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I need help. I found out my bf lied to me about something. I gave him plenty of chances to say something but he never did. There has been issues with his best friend and best friends girlfriend. My bf promised me he would tell me if the gf contacted him for any reason, even if small. Well, I found out she tried to call him last Tuesday and left him a text after that. I found this days ago and like I said, we have had numourous conversations that he could have mentioned this, but he didn't. Then last night he erased all his inbox texts. Funny that his AA meeting last night was on honesty. I don't know what to do because I know he lied and this makes me wonder what else he is lying about when it comes to this person (issues in past there), but then he will know I have looked in his phone and he will blame me for not trusting him - wonder why? He has only been sober for about 4 months but I expect honesty especially with this subject. Should I confront him or not? I know if I don't say anything and just see how it goes, maybe nothing more will happen. But if I say something, then he may just try to hide it more? I just don't trust him on this particalar subject and with his best friend and best f girlfriend. And he will be spending alot more time with his friend due to the hunting season coming up? Don't know what to do? Please give me some advice as this is an extreme level of anxienty for me...and he knows this.
I suppose since there have been issues in the past with her, he didn't mention it to you because he thought you would be upset and hurt. A friend of mine found some text messages on her bf's phone, and he never told her about it. She could not ask him because of course she did not want him to know she looked tru his phone either.
My bf is in early sobriety also, and I do not really trust him with much. I used to look at the call history from his phone online and even call some of the numbers. There was one number I called when a woman answered. I drove myself crazy wondering who that was. It could have been his friends mom for all I know.
The thing is, in my opinion, I have no business looking tru my bf's phone or at his call history. I finally quit doing that since I started with alanon.
If I didn't want someone to know about a phone call (in case he looks tru my call history) I would erase it right after the call. I think he did not expect you to look at his phone, and didn't tell you because he knew you would be upset or hurt because of past issues. Just my opinion.
Did he text her back? That would be important to me. If my bf did not text someone back then how could I blame him? He can not control who calls him or texts him right?
Thank you for the quick reply. I'm just having a hard time with this because for me, I guess it is the trust and principal thing. He knows, as we have discussed, what a trigger and emoitonaling tranmatizing these people are for me due to past problems there. They are his friends, not mine..I have detached myself from this issue as much as I can, knowing that he will have this friend in his life and have left him to handle problems there himself. These people have created lots of problems and been involved in not good ways with me an my bf's issues. So he promised me that he would tell me about things like this, no matter how small, because I explained to him that I would rather know when she contacts him/sees him rather than finding out by anohter way later and finding out he didn't tell me, which would make it worse. I guess those words and that discussion didn't mean much to him since he didn't tell me. Which raises my questions? What if he sees or has seen her or goes hunting with her (which he promised me he would never do, unless I was there) and just does'nt tell me because he thinks I would be hurt? That just doens't work for me. And this past weekend he knew how upset I was about this, due to pasts problems, but still didn't say anything. I just don't get it. It's like emotional cheating to me.
He's an alcoholic, barely getting his feet wet in recovery. Of course he is lying to you - lying is one of the things A's do best. His instincts are all still tuned to his A behaviours - when in doubt, lie, deny, escape, try not to think about it.
Who knows what he is up to - it may be entirely innnocent, or he might be up to all sorts of bad stuff. Your focus needs to be on what YOU are up to. If you are snooping, manipulating, and laying little traps to see if he falls into them, you have your own side of the street to keep clean - these are all symptoms of OUR disease. (I recognize them because I have done them all)
If you go looking for trouble, 9 times out of 10 you will find it, whether the trouble is real or imagined. I always did. So I stopped looking. Checking someone else's phone, emails, mail, etc. is non of my business and an invasion of their privacy. It is so easy to misunderstand things, a little information that my mind can "create" all kinds of adventures with, all bad!....and most importantly it comes from living in fear.
I try real hard to keep my nose out of other people's business. Focus on me, work my program. If I am spiritually fit I am prepared.
The person I need to trust the most is me. Then I can make healthier decisions regarding a relationship.
