The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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I just had an epiphany! I grew up as a child with an alcoholic father. During those years, it was drilled into my siblings and me that what went on in the house was a secret. The funny thing was that as I grew up and started sharing some of the "secrets" with close friends and neighbors, they all said they knew what was going on!
Now, fast forward to today. Last evening I went to my AA meeting (I've been sober for 30 years). One of my close friends came up to me and asked how my husband was (who has relapsed). I told her "fine." She then told me she'd heard he was drinking. I was shocked, denied I had any knowledge, and asked her where she'd heard it from. She said it came from another close friend. I've been keeping the "secret" from my AA community and friends under the pretense that I shouldn't break my AH's anonymity. I was pissed to find others were talking about it amongst themselves. I just realized, however, that I've fallen back into the old pattern of keeping "secrets." I wasn't pissed that others were talking about my husband. I was pissed that our "secret" had been found out!
I still don't know where I stand in sharing about my husband's drinking, other than in Alanon, with others. I'm from the very, old school that respected anonymity. It was up to the alcoholic to share about their relapse - not others. I think my response the next time others ask me how he's doing is to say, "Why don't you give him a call and ask?"
Sometimes they are "good" ones, sometimes that are "bad" ones, but really I have come to see them all as beneficial because those are the moments where my brain seems to truly take a step forward towards my recovery.
I too was one of those "secret keepers" about my family. It is so wonderful now to have al-anon and my recovery friends from whom I don't have to keep secrets.
I do understand the keeping secrets vs protecting anonymity thing too though. I guess the thing I have to try to remember to do is to ask myself what my motive for keeping a "secret" is. When it comes to sharing information with my recovery family I have to see if I am keeping information to myself to truly protect someone else's anonymity or is it because I am trying to keep myself from feeling shame, guilt, etc. for someone else's actions.
I think your answer of "Why don't you give him a call and ask?" is a great answer to the question of "How is your husband doing?"
If my sponsor or other trusted al-anon friend was to ask me "How are you doing with your significant other's relapse?" That would be a question about me, and I would try to answer that as honestly as I could.
I often get confused about where protecting my AH anonymity and my recovery overlap. I had decided that in order for me to progress I should tell anyone who asks; my husband and I are getting separated. How much I tell them depends on how much they ask. Some people need to know more because he has lost his driver's liscence, and I need occasional help getting the girls home from school. Rather than make up some excuse, I would rather just tell the truth. Recently I have felt guilty about this (I really have only told a few people) because it feels unfair to him. I also feel guilty about discussing our problems to a third party. I no longer wish to even remotely give people the impression that we have a good relationship. It just feels like a lie. I am in an awkward position when people ask how he is doing because he really is not doing well.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
This has been a sticky issue with me too. A few years ago things were pretty bad, my AH's using and drinking were out of control. He was out of control. It became necessary for me to confide in a few people about what was going on. I was worried for my safety and I thought, 'My husband is going to go over the deep end and hurt me and nobody will even suspect there was problems in our home.'
Soon after he got into recovery and things mellowed. They are not great by any means, but he is not the crazed person he was at that time.
I have found that I tend to avoid those people that know about my AH's problem. It nevers fails that they will ask me how he is doing. I don't like to lie when I feel someone is sincere about thier inquiry. I will usually just say that things are better, but recovery is a long, hard struggle. I have learned that I need to recover too and that is where I focus my attention. He (AH) has to worry about himself.
