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My AH usually attends two meetings per week. That's pretty much his program for the time being. He has had several occassions where he drank. Most of the time he sneaks drinks in the garage or along side the house. He thinks he is sneaking, but it is quite obvious when he drinks.
The other night, he left to go to a meeting. He decided to go to a different meeting in another nearby town. He came home a little later than usual; however, I wasn't concerned. I figured he was talking with others after the meeting, which is good.
But no, he comes home under the influence. Yep, drove drunk.
One of my concerns is if he get another DUI. He would lose his job this time for certain, and he is so close to retirement. I also pray he is never involved in an accident and we get sued!
Are any of you concerned about the possible life-altering legal ramifications of living with an A? At times, I feel like a sitting duck.
I love him and want to support him in a healthy way. I realize that there is usually relapses. But the risk of him really blowing it and him dragging me down with him is something I find unsettling.
Gail, I live with the very same problem. My AW drinks and drives every day going to at least one sometimes two AA meeting each day. She has a job now for the first time in 5 or 6 yrs. sitting for and older lady 36 to 40 hrs. a week. She makes her own money and drives her own car to the job. She drinks beer while she is work, and usually leaves from work and goes to an AA meeting.
My AW is a very fuctionial alcoholic. She can drink 12 to 16 beers each day and the average person would not realize it unless they smelled her. I can always tell simply by her voice.
I say all that to say this. I do not know how to keep her from drinking and driving. I do know all the things that can result. None or them are good. I can't tie her up in the house every morning before I leave. I could call the police and have her picked up. They would give her a DUI. Send her to jail. When she got out would that stop her from drinking or drinking and driving. Probably not. If she killed herself or someone else would it be my fault. I don't know. I guess to some extent yes. Like you I would like to have the answer to the problem we both have.
Two members of her AA group told me at different times recently that everyone knows she is drinking before attending meetings. She has been chairing meetings, and did not have any problem getting her 3 month soberity chip a few weeks ago they told me. Both are no no's. I did not ask them for that information. She is not honest with herself or her group. I can beat myself up about all of that but is does not do any good because I have no control over her drinking.
Gail, I don't have an answer or suggestion for you. I turned it over to my HP and he can handle it in his own way. Maybe my HP is trying to tell me something, I promise while I am writting this post at 11:40 p.m. on Sat. with ESPN on in the backgroung, I just heard the announcers saying that some asst. coach in the NFL would not be able to be at the game tomorrow because his son was killed by a drunk driver earlier today. When will it ever end? Damn. RLC
P.S. Your question. How do I not worry about the A driving drunk? You turn it over to your HP, and then because you are human you will still worry as hard as you try not to. The 3 C's.
My AH drinks evenings at home so my boundary is I drive the kids period. When he does drink on the rare occasion we are out, I drive us home and I don't drink.
I don't have a lot to share with you other than this is posted about often because it is such a big concern. On the red line above there is a Search prompt - search for 'drinking and driving' and you will find a lot of resources and sharing.
Hang in there and keep coming back. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
RLC wrote: P.S. Your question. How do I not worry about the A driving drunk? You turn it over to your HP, and then because you are human you will still worry as hard as you try not to. The 3 C's.
-- Edited by RLC at 01:09, 2008-09-21
RLC:
Thank you for directing back to the path of sanity. After reading your response last night, I was able to calm my thoughts and get a decent night's sleep.
I'm so sorry to learn that you know all too well how I feel. Gail
ddub wrote: I don't have a lot to share with you other than this is posted about often because it is such a big concern. On the red line above there is a Search prompt - search for 'drinking and driving' and you will find a lot of resources and sharing.
Hang in there and keep coming back. hugs, ddub
I have been reading posts for a little over a year. I have missed the post regarding drunk driving. Thank you for directing me to the search feature of this site. I have overlooked that feature for all this time! I'll go read a few posts on the subject. Thanks again, Gail
Well I can tell you the A I was with totalled 3 cars and one of them was mine. So certainly there is a chance you could lose and lose hugely. I paid the insurance on the car and there were no legal ramifications for me. Nevertheless I lost and lost and lost and then lost some more.
