one of you! You all sort of grounded me. I need this place more than I think. Acceptance is what I will work on. And ME, I've got to start taking care of me again. I was getting there before Gustav and Ike. Those hurricanes not only damaged property, but they damaged my progress. It's not beyond repair, just in need of a tune up.
Sincerely,
Tonya

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