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It's funny how one day is good, the next isn't, then it changes again. Again, he's showing me how selfish he is, and arguments about little stupid things come up, but they really have a bigger meaning. This last argument was about catlitter. He used to always buy the catfood and litter. Now he refuses to buy litter and expects me to.
I explained to him that I'm not responsible to buy everything (household supplies, food) so he can buy the litter. He said then we should have the satellite and phone turned off. I told him no. Then he says I need to get rid of the kitten (because he uses the bathroom a lot, and he does not want to spend more money on litter than he used to). The older cat is his "angel" and he doesn't care much for the kitten. I love both of them.
He also complained about something else I bought that I needed and I guess he has a problem with that too. I told him I don't need to justify myself for it. I am so dissapointed that he is this way but am starting to accept that this is who he really is, or maybe not. I wonder if he is narcissistic.
I did buy litter today not because of what he said, but because I care about the cats and they shouldn't go without something because of him. He sure would be upset if he had to use his hand instead of toiletpaper. I look forward to him being gone this weekend, which sounds bad, but at least I won't have to deal with him.
I am actually thinking about cutting off the satellite since he said that, then he'll see what kind of bad suggestion that was. It won't bother me because I don't watch much TV, but he does, well that's all he does when home.
I was also thinking, even if I had plenty of money, it does not mean I should have to pay for everything, because both of us need to do our part, financially and everything else.
However, I have decided not to do his laundry for him anymore. I have done this before and his clothes piled up so high, and one morning he had nothing to wear. Oh was he upset, but I made my point. Sorry this entire post is so negative, but it does feel good to let it all out.
Are any of you having to deal with this kind of stuff?
Well my AD still foots the bill for the cat food and all of her animals are on a separate account at the vet's.
She does her own laundry, or she wears dirty clothes, end of story.
I've started picking up all the dirty socks she leaves laying around and throw them in the dumpster. She buys new ones rather than put forth the effort to pick the dirty ones up.
Once a month I do go through the house in the common areas we share (master bath, living room, kitchen) and anything she leaves out goes in the dumpster too.
I do the housework like mopping/dusting/dishes because I can't stand to live in clutter.
I feel good when it's all done and I see my accomplishment.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
yeah, I deal with this, its what caused a vicious, violent battle here at my home last night. I thought I had a pretty good plan b, but it fell apart, so I am working on plan c....All the utilities are in my name, rent is in both, and I dont have plenty of money to help see me thru this time, but I know that little things can become HUGE when dealing with an a, sober or active. Last night totally proved it and as I type, I am packing a bag and probably heading off to a friends house for the night. He will be gone this weekend, and hopefully, I can get out, if not, I will at least have the weekend to myself to further my plan. I should know by the end of next week if I will be able to keep my apt., if not, then I will have to rely on the kindness of strangers, cuz honestly, my family is USELESS. jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Oh the games people play . such a waste of time and energy buick . I do things because I want to not because it's my job . we have a great slogan that got me thru alot of those stupid little arguments , HOW IMPORTANT IS IT most of the time it wasn't important at all , just something to keep the argument goin and I soon grew tired of it all . this slogan stops me from getting involved in those petty things that just keep the house in an uproar, I let them go and get on with my day . Is this really worth arguing about I ask myself before i react again most times the answer is no . New sobriety is tough al of a sudden they are focused on us and not in a positive way , lets face it we looked pretty good next to a drunk hehe, sober they see our defects loud and clear and just can't wait to point them out . I made a deal with my husb I don't get to take his inventory and he dosent get to take mine most days that works for us , some days not so much HA! with all those petty arguments going on I spoke to someone over coffee about them and she said I had to decide was it more important for me to be Right or Loved ? not much choice really . Life is just too damn short to get involved with stupid petty things good luck hon Louise
I used to ask myself "Why does he have to fight over every stupid little thing?" and then I started asking "Why do *I* have to fight over every stupid little thing?"
What it came down to, with me, was my realization that I didn't HAVE to live with him.
The night that I made up my mind that I would leave if things ever got bad enough again that I would feel the need to take the kids and spend the night in a motel was a big turning point for me. After that, I would look at things that came up and think "Is this worth turning into a fight that might be the last fight of my marriage?" and usually it wasn't. The few things that were, I was mad enough, and right enough, that he didn't fight them. Anyway, for me, knowing that if I really didn't want to put up with it anymore, I could walk out and although it would be hard it probably wouldn't be any harder than living with him, made it so easy to just let the small stuff slide.
Wow they can be annoying huh. I used to fight with the A over everything, he would let things get cut off. When I stopped fighting is when things really changed. When I stopped reacting to him and really in some sense over reacting I really started to gear my program up. Have you got a copy of Getting them Sober because they have a lot of suggestions around this stuff.
I did personally find not fighting helped. I have to say it helped me the A continued to get worse and worse but I stopped having my life dictated to by his mood swings and his demands. I really put the "how important is it" in place.
Of course I didn't get to the stopping fighting for a long time. I had to really work on de-taching and then work some more. I had to also put the entire focus on me rather than on him. The A could certainly still annoy me but nothing like he used to.
