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I am 30 years old and have been "seeing" a guy (sort of) who is addicted to many things, including alcohol, many drugs (pills, pot, etc). He's tried a few times that I know of to stop, but to be honest it just seems like halfattempts. He's been in rehab twice in the 6 months i dated him, both times he left within a couple of weeks making excuses. He is 39 years old and lives with another man who BABIES him and takes care of him, buys him everything under the sun, supports his habits, etc. This guy is also addicted to women I believe, as he is CONSTANTLY online in just sitting in chatrooms and he also belongs to sex sites (he doesnt know I know this, I just happened to catch him in it). The thing is, he is afraid to leave his house, he just does all these things online (that I know of anyway). So basically here's the thing. Back in November 2007 we stopped seeing each other. He started seeing a girl from his past again who also uses. He stopped seeing her about a month ago, and him and I have started talking again. I saw him a couple of times, but its funny... Now he is telling me things like he wants to get clean and that he cant get emotionally involved with anyone right now, or that he doesnt even know how he feels because his brain feels like mush, blah blah blah... Meanwhile, he changed his profile online to read "looking for last girlfriend". I confronted him with this and said listen, why would you write something like that but totally contradict yourself and tell me you're not ready for that? He said he would like me to be his friend for the moment because he feels i'm one of the only few people he can talk to and trust who understands him. I spent the night with him the other night, and when he went to sleep he turned over and didnt even want to touch me. I never said anything, but today he brought it up and said it had nothing to do with me, its just that he doesnt want to get emotional with anyone right now. My big question is this:
For someone who is an addict to so many things and has been for so many years, is it really possible for them to not even know how they feel? Or does it sound like a bunch of BS like he's trying to keep me around just to use me? I mean, its difficult for me because I myself do not have any chemical addictions, however I do think I might be codependent because I love to feel needed. But i'm curious from the minds of people who have dealt with this before, does it sound like this guy is really just not interested in me in any way besides a friend or for sex? or is it possible that what he said is true? He says things like he wants us to be friends now and that as he gets more and more well, then feelings can develop. I dont know, maybe its just that I dont have the mind of a user, but it seems to me if he had feelings for me he'd know it and admit to them... I'm confused and I just dont know how to handle this... Please help.
Welcome, I hope this site help you as much as it has me over the last two years, I know it is nice to be needed but to constantly have to fix things become a problem, take care of you,
Definitely possible for him not to know what he is feeling, also possible he is feeding you a line of BS. Addicts lie as easily as breathing, and don't always have enough self awareness to know they are lying.
However, since you are here, and not him, I'm going to ask some alanon questions. So, what about you? Any joy and serenity in your life? From this vantage point, I'd have to say he's probably right, and this is no time for him to be in a relationship, nor for anyone who takes care of herself to be in a relationship with him. What's going on with you that is drawing you to this man? Is it a healthy impulse, do you think, or an unhealthy one? If it's unhealthy, and you have a history of getting involved with addicts and alcoholics, then you might want to stick around - we could help you with that.
Well, As for my history in relationships, I have been in one other unhealthy relationship in which the guy I was with for 6 LONG years slowly but surely cut me down and stomped on my self esteem and self worth. He never laid a hand on me, granted, but the verbal/emotional abuse was just as bad. I dont know why but I felt as though I couldnt get out. When I met him I was very thin and thought highly of myself. By the middle/end, I had gained all sorts of weight, was depressed, distanced from family/friends (because of him being jealous and controlling)... What a mess. I have never been involved with an addict before, this is my first time (and hopefully my last). Im not really sure what keeps me with him. Ive tried to think about that sometimes, and I think really what I want is to be with someone who loves me. I guess sometimes I feel if I can be there for him enough or help him enough, he'll love me. This guy actually DID put his hands on me, twice. Once blaming it on me. I know it sounds crazy that I would still even SPEAK to this person, but I somehow feel its something that I MYSELF can fix, not him... Its weird, I know in my HEAD that that's untrue and silly, but for some reason I find myself drawn to him. I also think all the time that if I found someone else, I wouldnt even be THINKING of him, so that right there tells me that its probably not HIM himself that i'm interested in. I think its ME with the problem, I just hate being alone. And that's bad, I know.
