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My son's going to be 3 in December. He's not aware enough of the dynamics of our situation to understand his mom's got a drinking problem. She doesn't drink a lot in front of him and is not falling down drunk.
But she's clipping or slurring her words every night when he and I get home from daycare and work and he's a bright little guy so he probably notices a difference in her. She's not nasty to him or me when she's drunk. More likely the opposite. But her hands shake, as I said her speech suffers and she repeats herself and doesn't remember things from one period to the next.
Does anyone have any point of reference for dealing with a toddler living with an alcoholic parent? I know I have to step in between him and this thing at some point, but I don't want to start too soon. If things don't change his mom and I won't be married in 2 years so by the time he's heading toward school age, it will be addressed. But I don't want damage inflicted before that time.
My concern is that he's seeing/noticing things he can't process and I want to help him if so. On the other hand, I don't want to expose him to my perceptions of the situation out of unnecessary panic and make things worse.
I think that it is important to do what we can to NOT normalize the A's behavior. I made it very clear to my son asap that his Dad was very sick and that really helped him not internalize his Dad's behavior. The damage you are talking about is already happening as your little one grows up to think that this is how people act and behave. What children experience becomes a part of who they are. If he grows up knowing that his mother is sick then at least he doesn't have to think that her behavior is a reflection on him.
Also I try to keep my program as strong as possible and have always shared much of the concepts with my sons as I learn them. I want the skills that I learn in Al-Anon to be a part of how my sons behave in their adult life so that they know where to go back to for help their whole lives.
Hope this makes sense.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
There is no such thing (for me) as too soon when it comes to starting the healing in Alcoholism. Do some research and you will arrive at the truth about this disease. It is the most profound and most communicable of diseases and it's been around a long long long time.
LA has hundreds if not thousands of Al-Anon Family Group meetings. This is where you can find experiences, strength and hope for yourself and your son and wife. Take advantage of them. If you don't life will get worse beyond your wildest imagination. I empathize with you and your wife...God do I ever!!
Your son is already affected. There is no way that he cannot be. The disease of alcoholism operates on the levels of mind, body, spirit and emotions. It can never be cured. It can only be arrested by total abstinence. It is a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. The alcoholic affects everyone they come into contact with. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and the alcoholic has three choices; sobriety, insanity or death.
Your wife's outward manifistations of drinking shows that on the physical level and the mental emotional level she is under the influence and will not stop for now. Spritually alcoholism is a depressant. Low spirit and motivation are a sign that the disease is progressing.
Go find out what you can do for yourself and your son. We have not power over alcohol or the alcoholic and are still able to repair what it has done to us.
Yep, I concur with Jen & Jerry.... I went through pretty much the same thing, as my ex-AW was drinking heavily when my two were toddlers.... I think it's important to tell him as only as much as he needs (and that a 3-year old can process), and most of the time that will come in the form of questions or concerns from him.... There is an awesome book out there, entitled:
"What's Drunk, Mommy?", and it may help you explain things to him, at his level.... If at all possible, it would be good if your A is on board with this as well (unlikely), as sometimes active A's will try hard to refute stuff, even putting their kids in the midst of the turmoil....
I believe that your son needs to know, at minimum, that his "mommy is sick", and that might be all he needs to know at this age. The only other (and more important) thing, is for you to constantly reassure him that he is both loved AND safe. That's all you can really guarantee him....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Mommys sick is a good place to start. My children were 3, 5, and 7 when I left their father, my AH. They knew long, long, long before that something was wrong. I made sure they knew Id keep them safe, that they were loved, and no matter what happened, wed be okay. I wasnt ready to leave until I just couldnt do it any longer. But I didnt do any of us any favors by staying as long as I did. Hang in there
One other thing that I thought of is a suggestion for you to look for the book Adult Children of Alcoholics. My AH and I have had some serious revelations about the way we were raised in reading this book. My thought for you is that you may be able to have a clearer idea of what a child of an alcoholic home often goes through and can help your son to cope as he gets older.
It's not CAL, but it has been helpful for us.
Above all, enjoy your little one and make sure he knows he is loved by you and his Mom even when you know she cannot show it. Sick people cannot always be there for others and little ones can really benefit from understanding that.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think there are books in the Getting Them Sober series that are helpful on that one. Does your child have other people in their life who are healthy and a good influence. Of course we feel guilty that we can't provide a perfect environment for the child. None of us are perfect.
