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I am living in the same house as AH and am trying to get seperated. It's a slow and not very productive proccess. He was arrested for DUI 2 1/2 weeks ago. I told him he had to leave. e would half ass look in the classified adds but never did a thing and continues to drink (oh so discreetly) in the house. Last night I let my anger boil over and told him he needed to go or we would just get flat out divorced. He said his plan was to go to his court date in a couple weeks, and serve time in jail rather than paying the fine, then he would move out when he got home. He thinks the fine will be over $1000 or 3weeks in jail. This is his first DUI and I told him he was misinformed. He started to get angry and yell, because as usual he knows everything and curses the insuboordinate that dares to question him. So I just left the room and closed the door.
I feel this situation directly effects me otherwise I would not project myself into his problems. If my seperation depends on his court case, than I want to know more about it. I called the courthouse to find out what to expect. They tell me that he is eligable for diversion, where he wont be convicted of DUI if he plays nice and does thier classes. I told him that last night, that's when he started yelling at me about how I didn't know what I was talking about. Then they tell me his court date is Monday at 2:30, and he has a traffic court date on Tuesday at 9am, and to make sure he knows about them because if he misses them he will get a warrant for his arrest. He also has to see the DMV seperately about liscence suspension or he could just lose his liscence. He doesn't know about any of this! He just thinks he will go to cout (in two weeks) and either pay a fine or go to jail.
So, my quandry is...do I tell him he has two seperate court cases, that they are days away (and not weeks) and that he needs to go to the DMV? DO I tell him about diversion, and that he has to ask for a public defender?
I did not intentionally look up his cases, I just wanted to know standard protocol, only there wasn't any standard protocol.
If I don't tell him about the dates, they will just come and go. I have no doubt he tried to hide whatever paperwork the courthouse sent (because he's still trying to act like he did nothing wrong), forgot where he put it, and now really has no idea when the court date is, nor is he concerned enough about it to find out.
Then he will have a warrant and get arrested, probably at the most inopportune time, like when he's picking the kids up from soccer while I'm at work.
Ahhhck! Do I tell him, or just let him lay in his arrogant alcoholic bed?
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Wow, tough question. You opened the can of worms and now you have to decide what to do with them, either stuff them back in the can and close the lid or show them to him...
I think you said you wanted him to move out and him going to jail would have him out.
On the other hand now you know and if you don't say something it's almost like withholding the information, even though he should already have this info. himself. hmmmmmmm
If it were me, and it's not, I would probably inform him of the court dates like write a note on a piece of paper and give it to him or something and leave it to him to decide if he's going to go or not. But then for future reference I would not look into it in the first place because then you set yourself up to be put in the middle.
Also, I used to tell the A he had to leave, it took me packing up the kids and going to be away from him. He wouldn't go and when he did he always thought it was his right to come back. I had to make my life, finances, plans totally separate from him - ie picking up the kids from daycare. Maybe this time he takes care of it but when you're not living together you won't know if he has warrants or not. Plus is he drinking and driving with the kids in the car? Even after I moved out he broke into my house about 3 months later, made himself at home and helped himself to some of the money he gave me for child support. Sooooo, this is your decision, he should know when the court dates are on his own, how bad do you want him out? If he does go to jail you can get a restraining order to keep him from coming back there when he gets out. Just some thoughts.
That IS a tough one.... I think, based on what you have shared, I would hand him the phone number of the person you spoke with, and say that he needs to get information from them.... If he does, he'll know the dates... if he doesn't, he had the chance to do it...
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Then he will have a warrant and get arrested, probably at the most inopportune time, like when he's picking the kids up from soccer while I'm at work.
That statement really reached out to me.
AS CG said, you have opened up a can of worms.
He's an adult, albeit an alcoholic one, and I often have to remind myself of that with the youngest AD still here at home.
I quit reminding her that she had a small window to sign up for health insurance at Pizza Hut when she started there.
