The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not sure which way to turn right now. Recent events with my partner who is in rehab have left me questioning alot about myself. I know I couldnt have got through the past few weeks without you guys.
The trouble is I know I'm codependant, I know I have massive problems since childhood due to my A dad. I know I need and want to get help. At the moment I'm very scared and unsure of myself. Before my present relationship I was a very spiritual person, I was single for several years and spent alot of time developing and growing in a spiritual way, I had a great relationship with my God. I've always prayed and put my trust in God and still do. The trouble is I just dont feel any conection any more. In true codependant style when I got with my bf all my time and energy was focused on him. I gave up my hobbies, my Yoga, meditation and spiritual practice. So now when the chips are down I feel too shamefaced to expect my hp to be there and pick up the pieces. Also I'm reluctant to get into a program even though I know deep down I need to, because it feels like I'm doing it just to be like/closer to my partner, you know sort of taking on his interests, liking what he likes. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. My thinking is really skewed at the moment and I need some direction. It's as though I dont fit in or deserve help.
Taking on his interests ? are u kidding me . Al-Anon is for the families and friends of alcoholics which should tell u that someone elses addiction has caused u a problem or two . Living his life has robbed u of your own u mention giving up your hobbies for partner , u asked where to start , ?? try going back to what u like to do for yourself and attend a couple of al anon meetings a week , your going to need support and for me the best way to support a loved ones efforts is to get our own program . taking on his interests or hers would for me be attending AA meetings with them . Al-Anon is not about them it's about you . good luck Louise
(((Mariner))) You do not feel any "conection" anymore maybe because you have not been "conected". You stated that you had put all the focus on your bf. The most important thing we learn in Al-Anon is to put the focus on ourselves. Your God, and I think we might have the same God, is always there for you just waiting for you to ask for his help. Sometimes we leave our HP and this program on the shelf and don't use him when we need them most. Abblal said basically the same thing just in different word.
Now might be a time to take both of them off the shelf and make them a major part of your life. This life has many twists and turns and we can't always handle all our problems by ourselves. Consider making both of them an intregral part today, putting the focus back on you and off your bf.
The title of one of our readers in the program is titled "Courage To Change". That could be a exactly what you need to do. You"do"deserve help and it is yours for the asking. (((HUGS))) RLC
p.s. Your last sentence said "I don't know which way to turn". I have never gone wrong when I turn to my HP and this program.
I started coming to alanon in order to be a good supportive wife - they told him in rehab I should come, so I did. Going through the motions, making it all about him, as it had been for so many years. And then things started to go downhill, and, in despair, I took off my "good supportive wife" hat, took off my "I'm doing this because I am so good but don't really need it as there's nothing wrong with me" hat, and started telling the truth at meetings.
He can think what he likes - here in our "secret society" you can speak your truth, whatever it may be.
Gosh I can relate to that. The A became the whole thing. I let his issues, his needs, his wants, his finances, his friends, his family, his dreams, his temper tantrums, his health issues, all take priority.
At one point I remember he started going on about how his mother wanted to encourage me to do something! Yeah right!
Sounds to me like you are pretty hard on yourself. Lighten up a bit. Some recovery takes a while. I've been here for years. For me recovery is now kicking in but I was lost and confused and totally enmeshed with the A for a long long time.
You are here because you need to be here. This isn't about the A. This is about you and your recovery. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if the A chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Like the A, you have 2 choices: recovery or not. If you choose recovery then you can have the life you want. You can find yourself again. You can take care of you. If you choose not to seek recovery, then you are going to stay right where you are. Bottom line: recovery is about healing. No recovery: continue to feel as miserable as you are right now. Do you really want to feel this way forever?
Leave the A out of this. You need to focus on you, nobody else. Leave his recovery up to him. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