Good luck. I personally would not switch anything off unless I had a plan be. Some A's do tend to re-act to stuff. I told the A I was leaving and he did not believe it. I didn't switch the cable off until I had left.
I admire you for how you deal with your AD. I feel the same way about keeping the house clean. If I wouldn't do it, it would not get done. Growing up, my mom always kept the house clean, my dad never did any of that. His job was to fix things around the house and to take care of the cars, the guys stuff. There were certain things though that my dad did to, like he never sat down on the couch with dirty work clothes (which my bf does and it annoys me), and stuff like that.
Jeannie,
I'm sorry about what you are going trough. I'm glad you get to stay at your friends for a night and I hope things have improved some by now. Please keep us updated. I had a good friend who was physically abused for many years and I know this is a horrible situation to be in.
Louise,
when you said - lets face it we looked pretty good next to a drunk hehe, sober they see our defects loud and clear and just can't wait to point them out - you made a very good point here. Your posts always get me thinking, thanks.
I asked myself how important is it to argue about cat litter. It's not. The point was I wanted him to know how I felt about the fact that I shouldn't have to pay for everything around here. Besides, he works 40 hours a week, sometimes more. I work part time and also am raising a child which I don't expect him to help me with, and he hasn't. Then I thought about it and figured he already knows my point of view about things, because I have told him the same things before. He just doesn't care to hear my opinion, and sticks with his own, being selfish.
I ended up buying the litter. It gave me peace of mind. We did not talk at all last night, he sat and watched TV as always and I did my own thing. When we went to bed, I noticed he tried to come close to me and wanted to put his arm around me like he does every night, but he did not. So I knew that he knew I was upset even though I did not say a word. Maybe he'll take the time to think about it in jail this weekend, and if not, oh well, his loss.
Lin,
I also know I do not have to live with him, but I'm not ready for any major changes right now. At least I get a break every weekend. I'm really not one to worry about small stuff, and raising a child, I have to concentrate on what's important. One thing I stick with is that I don't bring up stuff to my A that could result in an argument when my daughter is around. So we did not speak yesterday.
Maresie,
I am better at not reacting, but it does happen. When we do argue, I am nicer now, do not yell, don't call him back if he hangs up on me, and things like that. I can see some progress. I do have the book, Canadian guy sent me a copy and I'm so thankful. It's a good book, and you know after all this, I'm gonna reread it.
When he was still active, I didn't "talk back" much, always tried to avoid arguments. Now I know he does not "flip out" when I tell him something he doesn't want to hear or disagrees with. I don't have to worry about him losing his temper, breaking stuff etc. I would argue with him when he really pushed my buttons though.
I have noticed, since I put my focus on my child and myself, and took the focus off him for the most part, my child seems happier and I do too. My daughter and I have been getting along all week without a problem. Something comes up at times I think because she is a pre teen, I don't know if anyone can relate. Anyway, I also don't take my frustrations out on here anymore. Lately, I have been giving problems to my HP. Basically just said to take it all and it really helped.
I completely relate to the him not doing his part thing. The thing is, I can't make him do what I think is fair and equitable - so I end up having to be real clear on what I want/need to do, and what I don't. I don't really care about the TV? Then "you, know, I think you're right" when he suggests cutting it off. I can bet he's going to decide he doesn't want it off after all, but if he doesn't, it's something I can live with.
Any chance of the 2 of you sitting down and working out what a fair and equitable distribution of expenses IS? The only thing is, be prepared for the things in "his" column to get shut off. They might not - but you have to be okay with it if they do, or otherwise you're going to jump into his stuff and pay it.
That said - sometimes I have to use "how important is it" too.
Well he said to cut off the satellite because he was upset. It's not that we can't afford it. We don't have a lot of money, but are able to pay our bills. The problem is just that he does not take responsibility for his part. I know he would never expect me to actually have it cut off.
I have tried to sit down with him and figure out the finances several times and he refuses to talk about it. The last time I even made a list of all the bills, and a list of all the household expenses. He seems to have a real fear of discussion and talking about money. I don't know why. So many times I would start talking about something important and he would tell me "let's not argue" or he would say "drop it". I can not have a healthy discussion with him about anything.
There are a few things we don't share. He pays his own car insurance, I pay my car insurance, he pays for his storage which has his stuff in it, and we pay for our own gas. I also pay for everything my daughter needs (clothes, school stuff, bday presents, xmas presents etc.) One time he even said to me when my daughter told him he could not come into her room, that she's not paying rent, and he should pay less rent because she has a bedroom and a playroom. I moved here with my child, he moved in later on. I decided to let her have a separate playroom, since both of those rooms are so small. He said he would like to have a room too, and I told him I don't have my own room either.
I think he's also jelous of her (guess the A acting like a child even though he's sober). Well, she comes first in my life besides myself. Actually I think he's jelous of everyone I talk to, everyone who takes my time away from him I guess. Any more insight would be great.
About the satellite thing, I think my daughter would be upset if she couldn't watch her shows anymore.