One of the early things I learned in Al-Anon was not to expect normal or rational from and alcoholic or addict. It just won't happen and the more expectations of mine that weren't met the crazier I would get. That was true. Alcoholism drove me crazy. What you are getting is what you should expect...insanity. If you don't like that stick around her and also take the suggestion of finding out where the Al-Anon Family Groups meet in face to face meetings. Those are gold mines at least for me they saved my life. There is lots to know and trying to go at a relationship with an addict without awareness is worse than trying to do it with awareness.
The first step of the Al-Anon program reads; We admitted we were power- less of alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. Does that fit for you? If it does you might want to hang around and learn more.
I am not even sure if that first step fits me EXACTLY, because I myself am not powerless of alcohol, i'm feeling powerless over someone ELSE'S alcohol use. Is that the same thing? Does that apply? If so, I have already done the research and found 2 al-anon meetings by me where I could go.
You bet - that's what the first step looks like for us. If you are starting to think that the problem might be within you, you are ready for our program - we can help. Serenity, joy, and self acceptance are possible. Life can be better than it is right now.
Great research and self care Cherrygirl!! I never did the research. My HP did all the quiet directing and I ended up on the phone with Help in Emotional trouble who put me on hold and then I got the suicide prevention center and they were all out to lunch and then I found the Al-Anon hot line and an angel answered the phone (had to have been because I never met the gal that spoke with me for a long courageous time and suggested I attend my first meeting). I've been in program ever since and because of that I have a joyous life that also includes the other values Lin mentioned and more. So let us know how it comes out for you. The "alcohol" in the first step can also end in "ism" or "ic". I don't have any power over any of it though I did say your exact words before I got into program. "I don't have a problem with it." We have a saying in recovery that in time more will be revealed. Just keep an open mind, stay willing and keep coming back.
There is no logic in addictions. The disease usually is talking trying to draw you into feeling sorry for him, believe him, etc. Yes, to no feelings. My AHsober is very out of touch with his feelings. Last year I went thru surgery. When I told him he said I would like to feel something but I don't feel anything for you (after 30 years of marriage). It is about us but not really about us. That's where Alanon comes in to help us. Keep the focus on us so we can get better.
'I guess sometimes I feel if I can be there for him enough or help him enough, he'll love me'
Hi Cherrygirl that sentance sent shivers down my spine, your share could almost be my share except my bf is further down the road of recovery and still unable to be emotionally available. I am codependant and am just finding out what that means. I want to tell you how much I would have done things differently if I knew then what I know now.
I can tell you that MIP has saved me this last week I dread to think where I'd be without the folks here. Read the posts, look up Coda and Acoa. Take care of yourself first, dont become so exhausted that you cant think straight,but most of all keep coming back.
attempts. He's been in rehab twice in the 6 months i dated him, both times he left within a couple of weeks making excuses. He is 39 years old and lives with another man who BABIES him and takes care of him, buys him everything under the sun, supports his habits, etc. This guy is also addicted to women I believe, as he is CONSTANTLY online in just sitting in chatrooms and he also belongs to sex sites (he doesnt know I know this, I just happened to catch him in it). The thing is, he is afraid to leave his house, he just does all these things online (that I know of anyway). So basically here's the thing. Back in November 2007 we stopped seeing each other. He started seeing a girl from his past again who also uses. He stopped seeing her about a month ago, and him and I have started talking again. I saw him a couple of times, but its funny... Now he is telling me things like he wants to get clean and that he cant get emotionally involved with anyone right now, or that he doesnt even know how he feels because his brain feels like mush, blah blah blah... Meanwhile, he changed his profile online to read "looking for last girlfriend". I confronted him with this and said listen, why would you write something like that but totally contradict yourself and tell me you're not ready for that? He said he would like me to be his friend for the moment because he feels i'm one of the only few people he can talk to and trust who understands him. I spent the night with him the other night, and when he went to sleep he turned over and didnt even want to touch me. I never said anything, but today he brought it up and said it had nothing to do with me, its just that he doesnt want to get emotional with anyone right now. My big question is this:
I just dont know how to handle this... Please help. 
