The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Everyday I miss my ex-a so I keep coming here to remind me how lucky I am that I am not with him any longer. I read all of your post and I see how many of you that are still strugeling with resentment. I am grateful today that i was strong enough to leave. My head says run run, but my heart keeps on telling me how much I miss him. He is a good guy, he never mistreated me never abused me. He always made me feel that I special to him. Unfortunately the whisky/ pot were more important than I was. I get so very sad because I think he could have been the one for me. I was not able to cope with the addiction. It was hurting and changing me to a person that I didn't want to become.
I watch Intervention last night and they said that if you know someone that is addicted you should try and do an intervention. This is the problem.... I haven't been with him for over a year. Last I heard he is dating someone. I am not sure if he is still with her or has moved on to someone else. I want to help him, but i am afraid that he has someone in his life and with reject my help.
But then I think what if he is alone and is really hurting. He really doesn't have any family and none of his friends are willing to help. They don't care enough about him.
Eyes on the prize sister. When I get into that "superhero" mode and I dust off my cape and jet off to save the poor and suffering I have to stop and check my motives. Am I lonely? Am I bored? Am I craving some drama (which is a good indication of me beginning one of my "slips")? Why do I feel like playing God and why do I think that today things will be different and I will be able to help when I couldn't inthe past. Yes, I have changed but that doesn't mean the A has.
Why do you want to go digging into his life at this point? Especially if he is dating someone? I know in my case, I did it because I was jelous. And it got me nothing but a world of hurt.
Thanks for answering. That is exactly what I need to read. I just don't want to feel quility if he dies and that I didn't do anything to help him. Your right Let Go and let GOD. I just need to know that by me not doing anything is the right thing to do.
After years and years of trying to change my husband by various means, I left him. I know the feeling of wanting to do something for him.
BUT . . . from my experience, the best thing I did was to start taking care of myself and letting him handle his life.
My husband didn't begin to make better choices until he was ready. He got a DUI, nearly lost his job, his health, his dignity. He had to crawl out of the hole he put himself into after years of drinking and denial. He came so close to losing it all.
notmywill, you can't do it for him. Think how hard it is to change something about yourself. To change someone else is impossible. You keep working on yourself and someday you will truly understand that there is nothing you can do for him but take care of youself. I used to think that was so selfish. But it's the way the world works.
Thanks for responding, I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing by not doing anything, I just read on another forum that it's called survivor's guilt.
That's how I feel. He's in a terrible spot and could die. He drinks right after work straight whisky and smokes pot until he passes out most nights.
When ever we went anywhere he would always go to the bathroom, I was never sure if it was to hit the pot or he has problems because of his drinking.
I talked to him a year ago and he told me that he has 2 uclers that he had to be rushed to the hospital. He said it was because of his eating habits. He know he is an alcoholic, but is in denial about how it's ruining his life.
He has high liver inzemes. I don't know how to spell that word. Who knows what else is going on with him. It's progressive so he could be in a worst spot than he was when I was with him.
I won't contact him, it kills me that I can't help him. I did tell him more than once if he ever needed help to call me.
Again, I do know the feeling of wanting to do something for the alcoholic. After 33 years of trying to do something and seeing the adverse effects it was having on me, I stopped. I hope it doesn't take you or others that long to "get it."
Taking the focus off him and placing onto me was one of the most difficult things I have done in my life. I had to take baby steps all the way.
When I left in July '07, I left him at his worst, because I decided that it didn't make sense for both of us to go down the tube. He drank throughout the day. Yep, even at work. He got the shakes if he didn't. At night, for several years, he would wake up gasping for breath. He exhibited symptoms of sleep apena. It was horrible to observe and quite scary. Many times I wanted to call 911, for I thought he was going to die. But he would shake his head no, no, no! My son, who is a nurse, told me what to do if he ever got to the point of passing out. He never did.
My husband would drink whiskey straight, too. He hid it in water bottles or Pepsi containers. The flavored water that he used to drink was close to the same color as whiskey. So it was easy for him to pass it off as flavored water. But I knew better.
After a few weeks of my leaving him, he had a breakdown at work and told his supervisor that he needed help. He went to detox and then to a 30-day rehab. I moved back in after 8 months. He has drunk a few times since then. But then he gets back on the wagon.
My heart goes out to you. I understand how difficult it is to let go. But truly, I do believe that we are each responsible for our actions. Whatever happens to him is not your fault. It took took me too many years to get that notion.
I don't know why some people make it so hard on themselves (and their loved ones.) But they do.
It is not selfish to focus on you. It is the sensible thing to do. You can't give the world your best if you do not take care of yourself. If you continue to foccus on him, you will likely become a burden to society too and a worry to your loved ones. That is what I finally realized right before I began to take care of me. I began to see the worried looks on my friends and adult children's faces. Whenever guilty thoughts would arise, and they did a lot, I would challenge them by turning them in to questions and then answering them.
Guilt is something we are conditioned to harbor. It is something we all need to reconsider and teach our children different. It truly could help transform the world.
Thanks again,... Just want to make sure that I can't do anything for him.
It confussed me with the show Intervention told this guy that asked if he should try and help his ex...they responded and told him yes that could possibly save her life.
