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The last couple of days I have been trying real hard to focus on me more. I am reading the toby rice book that I received from Canidianguy and my ODAT book and going to meetings. I have been trying not to worry about how my bf has been hanging with his friend alot lately. If I have spare time, I have been trying to keep it filled with my son, etc. I have been thinking alot lately about how I can do something new, like a dance class, or join a bowling league. I also wish so badly that I can meet some girlfriends, as I only have my sister. But I just don't know how to do that. It seems like the meeting new friends thing is so much easier for guys.
Things with my bfsober have been going ok lately. Seems like we will have some rough patches but then some light will shine through.
My bf is about 120 days sober. A few nights ago he made a comment to me, that I don't know if he was just saying it to make me worry or because he really believed it. He said that he knows if he uses just once, he won't get back into it or if he drank a couple of times, weekend etc. that it wouldn't be a problem. I was shocked when he said this. It seemed like with his drinking he was doing so great, but this comment makes me think that he is just setting himself to drink this hunting season and really has alot more to work on. He told me not to worry and I said how could I not after a comment like that.
A couple days later I thought that maybe my bf slipped and drank the other night when he was with his friend, but I am not sure. He has a very high tolerence and if he just had a few beers, I wouldn't be able to really tell. I really don't know if this was just my mind working overtime now becuase of that comment or not. I Didn't ask him because in Toby's book it bascailly says there is no point because he will deny it anyways. But in the past he has told me when he has slipped, so I didn't say anything. I am trying real hard to tell myself that if he is, eventually it will come out, so don't sit and worry. That it is his problem and he can have the guilt for himself. But this is hard, since I told him if the drinking starts again, I will be done and what do you do if you really don't know? My fear is that if he will drink this hunting season and that I just won't know and I'll be going on like his is doing well. Like if he stay's overnight at his friends house (which I asked him why he would need to do this if he wasn't drinking and he said he probably wouldn't, maybe just once or twice) I would never know. But like I said, I guess it would come out eventually. I just hate thinking that I will be in the dark again and having things going on behind my back. I did tell him that he better be real careful because when he hangs with his friend, his focus shifts. Told him if he thought he could drink just a little, he was wrong and he can't. He said not to worry that he wasn't planning on drinking. But then I haven't said anymore and I won't.
But my point is, I am trying hard not to worry about it. Trying hard to set myself up for doing things for me and to broaden my horizons. It's hard when you live together, but I am trying. Don't really know what to do, but I am thinking that I should just focus on me, while still living, with him. Thinking that If I act like everything is fine (laugh even if I have to fake it) that maybe he will look at himself more and be honest with himself. And maybe that in itself will help things along.
Mslouise, you do recall that you can not make him drink or keep him from drinking. You can only control you and help you. If he does drink behind your back or while he is hunting and you don't know about it what will that do to you? You don't know about it so how does that affect you? You will be spinning your wheels about something that you don't know for sure about, right? When your worry about what he is doing you take time away from yourself and in my opinion it just deosn't help anybody. No, it is not easy to learn how to do that. Human nature almost dictates that we worry about things we don't know the answer to. We have to learn how to control the way we worry. I mean that we have to try and reign ourselves in when the worry starts to take over our lives, because that is not healthy. I do a lot of reading myself, on here and the toby rice book as well. This board is a great place to go and release, and not be judged. I don't know about you but I am my own worse critic on how well or not I am handling my own worrying. I am not saying it is easy to change your ways, because everybody on here will tell you it is not. It takes work and concentration, mistakes, and restarts. All of this is ok, just keep making progress. If you don't know if he drinking then you just plain don't know. If you feel that he is doing something else and don't confront him well then you are assuming he is drinking, but you still don't know. If you ask him then he will feel like he is being accused and more than likely lie. So what is the point? Any way you look at it the answer is "NO". Unless something happens and he admits what he has done, but can you count on that? Probably not. The reality is alcoholics lie to cover up their guilt, but when they do that the guilt is turned inward. But we all know it doesn't stay there. What I am trying to say is, if he drinks and doesn't tell you then you don't know. A little 7 year old once told me, "If you never ask, the answer is always NO". Yes, she was 7 years old when she imparted that piece of knowledge and I have used that so many times in my life since then. That was about 15 years ago. I don't know if you can use that or not. It helps me, not every time, but most of the time. Keep working on yourself, and be gentle with yourself. We are not perfect, just human. Stay strong and focus on you and your child.
