The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I told you that last week I was having panic attacks. Anyway, they upped my zoloft and added ativan. I mentioned this to my A who responded "how many pills do you take?" Anyway, he has been with the other woman and I am trying to detach. A friend from out of town had gone out with him the day that I went to Dollywood. Anyway, I sent her an email that said that I hoped that noone mentioned to Paul that I was asking about the other woman as I did not want to look like a jealous woman. I also tried to call her a couple of times after she texted me- anxiety I know. Anyway, this got repeated to the A's sister in law who told my cousin and on and on. My cousin then sends me a text telling me that she thinks I am having a break down over the A and that the A knows and that he is with the other woman and they all know I am upset and unbalanced, etc. Of course after 6 months of daily talking to him while he was in jail I am upset that it is now over- the dream is dead. ha Of course my feelings are hurt. Of course I am jealous. But, I think I am okay. I just HATE that they all think these things about me. That they think I am weak and neurotic. That he has such power over me. I don't know what to do to fix it, but I am just going to try to sit still....
Hi I really identify with your post and know how painful this all is for you. I'm new here but am in a similiar situation. Feeling helpless and misrepresented is so FRUSTRATING!! Its hard when your emotions are involved, everyone else has the luxury of pain free days and yours are spent hurting. Turn the energy your using to fret about him around and use it to love yourself. You say you think your 'ok' Your more than ok, your a wonderful lovely person. Your right to 'sit still' as they say...when you dont know what to do, do nothing.
Hi I relate so much to all of your posts and you have also stated that you can relate to mine having answered one or two of them I am also a co dependnt and I understand the feelings you experience. the craziness the pain the panic. I was also experiencing panic attacks and basically feeling miserable all of the time. i keep coming to this site, I read al anon literature and attend 2 f2f meetings a week. I am getting better and better keep up the good work and serentity will be yours. I can only share with you my experience but the more I chat with HP ask for guidance trust in him and I know I will be o.k and the craziness goes along with the panic. Now when I feel bad I ask HP for guidanc e nad for an open mind to recieve it as well as the courage to follow it. My life is getting better by the day and I hope yours does too.
I just wanted to say I can relate alot with you on this. I used to have severe panic attacks when dealing with my abf. I've also had to deal with friends and family who thought I was the crazy one. I was the one who ended up going to doctors, counseling etc. while he made it look like he was just fine and I was just a mess. Even though people knew about his addictions, he was very charming, turning everything around. It really is an art, this ability they have. I ended up taking a lot of medications that I really didn't want or need (if I would have taken care of me) and I also had many physical symtoms too. Stress will do a lot to your body and health. I wanted so badly to always explain "my side" of the story, but to be honest, even when I did, it did'nt matter. People will believe and think what they want. I did learn however, that in time, if you let him do whatever he does, that the true colors and addiction problems always come out. Let the other people and the other women learn the hard way for themselves. But I know this is much easier said then done. It takes time to get stronger and it is very hard, I am still working on it! But you have a lot going for you. Take care of you and your child. Focus on that. I know I will never put my son through what I put him through last year when I was sick - never again. I know it is hard when you are in the midst of it all, especially if you are having panic attacks. But if you can, go to some f2f meetings (I take my son if I have too), get a sponsor or someone that you can really talk too, and keep coming here.
It has been two years since I first left my A. The first 9 months - 1 year were chaos. I felt guilty all the time, mostly because I was saying and doing things that I knew would upset him. It took me a very long time to get to the point of feeling that his reactions to what I do are not my problem. For a very long time he played one role and I played another. Then I quit playing. And I started playing a new role that seemed so self centered in the beginning it was so hard to do to be strong and say no. To tell myself I don't HAVE to answer the phone, I WILL NOT call him back, I don't HAVE to let him come over. I changed the boundary lines and he didn't like that at all, I don't think they ever do. There are so many alanon sayings that mean so much to me, so many of them I heard over and over and I didn't really FEEL it and then one day a revelation struck me. Here's a few I'll share with you:
It's none of your business what other people think of you. (All that matters is what you think of yourself!) If you keep doing what you've done you'll keep getting what you've gotten. You choose the choice you choose the consequence (think that one's dr. phil :) Fake it till you make it (that one helped me a lot because on the inside I TOTALLY didn't feel what I was putting out on the outside). If you don't know what to do - do nothing (I always had a problem with feeling like I had to give an answer RIGHT NOW and the funny thing is that if I just stepped back and removed myself things tended to just resolve themselves without me).