She missed the window, and guess who pays her medical bills? Not me
I gave up on telling her that employers really watch you during that 90 day probation period when you start, and she lost the best paying job she ever had that would have given her health insurance.
Guess who pays her medical bills? Not me
The best suggestion I can give you is what can you do and be able to look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and smile?
To thine own self be true
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Definatley I must admit one of the first thoughts was NOT to tell him, let him get arrested, then file for divorce. I shouldn't have called the courthouse, but I wanted to know the procedure. I wasnt really checking on him specifically, but they asked for the name and I gave it. Yes, he has always drove with the kids in the car. I only recently got my liscence, he was the sole driver of our family, and for the last three years he has been sober maybe just a few hours in the morning and the occasional "quitting drinking weekend". I put up with an unbelievable ammount of bullshit related to this, and feelings of helplessness, like I could do nothing about it. I am very very angry for letting him do this to me and our family.
Right now I'm leaning a little more toward the "don't tell" side lol
But I have maintained my sense of ethics, even as his evaporated, and this feels a little too self serving
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 15:36, 2008-09-04
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I don't think actually it is don't tell. There are certainly tons of notifications about court cases and date due. They do send a letter.
Maybe you need to make a plan be. I would not argue with an active A.
I don't think it is a issue of stepping in for them.
I had a terrible time with the A who I was with because of his driving I feel for you. I also know it takes a lot of what ifs to create a plan be.
I had to sit down and make one. I didn't want to he created so much diversion and chaos it was hard to do but I did it.
I did find that the A managed to have tons of warrants and never be arrested. i always felt he was going to be in jail at any moment so far I have not seen him go to jail for a hit and run, numerous speeding tickets and more. Sometimes we project that justice runs far more quickly than it does.
No one can argue with an A about what is right and what they need to do. The issue for me was (and the one I found most difficult) was that I had to think of him being out of the picture and taking care of everything myself. When I did that and got on with it (albeit with a lot of anger at him) things changed for me. I still could be hooked by him but over time the hooks got less and less. Now there are no hooks and he has no chance of ensnaring me anymore. Needless to say none of that happened overnight and of course when we are in that position we want an overnight change.
RainyJamie, Where did he get this 2 weeks court date from? He had to get it from somewhere? He is a grown man, he should know when his court date is. Let's face it, if it were me or you in this or a similar situation, facing jail time for something, wouldn't we make sure we called the court to make sure when the court date was and wouldn't we start getting a public defender or lawyer to defend us in the best possible way? It it were me, I'd let the chips fall where they may, he is an adult and if he misses the court date, he has to be responsible for his actions, even if it means there's a warrant issued and he gets arrested. For every action, there is a consquence. My 24 yo son, who is not an A at all and basically a good kid, only has a motorcycle permit. One day he says he's taking his motorcycle out. I said "you sure you want to do that, given you don't have that kind of license?" He was "yeah, I'll be fine" I said "OK" (he's an adult, he can make his own choices). He got two tickets that day (one was for a suspended drivers' license which he "claims" he had no clue about) and his motorcycle got impounded! Did I pay or lend the money to get it out of impound? No, he did (and it cost him plenty since he had to save up money to get it). He knows when his court date is, and if he misses it, and a warrant is issued, so be it. If he gets arrested, he'll learn to be more diligent next time, if there is a next time, right? As much as I don't want to see that happen, as an adult, he is responsible for himself. I let go and let him affect his own destiny and face reality. It's a hard call for you, but is it really worth arguing with him over?
He has access to the same information... it looks to me like you CARE about his responsibilities more than he CARES about his responsibilities.
Having any sort of plan requires follow through. You have asked him to leave, already. It looks like he negotiated his own terms... he'll leave when it is convenient for him... UNLESS, you don't let that be an option.
His court case is none of your business. The consequences are none of your business. His staying in the house IS your business.
If you choose to enable him to stay, then you must be prepared to deal with "same 'ol, same 'ol".
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
