The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking all day about how I believe inside that once things go bad that they will never be good again. Why do I feel this way? For the simple reason that I believe that if I screw up that God or other people or both want to punish me forever. This is the attitude I grew up with from my mom. She was always disapproving of me because of who I was, I think. She never let anything down. Still doesn't. Anyway, whenever things are rough I get this overwhelming sense of doom. An overwhelming sense that I am never agaim going to experience anything good. I know this is unreasonable and not very adult like. I want to fix the situation and even when I know I can't, I obsess about it and worry about it constanty. I KNOW that none of this is going to solve anything. I KNOW the program tools that will get me through. What I don't understand is even after years of alanon I still have trouble with this. The only thing I can come up with is that it has to do with caring too much about the opinions of people that I love and who I want to love me in return.
I think people pleasing is pretty hard to break. There is a great book on this People pleasing by harriet Braiker.
I think habits are hard to break personally and some of them are addictive.
For me what's wonderful about the proram is that while I am fixated on not doing well enough on one issue I am actually getting a lot better at certain issues. I don't think it works the way I want it to but it does work. I have to turn certain things over and I find that very difficult.
Family of origin work is very hard to do. I think I will be grieving my family for ever. I am somedays accepting of that and other days want a magical family to take their place ( I get in trouble with that one).
i can only share my own ESH is that I really work on people places and things that trigger my people pleasing. I try to make a plan a, b,c,d to work around them. That way I do not find myself caught once more. I do have to be immensely proactive though bec ause without preparation I am certainly ready to trip all the time.
Here is some of the stuff I learned along the way coming from where you are at right now to where I have arrived. Self acceptance...self love unconditionally, for being exactly the person you are is God love. I have relearned that God loves me unconditionally the good...the bad...the ugly and always has. I believe that God loves all of us that way and why not love like God. Another thing I learned along the way comes from the acronym F.E.A.R. False Evidence Appearing Real. I fear on evidence that is not true, drummed up and into my head over a lifetime of insanity and I believed it. Others opinions and beliefs are just that, Others and they are also imperfect, given to bad judgement and untruths including the ones they hold about me. I learned to say from practice of this program, when another person said something to me about me that wasn't true, "That's not true or simply you're wrong." I also learned to say that very same thing to myself when my self damnation/hate personality use to rise up and start trying to "rubber mallet" me in the head. I am a human being...a good human being and a childe of God. God don't make no junk!! I learned to make amends for myself. Change me to be a better me because I want to be better not because others want me to be better. In the end we all benefit unless of course the other person/people are in a "bad/can't win" attitude and no one can please them cause they are not pleasing themselves. In that case I win YAY! Self love is not the same as self centeredness or egotism or love of self or narcissim or whatever. Self love for me is loving me as I love you and others. The program also taught me that unless I knew how to love myself unconditionally, I would never know how to love others and I found that out to be true. Enablers love to the extreem. I moved away from caring about another person, the alcoholic, to needing her to reflect my values and beliefs even when I wasn't doing it. That wasn't love it was power and control and self reflection thru the character and behaviors of another person. Mission Impossible.
The greatest of all commandments says to love others as I love myself. For me there can be no difference or reservation on how and why I do that.
Great post...keep working at it and you'll reach it.
Remember too that alanon can't do it all, sometimes. You might need the help of therapy and/or medication, too. Any path toward getting healthier is worth following.
There are promises that as we work our program and learn to open up about our fears and begin to realize and acknowlege old traits we grow. Having a sponsor and addressing such fears are difficult but so worthy of the effort. I too, struggle with many of the things you mentioned yet each year in this program it becomes easier.
Here are some more promises (via the ADOA site), don't give up on you...you are so worth it.
We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves.
Our self-esteem will increase as we give ourselves approval on a daily basis.
Fear of authority figures and the need to "people-please" will leave us.
Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us.
As we face our abandonment issues, we will be attracted by strengths and become more tolerant of weaknesses.
We will enjoy feeling stable, peaceful, and financially secure.
We will learn how to play and have fun in our lives.
We will chose to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves.
Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set.
Fears of failures and success will leave us, as we intuitively make healthier choices.
With help from our ACA support group, we will slowly release our dysfunctional behaviors.
Gradually, with our Higher Power's help, we learn to expect the best and get it.
I don't mean to simplify your situation but a tool that I often use is "don't look for your own image in a shattered mirror" when we look for approval from someone who is sick (in a respectful way).
We love you and HP loves you, now you are the one who can come on board and know that you are worth it.
hugs, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