Not poking around in someone else's phone messages/emails is NOT burying my head in the sand in denial. It is letting them tend to their business and me tend to mine. They are gonna do what they are gonna do.
But what about honesty and trust? Obviously, I don't trust him regarding this subject or I wouldn't be looking in his phone. But this is based on past records of lying on his part. If you live with someone, share finaces and in all ways are practically married - shouldn't I expect honesty? At what point do we stop making excuses for "there early in recovery" and when do they actually have to live up to what they say? And am I just supposed to act like I don't know what is going on and just play the happy little wife? I don't want to be that naive wife that stays at home while her husband goes off and does whatever and I'm just supposed to sit and play "happy".
I gotta agree with the last two, I firmly believe in that saying if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question. I think for me this would be about 1 why do I feel the need to snoop thru bf's stuff (maybe you have a gut feeling here that something is wrong and trying to confirm it - and the gut is almost always right, no need for confirmation) and 2 why be with someone you can't trust? Either he's doing something wrong or he's not but either way there's nothing you can do to change that so you have to think in terms of what am I going to do, what am I willing to tolerate. I can just imagine the next time he goes hunting with this buddy you sitting home on the couch biting your nails wondering what him and this girl are doing out there (because you'll be sure she went too). To me, it's just not worth the anxiety. Once the trust has been broken it's very hard to get it back, sometimes impossible I think. What are you going to do if he is doing something with this girl?
I am sorry, but I guess I'm just not getting it. Maybe my head is just mumbled today. I do not think in any way that he would do something with this girl. I am just wondering if I should confront him on the lying. They say in early recovering, lying is still a part of the A's ways. That things take a while to work out. But in the meantime, should I just sit back and not say anything? Or should I come clean with what I have done (looking in his phone) and hope this will offer a path of communication to make things better or just let it fester inside and ignore it. I'm afraid if I ignore this, it will just make my mind think worse things anyways, which will make everything worse, and so I am thinking confronting him might bring everything for once out in the open?
I'm lost now, I thought he had a "history" with this girl. If you're not concerned about him "doing things" with her then what difference does it make? Why even look?
Sorry let me explain a little. My bf's best friend and girlfriend have been involved in things in the past that have contributed problems, blame etc to our relationship. The girlfriend used to try and set him up with her friends, knowing that he was with me. She used to send my bf sexual my space ads on his phone, called him, and texted him, she called me and yelled at me saying I was the cause of his drinking all problems etc. She also while over to my house acted very inappropriatly with my bf - now Abf had has his hand in this too as I know he used to love her attention, so don't think I hold all the blame on her. Since then, my bf got sober and, the girlfriend has called me to say she used to think I was the cause of his drinking and if someone acted like she had acted with my bf, she would be pissed too. She also told me that she promised that she would not do anything like this anymore. Since then we have found out from her bf that apparently she likes to drink alot and get attention from other men as well. I also have had issues in the past with my bf putting his best friend ahead of me and what is in the best interest for us. His best friend is put up on a pedestal becuase he has all the things my bf wants, material things, time to hunt, etc. But this is my bf best friend, so what do we do? And my bf has promised to stear clear of her as well. Hence the promise to tell me when she texts/calls/ or sees him. There have been many instances that involves these people and my bf that bascally makes it bring up alot of emotional tramitizing experiences for me. There is alot of other stuff that has happened with these people, just alot of involement. So bascially I feel stuck and don't know what to do. Bf said he wouldn't lie about her calling/texting and he obviously is, so do I confront or not?
If you set this as a boundary; and If you communicated the boundary to him; and If you told him what the consequence would be if he did not honor that boundary; then The question is whether you are going to enforce the boundary.
It really is as simple as that.
You cannot control him, you can only control your responses to his behavior. How are you going to respond? Are you going to let his behavior control you (as it is now)? Are you going to let his sobriety control you (as it is now)?
