The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had an idea.... I noticed something about most of the responding posts to me. They told me that part of my recovery is to stop focusing on my A-ex, and to start keeping the focus on me and my recovery. Well, I thought about that, and that's what this post is all about. That was one thing I was sick and tired of about my ex (first of all, we werent even really officially "dating" so i'll just call him that for lack of a more fitting term) was the fact that every week or 2 (sometimes even less lately), he'd fall back off the wagon and call me to tell me and say "ok, i'm just gonna finish off the 24 pack and tomorrow is gonna be my official day 1" - after a while I was just like "yeah yeah, whatever" I didnt believe him anymore.
Well, here's what I decided... since its all about ME now, today is MY official day one! Day one totally and completely free of him. Day one that I promise myself I will concentrate on other things and not obsess over him. I succeeded in moving on without him once before, and I will again. He's made his choices, so now i'm making mine. Now its all ME. I am declaring 9/10/08 MY official day one off my drug of choice, my ex. This may sound silly, but i'm making it part of my recovery. Tuesday is the next al-anon meeting, and I will be going to that.
You know, I was so absorbed in him that I was starting to let him interfere with my social life?? Even though he didnt even know he was interfering! For instance, I go over to my best friend of over 18 years' house for dinner a few times a week to visit with her and have dinner and just talk and see my baby godson. Well, up until I started contact with him again, I used to stay there until 10-11pm watching movies, laughing and having fun times with her and her boyfriend and kids. Well, since he came back into the picture, i'd feel this NEED almost to get home by 9pm just so I could call him or rush online to see him. How ridiculous! I see that now! He's the one who had no friends, not me! Why was I acting like I had no life and needed to run home and talk to him? Well, tonight I have plans to see my best friend (if she's feeling better, as she has a cold), and i'm going to stay there as long as we want to hang out and just have fun with them like I used to! I feel like I lost part of myself for a while there because of my being so absorbed in my A ex. Thats not healthy! It cant be! I know what everyone means about the whole one day at a time thing. Some days its easier than others. I might not be able to IM him online anymore, but I do still have his phone number so I can call or text, but I also know him and how angry and hurtful he gets, so as another good friend of mine said, "guess he really wants you outta his life, so you gotta leave him alone girl" She's right. So that's why i'm done focusing on someone who is incapable of loving... Time to stop focusing on all his meaningless "day one's"... And time to start focusing on the one person I can truly make a difference in... ME! Today is MY day one!!!
That's not silly thats a great idea, after all you've gotta start somewhere. Sounds like you've been tying yourself up in knots over this guy. Thankfully your best friend really is a friend, as she's still there for you, so enjoy your time with her.
The support you'll find here will help you through those tricky moments. As they say 'keep coming back' I have and it really helps.
Do you have the book Getting Them Sober. I think its very helpful when you are dealing with the baffling behavior of an alcoholic. Even if it is past behavior and the wanting to hold onto contacting them. Canadian guy is offering to send them to people. I'm not sure if he has run out but it is worth looking at.
Yes, yesterday I ordered "getting them sober volume 4: separations and healings" used online.... I chose that one over the original because reading the description it kind of sounded like something I would benefit a little more from...
Happy Birthday!!!!! Today really IS the first day of the rest of your life! I love that post!
Tom
p.s. with regard to the GTS books - I offer up the volume one, because I think it is the best "base" for almost everyone..... You're very right, in that some of the other volumes are more specifically applicable to our current situations, but the foundation of volume one is kind of like Step One - if you don't get Step One, the others will NOT come easily....
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I was just curious. I post on several recovery related boards, and I noticed at another one today, after 12 noon you were posting your original post from over here on three different boards there.
I'm a little confused on this newest post here to focus on self, yet elsewhere you're back to obsessing on what he's done/doing elsewhere.
Are you truly looking for help, or just wanting to hear what you want to hear?
I say this out of concern because I understand exactly where you are at.
Unfortunately I didn't have the internet at my disposal back when I was married to the alkie/addict.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
No, I did find another site to post on as well as this one... I'm not just "looking to hear what I want to hear", I was simply catching the people on the other site up on what has happened thus far in that relationship... I re-typed pretty much what I put on here for you guys to read, but then I also added what happened last night because it was more up-to-date information, thats all... In other words, one more thing happened between me and that guy since I posted on this board, so therefore I wanted to add it to that one. Thats all...
I'd recommend volume one and Canadian guy is offering it free. I have left the A and I benefited from it. She is a great writer and really grasps alcoholism in ways that are very helpful. As Canadian guy has been so generous to offer these I think is worth going for. The other volumes follow after that.
