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I have been reading in the search mode and I just had to share one of the best explanations I have ever read about talking to our kids. The things I learn in al anon can be used in all our affairs and this has been expanded for me re: honesty with our kids. Love this and send thanks to John for this posted reply many years ago.
"Your words and his behavior are going to be more confusing to the kids than comforting. "He loves you" mixed with his unwillingness and/or inability to be present and available in their lives is a mixed message that no child should have to be subjected to. Words that don't have matching behaviors and attitudes send the message that "this is what love looks and feels like"... when it has nothing at all to do with love, not love of self or love of any one else.
The real truth is this... the father is a drug addict and until they get some help they are very selfish, self centered and don't grasp that while they are shooting themselves in the foot, their bullets are ricocetting and hitting those closest to them, that love them and care about them... and you know it hurts. In this regard you are validating their love for their father, not diminishing it. But it is NOT your job to validate his love for them. Let him be fully and solely responsible for that. In his own actions, attitudes and words.
Next, validate YOUR love for them and your comfort in being loved by them. This is a message of clarity, a group of words that are matched by your behavior and attitude towards them. This will bring them the comfort they need, from the person who is present and available in their lives.
Sounds harsh? It may. However, the truth with clarity is what they need, not a mixed, confusing message about love that they will grow up with, and take into their own adulthoods.
"Does he love us?" It's okay to say, "I need to let him speak for himself, all I know is that I love you with all my heart and one day maybe we'll all understand why he isn't here." Will he ever come home? They ask. "I'm not sure, he might, but then too we might not want a husband or father that does this to us cause it hurts so bad, so the decision isn't all his, its ours too should the time come to consider that, right?." (the "right?" at the end of this is very important) This empowers the whole family to know they are participating in the decision process should it prevail... its not just the alcoholics or addicts decision anymore.
My heart truly goes out to the families of alcoholics and addicts. This diease is more hurtful, confusing than any other diease, because it sets the stage of such a variety of mixed messages about love, parenthood, and family. If a parent is dying of the diease of cancer, they can match their words with behaviors and attitudes that a child never has to be confused about. This parent can still take a walk with their kids, put a puzzle together with their kids, etc. until the cancer detects otherwise, and even then they can lay in a bed and read the kids a story, or teach the children a bit about family history, etc. The diease of alcoholism and/or addiction leaves the family with words that don't make any sense in light of the behavior and attitudes. It entices others to speak on behalf of the alcoholic or addict, when its not their job or responsibility. Their job and responsibility is simply to make sure their own words are matched by their own behaviors and attitudes, which validates the childs desire to love and be loved in a healthy way by those who are actively participating in their lives."
-- Edited by ddub at 18:23, 2008-09-13
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
i don't know that I quantify alcoholism as being worse than other diseases because I grew up with mentally ill parents. I'm not even sure I use a scale anymore of what's worse and what isn't I think it really depends on the person and the family and everyone perceives things differently. Some people seem to thrive in incredible circumstances I don't. I become codependent. I do however agree with the premise of the detachment. I have spent years over involved and over responsible for others. I have had to learn to let go.
This past year i felt enormously guilty about what the A did to our dogs. I no longer do. That was not my choice. He is responsible for that I am not. My dogs are no longer neglected. I cannot change what he did to them. I did change myself. That is indeed a gift.
Oh boy your ringing bells for me with this post , I had to learn to step out of the middle of the relationship betweeen my kids and husb , that was hard but by jumping in the middle all the time I only made things worse . Unless there is violence between them I was told to leave them alone , volitile as thier relationship might be I had to let them work it out for them selves , I passed on to my sons what I was learning in al anon about not starting a fight , respect thier dad but they didn't have to stand there and be hollered at either , excuse themselves and leave . don't take the outbursts personally it was booze talkin not thier dad . maybe get theh kids some alateen literature and read it with them it is amazing stuff it will help them to understand whats going on in the house and with dad . tell them the truth they don' need to know the nitty gritty stuff just that when dad drinks too much he is not the same person . they just need to be validated they already know what s wrong but not talking about it yet . I stayed in al anon because of my sons , I knew that my attitude and anger had caused alot of problems and the women in my group told me that if i practiced this prog in our home I could repair the damage I had done to my kids and they were right . I was a screamer always upset about soemthing , that is the first thing I stopped doing , as soon as I quit that things callmed down here . amazing stuff we learn here .
"Does he love us?" It's okay to say, "I need to let him speak for himself, all I know is that I love you with all my heart and one day maybe we'll all understand why he isn't here."
I really don't agree with telling a child this. It seems to be more of a tactic to use to alienate the other parent. I tell my daughter that her father loves her, but he is very sick so he is not able to be here because of his illness. My A father is very sick, but I know he loved me the best way he could.
Powerful stuff, ddub. Ya know, I automatically want to relate it all to my AH, but what I really know is that it speaks to me. My behaviors with my children often do not match my heart. Though I am better, I still have a lot of anger and resentments (along with other issues I've carried around) that I need get over so that I can be the parent my children deserve and that I want to be. Acting out is still the preferred method of dealing with emotions in our home, but we have progessed and are talking more. I just started working Step 1 with my sponsor and she has promised me that as I work the Steps it will continue to get better. I sure hope so.
In my particular situation, I am certain my kids know their dad loves them now, as he is a better father and more present now then ever. He is kind and gentle to them and he tell them he loves them all the time. However, I know there is still a lot of confusion going on in their heads. They are disgusted with his affair and have told him they want nothing to do with "her". More imporantly though, is that they are terrified their dad will relapse. They refuse to talk to thier dad about anything negative and just recently I started wondering if that is because they are afraid that they will cause their dad to drink again.
Thanks for the post. It's got me thinking....
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I have long ago stopped making excuses and trying to explain away my a's actions and feeling to my kids. They are becoming wonderful young adults (13 & 15) I couldn't be more proud of them. Without alanon I'm sure I would've gone crazy. This is a great post.
A couple years ago I decided it was time to stop covering up for my AH to the kids. I learned through al-anon that that was exactly what the addict counted on; for all of the family to remain quiet.
I feel that if their dad wants them to know that he loves them he needs to be the one to tell them. Me telling them for him, means nothing to them.