I let my AH's early recovery control my life--I did not enforce my boundaries and he continued to lie, cheat, manipulate and gaslight me. My IC repeatedly pointed out to me that I was putting his recovery before mine. It took about 9 months before I finally decided that I would try to put myself first.
Be gentle with yourself, you are only human. But I would encourage you to look at why you are not confronting him.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Wow this sounds a lot like the relationship I had with my ex boyfriend. I had real issues with all his friends, I had issues with his mother too and issues with the time he spent away from me.
The real issue was however me. I know how to be over invovled. I don't have a clue how to be detached and focused on me. All my egss were in the relationship basket. I was Ms. O, ms Overinvolvement. I certainly looked at the A's phone records and he knew it. I blew a gasket regularly about who he was with, what they did and how they did it. I obsessed on how long he spent with his friends.
The issue is all that time I was obsessing i could have been working on me. I didn't know how to do that. I knew how to obsess, feel anxious, over involve and worry about the state of our relationship. I did that for 7 years. When I came to Al anon I started to change, first of all I started to learn to detach. Then I started to work on what did I need to do, I got a counselor I started working on me. I came to the chat room, of course I obsessed on the boyfriend (after all old habits die hard). I watched other people recover. I started thinking I wanted that too. I detached some more. I started focusing on me what did I need to do. I stopped arguing with the a. Arguing with him never got me anywhere anyways.
Then I detached some more.
So that is the getting it. The focus of al anon is not about the "relationship" its about you. We can't fix the "relationship. We can help to fix you. We can help you to set limits, to recognize dysfunctional behaviors, point you in the right direction. We can do pretty much everythng but make the A into the person you want him to be.
Of course you are right to have red flags about the people you are talking about. The issue is the A doesn't have the same red flags. So what can you do, set limits for yourself. One is to not obsess about them. Obsessing is very draining and increases anxiety. There are ways to not obsess, one is to de-tach. De-taching takes practice, it doesn't come overnight you have to put some muscle in there.
I live with people currently who read who sends me mail and obsess about it. They ask me about it in veiled terms. I don't answer. Really it is none of their business who sends me mail and who doesn't They just don't know how to be anything else but obsessesed and over involved. Neither did I till I came to al anon.
You can take one step at a time to learn new behaviors and new ways of being. I believe its worth it.
Who cares who is texting whom and when and with what and for how long and what it will lead to. Who cares!! The ONLY thing that matters is why YOU care. I can justify just about anything in the world when it comes to WHY I do what I do. I can even go so far as to justify the A's behavior. But what it comes down to is What Do I Want. DO I want to live in a relationship where I am always wondering if A is cheating, drinking, stealing, lying? Or do I want to trust the person I am involved with and respect him and have him respect me?
Some people can live with behaviors which I would find unacceptable. Some people can use the tools of this program to detach enough and live enough that what the A does or doesn't do is of no consequence to them. Personally, that is not the kind of relationship I want. That's just me.
What should you do? I have no clue. When I went into my ex's email and found the proof of his affair, I confronted him. I had suspicons, I took acton and I found exactly what I thought I would.
Would I rather have stayed in denile? At that moment, heck yeah. But in the long run, I am glad I did what I did. And for the record, I did apologize for going into his email. That was wrong, but we had a history of NOT having any boundries. It was an unhealthy, alcoholic relationship all the way around.
In the end, I am the one who changed, he didn't. I EXPECTED him to care about and understand MY insecurities. He could give a flying fig about ME and MY feelings. That was the reality I had to accept. I was never going to force him to care about me and so I walked.
"Some people can live with behaviors which I would find unacceptable. Some people can use the tools of this program to detach enough and live enough that what the A does or doesn't do is of no consequence to them. Personally, that is not the kind of relationship I want. That's just me."
Serendipity, this hit the nail on the head for me. That is not the kind of relationship I want either. So, I think I will admit that I looked in his phone, confront him and go from there. Thank you.
i think the issue is before you confront him is what do you want and what do you want to get out of the confrontation. Al anon has a slogan about it, mean what you say.
