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Post Info TOPIC: Staying out of the drama between youngest AD and my parents


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 692
Date:
Staying out of the drama between youngest AD and my parents


I have not heard from, nor spoken to my parents since I made it clear I was stepping out of the drama involving AD's totaled car and her now driving the Nissan.

This morning I went to check email, and as all the messages were downloading, I did catch a glimpse of Dad's email address as it went to trash (I set a filter on it).

I debated on whether to read it and finally did.

To 'ease' Mom's mind on AD driving the Nissan which she is not listed as a driver on the policy, I was instructed to:
1) Take the keys from her when she is not at work or at the farm doing chores
2) Check the mileage at least once a day
3) Tell her to hang onto the money from the insurance settlement for a downpayment on a new car (the bank loan was paid off and she has $660 left)

Instead of reacting with an angry retort back, which was my first reaction, I sat and processed my feelings and assessed what I needed to do for me.

Under that anger was pain, pain that there is still a part of me wanting validation from my parents, and they are still stuck in the drama with AD while my current undertaking of college has been tossed aside.

I also realize that there are some people it isn't 'safe' to share my feelings with, so again, I sat and looked at my motives if I were to write back and what I would say.

I finally wrote him to get my feelings out and what he does with it is entirely up to, and on him.

I told him I was going to do whatever it took to preserve my sanity, protect my recovery, and accomplish my goals. That meant continuing to stay out of the drama, and refusing to bow to his demands.

I shared that a part of me still wanted that parental validation, and it's critical for me today to remain focused on the blessings God has given me in the way of friends, both via the internet and in my support group who do support me in my current endeavor.

God does give me exactly what I need, and not necessarily what I want.

Will it change things with them? No.

I know if I did the wrong thing in replying as I did, I will get all the crappy feelings and consequences later on, but I did what I felt I needed to for me, not them.






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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience."
- Woodrow Wilson


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1990
Date:

Sorry, I'm lost, why aren't they doing all this?

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 692
Date:

carolinagirl wrote:

Sorry, I'm lost, why aren't they doing all this?




 AD totaled her car almost 3 weeks ago now as a direct result of more drama-seeking and hooking up with another exBF. She has short term memory of why they are exBFs in the first place.

My old beater car went bellyup 120 miles from home, four years ago while AD was in foster care, and I was driving 260 miles round trip to see her.

Dad came across a good deal on this Nissan 7 months after mine died, and bought it for me.

As with all 'gifts' from my parents, there were strings attached.

Because AD is a delivery driver for Pizza Hut, they didn't want to her to lose her job after the accident (enabling).

Consequently the Nissan was jerked out from under me so she could use it to drive for work and to the farm for chores.

I was incredibly angry, and told my father in no uncertain terms I would rather walk (as I did for 7 months) than drive a vehicle with strings attached.

That car is insured through their policy (multi-car discount), and the insurance company has no idea I have a daughter still living at home or the rate would go up, regardless of whether she drove it or not. I am listed as the sole driver.

So they are enabling her with the car while sweating bullets over the insurance and the very real possibility something happens to the Nissan (she's had 3 accidents in less than a year, two being her fault), and want me to control her activity with the Nissan (they live 90 miles away).

I just started college online, 5 classes this semester, in order to finally get my degree in the midst of all of this.

I hope this clears things up for you! aww

 

 

 

 

 

 



-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 12:12, 2008-09-04

__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience."
- Woodrow Wilson


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 4578
Date:

Do you still drive this car?

I can well understand all the drama. I did live with an A who managed to total two brand new cars in a few years. He also managed to smash up several others. Every single day there was some drama about those cars. I totally understand people being way way out of control over the car.  I definitely tried to control with his craziness around the car for years.  I did not suceed at all.

I can also understand why you wrote what you wrote.  I guess it is done now and you can't reconsider what you wrote and will have to deal with whatever comes next. 

I don't imagine any of this will be easy because your daughter is not in recovery.  I know I do personally tend to get caught in other people's plays and have to work really hard to stay out of them.  I was constantly baffled by how did I participate.  One way for me was to talk at all.  Saying nothing was one way out things. I say very very little, am almost monosyllabic with my housemates.  I try to keep extremely busy so I don't have time to be hooked into other people's stuff.  In other ways being a watcher of the way other people interact once I had de-tached (and I certainly didn't detach for a long long time) has been helpful because I can see all the hooks that pull me in. 

Now I can name the triggers it gets easier to really choose how I react to them or choose to do nothing at all.

Maresie.


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maresie


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 692
Date:

Maresie, I've driven the car twice since the blowup, and both times were to the college campus (40 miles away) while trying to straighten out the text book nightmare for classes.

Otherwise it either sits in the driveway, or she's using it.

It is difficult because this is one living situation I cannot change at the moment, and that continues to fuel my pursuit of my degree and become financially independent.

I don't like feeling trapped with an active A in the home, and it's constant work to detach.

I like what you said about saying nothing, keeping busy (which I am doing with my classes), and just watching the others interact.

More often than not, opening up my mouth got me in a lot of trouble.

I'm pretty good at sensing when AD is in one of her crappy moods because I just stay in the computer room or else she throws those hooks at me!

I've got to just keep my eye on the pie and remind myself that this too shall pass; just not as quickly as I'd like it to!



__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience."
- Woodrow Wilson


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1917
Date:

I think I would have done the same thing, D, it sounds like you did what you needed to do for YOU. It sounded like you really took some time to sort it out and came to the SAME conclusion you arrived at before which just goes to show that you have been right all along. I think its good to check sometimes when we have an opportunity to- as this email from him was an opportunity to double check where you were at with it all a few weeks out from the actual event. Nice work and good example for me, too. Hugs, J.

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