The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, as a follow up to my previous post about me looking in my bfsober phone, here is what happened. I went home ready to admit what I did, and ready for him to get angry and leave. Because that is what I expected because it was what he did when he was drinking...you don't trust me etc. But the difference with now is I know I would survive if he left. I didn't want to live with anyone who was doing things behind my back that he knew would hurt me. So, I was ready to tell him HA! this is what I found! Now mind you, for the past 2 weeks I have been not doing good on my program, worrying about him more than me, what ifing, and the issues that I have been fighting regarding his friends are huge for me, so we have struggled alot the last couple weeks. And me looking into his phone is a huge indicator that I am not doing my part.
So, we sat down for dinner and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I have just been having a hard time lately, haven't been myself and I did something that I wasn't proud of. I told him I looked in his phone. He said very calmly "that's ok. I have nothing to hide from you". I was surprised by his action, no that's my business, my privacy, nothing, so I thought, he just doesn't know what I have found. So I say, "I saw the text that best friends gf left for you." He told me "that was just best friend texting me to call him". When I heard that I sunk because it made sense. All the text had said was call best friend please. Thats it. But in my head I had so much fear about this best friend and gf that I turned it all around and into this big huge thing that he was hinding from me, and what else had she contacted him about, and well you know how one bad thought leads to another. And I know in my gut this was the truth. I could tell by his reaction, and I could tell because I know how my mind works when I am not doing good. It races and runs and gets out of control.
But here to me is the amazing thing. Over the last couple weeks, I have been trying to explain to my bf that his best friend and best friends gf are emotional triggers for me because they have been involved in so many bad issues. They are his friends, not mine. I told him he would never understand just like I would never understand his addiction stuff. But he said he was trying to understand it a little bit and could see that it is not all in my head - he could see how they were involved. Well, guess what. I sat there and got everything off my chest. Everything. I was not scared to tell him how I felt, and if he didn't get it oh well. I told him I thought since I was doing so well (2weeks ago) that I thought I could handle this upcoming hunting season with him seeing his best friend alot, worrying if there would be drinking issues, but it all started coming so fast, I just couldn't handle it. So he sat there, and just listened and held my hand. He has never done that before...he has always gotten frusturated before when I would try to explain something that was bothering me because he couldn't understand it and we would both end up a big fat mess. But this time, he just listened and said that people just handle steps in different stages and in their own time. I finally felt like he finally got it. Like he finally could see some side of my things for once. That he finally realized that there is pain there. We have never been able to talk like that before..calmly. He would always get mad, blow up, blame me, etc and I would get upset. And by the way, during our fights that we had the last two weeks, he didn't drink. Not one time. That is huge too. But this was huge to me because I said what I needed to say without worry if he was going to leave or not. If he did - then he did. Anyways, this just shows me how much I need to work my program and how much we both are growing. It feels like another step has been conquered. Communication has always been one of our strong points, but in recovery it has been a struggle. I feel like this is a little hurdle we overcame. Not that I will tell by bf everything regarding my recovery, but when you live with someone and want a partnership, it is nice to have some understanding there. Thanks to everyone for all your listening and responses.
That is a beautiful out come! You made amends and they were well recieved, and even furthered your relationship. This is perfect step 9 story!!!! And being we are in the 9th month, it is all the more pleasent!!!
Louise, I read your posts yesterday, unfortunately on my cell phone because I had no internet service. But I needed to stay in touch with my program. Luckily I have a cell service that includes internet. I could tell you were really upset and concerned, I am glad to see that you were able to calm down and think through your issues. It is not easy to overcome that feeling of mistrust and feeling like you are an outsider in your own relationship, when others are involved. I dealt with that issue years ago, I got so frustrated that the main offender got told off by me. I had just had enough of her pushing her opinions and feelings onto our relationship, I just told her off and left the room. Apparently, I was not the only one who felt the way I did and when she asked what was wrong with me everybody told her that she was manipulative and too far into other's relationships. For me, that worked out. That was way before my program though. I applaud you for taking some time to clear your head and make the decision to discuss with your ABF what was wrong and admitting your part in the matter is a good way to get him to open up, I guess that is apparent now. You just had to confront that fear. I know how that feels.
Way to go!! Keep working your program, you are doing great!!!
This is so cool. My AH and I had this kind of revelation a few months ago after he got sober. I finally learned to Let Go, Let HP. I finally learned to let him deal with his own emotions and quit trying to hide my negative feelings from him. It is wonderful to be in a relationship like this. This program really does work if you work it.
Congrats on this hurdle. It is no small thing.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
wow, great to be able to admit your distorted thinking. Great that he did not hammer you with admitting your distorted thinking!!! Sounds like you BOTH are working good program! NICE! Hugs, J.