I confronted the A who I was with day in day out. Did it change anything, not a thing. I changed my behavior stopped arguing, got on with my life, made a plan be, then my confrontations meant something because I had a life of my own.
I confronted the A who I was with endlessly. Day in day out we had confrontations. Everything was about him and how he behaved. Of course he confronted me too. He had issues with everything, wanted me to watch on TV only what he wanted to watch, turn the TV off (this was when I was in the living room).
All we did was confront each other. Nothing changed.
I had to change. I had to mean it. I had to be ready to go if he didn't change. Eventually I was, at the time of many confrontations I wasn't. I just wanted, craved and craved and wanted for him to change. He didn't. That was the bottom line he didn't change I did. Confronting was for me like wasting my breath. I had to take the focus off the "relationship" and put it on me. How could I live with a person who was impossible. Al anon gives you the tools to do that.
If you do something different you'll get something different is what I was taught in this program. If what you are doing is causing you pain do the opposite is how it was put. Stop what you are doing. Your values are your values and trying to be a moral cop to anyone much less an alcoholic is crazy making. Each and every one of us have a will that we opperate by try to impose your will on me and I will allow you to go crazy because I don't live my life "for" anyone. I live my life "with" others and we are all different which demands tolerance, mercy, grace, forgiveness, no judgement, understanding my self and others, compassion, empathy, honesty, fairness and justice just to name a few. "You cannot expect in return that which you will not give yourself" is what I was told and I found that to be absolutely required. You want honesty from him and trust and won't give it for now. It has to be learned. I learned how to give a "qualified" trust in recovery with a "qualified" expectation. I trusted my alcoholic wife to the level of her ability and expected the same way. Expecting my alcoholic to be someone other than what she was, was a set up. She could never respond in the way I set her up because I was expecting and trusting someone who wasn't present. She would always fail me but then if I stood in her shoes what would the picture look like? I did that and came up with more "F"s in relationship skills than I can to mention. I was not and am not now the paragon of perfection. I will never be...I am human and have imperfections. If you are setting up the definition of honesty and trust and to mixing into it his own definition neither of you will make it and you will be out of a job of being his personal manager while your own life is not going well.
Rather than advice I will suggest that you get to as many face to face Al-Anon meetings as you can over the next 90 days and sit and listen more than anything else. Get and read and re-read as much material about alcoholism and addiction that you can get your hand on and most meetings have tons of it. Get and find a power greater than yourself or you alcoholic who you can and will turn your life and your will over to and stay only in today...not the past not the future...just today.
I never liked being crazy but thought that was the only way I could live until I found out I was wrong and could change me. The dis-ease continued and I stepped out. You can to any time you're ready.
Lies are usually the consequence of fear. I demanded honesty from my alcoholic and wouldn't give it myself. A no win situation.
Turning him into a person you can trust is not one of the choices you have. He is who he is, and he will do what he will do.
Your choices are all about the person you want to be, and the boundaries that you set. The thing about boundaries - they are not fences around someone else. They are YOUR limits - what will you put up with and what won't you. You can ask yourself "Do I want a relationship with this man, or do I want a partner that I can trust?" It is entirely possible that you can't have both.
Maresie is right - alanon is not about fixing the relationship. It's about you. Sometimes, when you get healthier, your relationship does too. Sometimes, when you get healthier, you gain the strength to leave a relationship that is not good for you.
I can sense your frustration at what must look like double-talk to you, but I can assure you, it isn't.
Hang in there!--this too shall pass. I have no real advice except that you can't expect too much honesty from him if he is only 4 mos. sober. Stay strong! Kathleen
wow, first of all, I would NEVER allow anyone to have access to my phone in any way, shape or form and I would not want access to anyones phone in any way, shape or form. To me, this is really invasive and controlling and completely not Ok but this is just me.
My phone is my business. His phone is his business. End of story. I do not touch his phone and he does not touch my phone. Boundary, plain and simple. My only concern and interest is my own phone. His only concern and interest is his phone.
No one touches my phone but me. I like to keep things real simple. Hugs, J.
....and most importantly it comes from living in fear.