Lastly, I just had to keep telling myself no, no I won't call him, no I won't do any favors for him, no I won't keep repeating his name in my head, no no no. And make a plan to replace what you're doing with something else. Every time I think about ____ I'm going to go do ____. It takes time, it's not possible to do it perfectly, eventually (although it doesn't seem like it now) it'll fade away, become like second nature. Coming here helped me so much I can't even say. So many wise people to say what are you doing girl? I am a different person now. This was a growing up process for me. It's hard to realize your own part and have to address those issues but it's worth it, I promise!
CoDe, Sit with your arms wrapped around yourself and affirm that you are well. You are well, you are health, you are peace, you are with your Higher Power. Your Higher Power has never left you.
I sooo relate to wondering what his circle must think of me. Like you, I did some crazy things that must make me look like a whack-o. In my most embarrassing case, I did a drive-by to see if he had told me the truth about where he was. Of course he didn't, and his friends saw me drive by and it got around. Whatever. I did it. I forgive myself. Now we're divorced, and they only know his side of the story which was surely that I had kept him on a short leash, or.... WHATEVER!!! What do I care what a bunch of alcoholics think?!!! I have my own circle.
CoDe, maybe what you are lamenting, is that they know the truth. You and I have done some sick things. You do obsess about the other woman... you are jealous... you are upset... You hate that they THINK these things... even worse, you must hate that these things are true. But, you can change this story. Starting this minute, that can all be history. Just acknowledge it, become aware that it is true and accept it as the former you. Notice this part of the Serenity prayer... To accept the things I cannot change (...MY part in the story, which is now in the past) because now I'm going to be different. I'M GOING TO CHANGE. And, if you catch yourself obsessing again, start anew from there.
I want to say that I think your A is pond scum and I understand how you got to this place. I was married to pond scum for 26 years and it has this unfortunate effect on us. Dwelling on this, however, doesn't help us to grow.
When I decided to move on, I would say the Step 3 prayer many, many times a day....
"God, I offer myself to you (... completely surrendered, Let my former self die) to build with me and to do with me as You will. Relieve me of the bondage of self (... of all my fear, my obsessing and my anxiety) so that I may better do Your will Take away my difficulties that victory over them (... BELIEVE this will happen) may bear witness to those I would help of Your power Your love Your way of life (YES! YES!) May I do Your will always. Amen.
Another prayer I would also say of my husband, "I release you to the Holy Spirit."
Everything you need is already within you. Sometimes our spark goes out and we just need to relight from others whose goal is to stay aligned with an ultimate Light. You are in a wonderful fellowship and you keep coming back! You are going to be just fine.... Even without crazymaking pond scum in your life. Yes. Yes. Believe this is so.
I'm walking with you. We accept God's healing power together.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Well you can take a lot of actions to change your circumstances:
1. Get into recovery go to 90 meetings in 90 days. 2. Stop talking to your friends and family for a while, immerse yourself in 12 step. 3. Go to a counselor and ask them for help. There are lots available. 4. Read self help books, get a library of them, read them over and over.
Life hurts when you are dealing with an A there is no easy way around it. I think it hurts more when we are also not dealing with our issues. We have to deal with them sooner rather than later.
Remember this too will pass. I know it's really hard for you, but leave them to God. I left my A about 2 years ago, very hard I loved him very much. He started dating 6 months after we broke up. That's part of the diease. They use people like they use their drinking to numb whatever pain they don't want to deal with.
Also, this help lots. MORE WILL BE REVEILED. Just be patient, you keep on getting better while he goes deeper in the bottle.
