The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello all, I havent been here for a bit, I have been so busy working on my plan....only the more I work on it, the guiltier I feel. Abf has been basically kissing my behind since the ugly head of aggression and alcohol reared it itself bruising me and breaking a small bone in my foot. He has been sober for almost 1 week since then....he spent the better part of the week after that incident under the influence. He knows I am growing stronger, he sees my new attitude and I know he is frightened. All he keeps saying is that he hopes that he and I will be ok, that we are working together. I simply smile and say nothing....makes me feel deceitful as I am working on my plan to move on and free myself of his disease and all the awful side effects that go along with it. Although I am awaiting a disability hearing, I did find myself a full time job and I start next Monday....so now I will have income that is just my own, I have been socking away some money that he knows nothing about....again, I just feel so deceitful, even though I know I have to do whatever I have to do to take back ME and MY life....which, honestly, I dont see including him in anymore. This hurts, cuz I do love him, but this rollercoaster is just too much for me to deal with anymore...it never stops, it never changes. Even though he is being so nice, in the back of my mind, I keep hearing the word manipulation over and over again. Its like a cycle we go thru here....he does things that he knows he shouldnt, tho I used to react, I no longer do, he apologizes and then sets out to woo me with gifts, compliments, etc., until he feels comfortable again, and then the whole cycle repeats itself. Funny how in the past, I used to think that he really meant and wanted to do all of those things. Now I see them for what they really are.....his fears, his lies and his manipulations to keep the only thing that has been a constant for him ....ME. I feel like I am leading him to believe something which is in all honesty, probably not going to happen...a future as "us". Has anyone else felt this way or done as I am doing? seeking peace, jeannie
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
I just wanted to give you a (((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))). The breaking away part is so hard, whether you end up together in the long run or not. For many of us separating was really needed. I personaly had to get away from my AH to force myself to stand on my own. It also had the effect of allowing him to really see what he was losing. We cannot control them, but we can learn to take care of ourselves and not allow them to control us.
What you are doing may be a deception, but it is one he chooses to participate in. He knows that something is different this time. Sometimes it is simply a matter of him not being safe to share your plans and feelings with. That is reality even if it stinks. We must do what we must do to protect ourselves.
He gave up his right to know the truth when he became a physical, emotional, spiritual threat to you. If you told him the absolute truth, he may turn ugly again and you could be in danger. My AH ceased to have my sympathy when I became afraid of him. At that point he is a threat to me and my children.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I know how difficult that is. It was the same pattern over and over and over with my exAH, and I bought it every time, only to have things get progressively worse, never better.
((((((hugs))))))
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I know what you mean. My AH thinks maybe he can move into a house for a month, stop drinking, and move back in. When he said this, I didn't say anything because hey, at least he's talking about changing. In reality I have no interest. He has to be gone and clean for a good long time before I consider turning my life upside down with his BS. I feel decietful, getting him out of the house on false pretenses. But I didn't put them there.
Everything about this feels wrong to me. It's just gonna be a little while before it feels right.
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
A few years ago I was in a simaliar situation. I had been putting money away as part of my escape plan, I also worried about this and felt deceitful.My A was so violent/ abusive and controlling. I was scared what they'd do if they found out as money was so tight. I worked extra hours and was only able to save small amounts. Sometimes I'd temper the guilt I felt about having an escape fund, by telling myself that if everything worked out and they got better it would be used for a nice treat, a holiday or something ha ha.
Then one night after a weekend of them drinking and using, he threatend to kill me and my daughter, we were trapped in the house,he had a hammer, he WAS going to kill me, I'll leave out the details, somehow I'll never no how, apart from it was by the grace of God, we got away. In less than a hour we had to leave the home I'd lived in for over 20 years, my daughter and I left with nothing.
That money I'd saved paid rent for a roof over our heads, without it we'd of been on the streets, saw us through the most awful time following that night. I never thought I'd need it, I never thought it was going to come to that.
Please beleive me you are not being deceitful, you are taking care of yourself, you are listening to your HP, you are doing the right thing.
I'm glad you are working on a plan Be. I have a new plan be for where I am but I still come here daily.
I know I need the support, feed back and more.
When I worked on my first plan be I was here all the time discussing it so I didn't get to the point of feeling guilty. I've turned the exA back over to HP. I can do no more.