mslouise I am going thru something quite similar myself. My AHsober has been sober almost 60 days now, supposedly goes to meetings every night. I say supposedly cause I don't know for sure. I don't check up on him, I don't even ask him if he goes to them (I slipped a bit about 2 weeks ago, but got back on track real quick thanks to everyone here at MIP). If he volunteers the info about the meeting topic, etc. fine, I'll listen, if not, I don't ask. His recovery is HIS business. He works with a bunch of guys that drink non-stop. They were all his drinking buddies. He told me on Sat. that one of those friends asked him to pick up beer for him while AHsober was getting lunch. AHsober did, then when he brought it back, the "friend" said "you sure you don't want to take a couple for the road?" AHsober supposedly said no. Am I sure of that? No. Did he appear like he drank? No. All I said (sarcastically, of course) was "that's a pretty good friend that knows you will die if you have beer, to offer you a few." He said "yeah, I know" and he understood what I meant and actually agreed. No further discussion needed. I hope with all my heart that my AH stays sober cause I know (and he knows) that if he drinks again, I will be done with our marriage. But I can't live on "what if's" and worry that he will drink. I have to face the fact that in alcoholism/addiction, there is ALWAYS that possibility of relapse, (heck, my AH relapsed after 15 totally sober and in recovery years) and as long as I know that, I live my marriage one day at a time and enjoy all the good that it has to offer in that day. Today is all we have, please live it for your happiness, cause worrying isn't gonna change anything.
He said that he knows if he uses just once, he won't get back into it or if he drank a couple of times, weekend etc. that it wouldn't be a problem.
A's will quite often throw out these 'hooks' to see if they can continue to have us focus completely on them.... He may be struggling with his program, and still not "getting it", or he may, in fact, be "testing" the waters to see how much he can keep you stuck in his disease with him...
The thing I love about the GTS book is the simplicity of it's message.... in a nutshell, it tells us - if you REALLY love your A, then get yourself healthy.....
Time to focus on you.... he will either drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
(I hope with all my heart that my AH stays sober cause I know (and he knows) that if he drinks again, I will be done with our marriage)
This is too what I have made extremely clear to mine. And I just needed to have someone remind me of of day at a time and to enjoy this day I have and hope for the best! And your post was right on target with what I needed! Thank you so much.
Canadianguy - thanks again for the book...and thanks for you view on this. I will not let him "hook" me again!
Thank you all..I just needed to vent some. I am trying very hard to focus today, but just having a hard time. Your posts mean a lot and give me a good kick in the butt when needed! And so tonight I am excited, because I am trying to do more for me and my son. He loves to swim so I signed him up for swimming lessons at a local dive shop and they have lots of activities like a snorkle club for kids and lots of things. I can't wait to take him! It will be something I can do with my son by myself for fun! Thanks!
(((mslouise))) That sounds like a great plan to take your son to swim classes! Gives you and him special time. My kids are grown, but I do things like that, like take my grandkids to the amusement park, beach and stuff. Sure does bring happiness and creates nice memories. Just remember, it will all work out the way it's suppose to work out.
One thing that helped me with the worrying was when I realised that I did not have to have the whole truth from him, to be ok. There are certain truths that become evident pretty easily when they are slipping and you already have the clues.
What I mean is that you know something is not quite right with him and with you. He is making stupid statements about being able to drink. Duh, ok, he is still struggling with Step 1.
Now looking back at myself when I was struggling with the same situation, I felt the urge to follow up on him, obsess about his whereabouts, etc. So again,DUH, guess I'm struggling with Step 1, too.
Why do I need to know all the gory details unless I think I can somehow control the situation? I don't because I can't. What I can do is take steps to be as healthy and happy as I can, to protect myself from any obvious possible threats to my serenity, and learn to live happy and enjoy myself one day at a time. And I don't need any gory details to do all that.
Enjoy that little one. They get big so fast.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The thing to keep in mind, about "I said I would leave if he started drinking again so I need to be sure if he is or not" is that it wasn't the DRINKING that brought you to that stance. It was what the drinking brought - abuse, unreliability, infidelity - whatever it was that you just could not stand to live with anymore. So, if he is slipping, soon enough those behaviours will come back, and then you can make your stand.
For me, I found that I didn't really care what he did, as long as he treated me the way I wanted to be treated. Did I get affection and respect, did I feel part of a caring partnership? If I did, then if on his weekends away, he was going through an 8 ball with the help of a teenage hooker, it was none of my business (well, not really - I wasn't THAT detached - but that was the attitude I strove for)