I could not find a way out of the relaitonship with the A for years. Everytime I turned around he made another mess to be cleaned up. Getting out was huge for me. I needed tremendous support to do it. By the time I did the A had destroyed everything!
Driving drunk is a huge huge red flag. I don't think you are necessarily a sitting duck but it is inevitable for many A's that they will create a huge disaster that can have tremenoud ramificaitons for years. I will be dealing with it for years and years and years. I will not however be dealing with him anymore. Whatever he does is up to him and him alone.
When I was living with my AH, my greatest fear was that he would hurt someone else drinking and driving - something he did with regularity, until he totalled the car almost two years ago. Being arrested never stopped him. He had his first before I even met him in his home state. We moved in 2001 and he got two in the following years in a neighboring state. This last one was on December 30, 2006 in the state he then lived in. The most amazing thing to me was the police in courts involved in that 2006 incident never knew about the previous three! It was treated as a first offense and he was out of jail on January 2nd. On the bright side, without a car or license, he no longer drives drunk:)
I learned about the legal stuff a few weeks ago. It was rather a shock for me. I'm a person who chose to give up the fuzz buster, drive slower, drive safer, just to have good insurance rates. Now I've learned that once we got married, I am now responsible for her bad actions if she is out driving drunk.
I don't think it's right. Even if I was to get a separate insurance policy for her, any serious property damage, I can still be sued for.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
For me the motivation will come from "the courage to change the things I can" part of the serenity prayer. I learned that the program allowed me to reach out to whatever assets I could find to help change the situation. No I could not stop my alcoholic from drinking. Yes I could get assistance from the police or from the family doctor or from her sponsor and more. Yes they were also powerless over her drinking and yes also the more that others knew the harder it became for her to use denial. I could disable her car if it became that serious and I have reported her and others who were drinking and then planning to drive. I had to get over the fear of whatever she would say and how she would react when she found out. The courage to stand up to her anger and accusations was less a courage than actually doing something to prevent the inevitable. The program has taught me to do the "next right thing". I won't let that lesson go by the wayside without expecting guilt and shame. I don't like guilt and shame and self blaming when I can escape it.
I can understand your concern about drinking and driving. I always cringe at the thought of anyone drinking and driving no matter how little he or she has had. It just scares me. I would never let anyone who has had too much to get behind the wheel.
Yes, relapses are an unfortunate part of recovery. However, it's his responsibility. I always told Tim, that if he got pulled over for DUI or DWI, it was his problem. His car was his responsibility. His insurance was his responsibility. I don't drive, and I didn't put my name on his car.
His legal problems were his. We kept separate accounts for that reason. I made it clear to him, I would be more than willing to take his pills down to the jail (he would die without them), but I would not post bail. The legal costs were his to deal with. He was comfortable with that decision.
I have been to open AA meetings where people have been drinking. The point is they made it there. I've seen other AA members help them get home. My A went to AA meetings and then drank. It's not unusual. You can be loving and supportive of his recovery, but you don't have to get dragged down with him if it doesn't work. Keep working your program. You'll be just fine. I wish you both well on your recoveries. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It is so difficult for me to understand why he will take the riskl of driving under the influence. I know it's the disease. But I still just can't wrap my brain around it. I know he would be devastated if he injured, or gawd forbid, killed someone due driving drunk.. I don't know how he or I could live with that fact.
In my state, regardless whose name is on the vehicle registration, I would be liable as he if he caused an accident. Nor would it matter if we had separate vehicle insurance. As his spouse, I'm liable.
At this point, I am not certain what to do. He just got back from a 3-day trip to the mountains (he left because he knew I was irate over him driving home drunk from a meeting). I know anger won't help. I know it was fear and the knowing I have no control that set me off.
