The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My partner iwent to rehab two months ago, he's doing really well and started step 2 last week. He was advised by group leader against being in a relationship whilst recovering. He was upset and has spent the last week thinking on this, tonight he asked me to tell him that I dont want to see him again. He said he cant tell me to go so I have to tell him I dont want him in my life. Its broke my heart, I want to step aside for him. I want his recovery for him. I just feel devastated and dont want to leave him. Please tell me what I should do or how I can handle this in a way that helps us both.
If this was me and my bf was told to break up with me I would be upset. I have heard many say that recovering A's should not enter a new relationship when newly sober, but have never heard that they should end their relationship.
I think it is wrong for anyone to dictate that to people. Everyone makes their own choices. Just because my bf is in recovery does not mean I have to completely step out of his life, especially when we live together. I'm sorry, this just is not right.
I understand that being newly sober is hard on relationships and I'm living it. He's almost 5 months sober, still going to outpatient rehab. I have also heard that they should not make any major changes within I think the first year of their recovery. Breaking up with a partner is a major live change.
I'm sorry but if a counselor or groupleader or anyone told my bf to leave the relationship, I think I would go and have a talk with that person.
I'm sorry about what you are going trough. This is a great place to be. I hope you keep coming back.
I have a really hard time accepting the fact that anyone would play God with anothers life in the name of recovery . If a couple love each other and both are in recovery programs u got a chance as a non drinker I learned how to support my husb efforts at sobriety , mostly by staying out of his stuff and minding my own business . In Al-Anon we keep the focus on us and our needs When someone says get out of your relationship It makes me nuts , to me they are implying that the partner is the reason they drank in the first place and that is insane , for me they are spreading the DISEASE not the message of recovery. There are no guarantees here neither program promises to save a relationship , but it does promise to return us to sanity . I believe that together * we * can make it work . Nothing absolutley nothing u say or do will make him drink again , u are simply not that powerful . You and your A will make the decission that is best for you , not because someone says u have to separate .
Welcome to MIP. I'm glad you are here. Not making any major changes and not getting into new relationships are suggestions for both or maybe all recovery programs. The reason I think you already understand. Relationships demand alot of attention which can pull the recovering person off of what it is they need to do to get clean or sober or in our case serenity. A solution for you might be to get into the Al-Anon Family Groups program yourself and not make his decision for him. Don't interfere in his recovery and get into your own and then turn the whole thing one day at a time over to God or God as you understand God. Your Higher Power... I have been a substance abuse counselor and have made the same suggestion to my clients while knowing that it is a suggestion only and almost impossible to follow thru on. So my suggestion to the spouse and family is what I suggested above...get into your own twelve step program and work it. The paths will be similar and not always side by side, still there will be more understanding and compatability. It will not be easy. Our program is a simple one it is the human side of us that makes it complicated. Don't make his decisions for him. Make your decisions for your self for the right reasons. You want a relationship with an alcoholic or substance abuser? Go sit with the people who have and are learning what that is like and what it takes. You don't want to take him off of his program? Go sit with the people who have and are learning how not to do that. Those are here and in the Family Groups. We attend face to face meetings, ask what to do by asking others how they have done it and follow the suggestions (not advice) that is given to us. How it comes out depends upon how much he wants to be clean and sober in spite of the relationship and how much you want to have a relationship with him and not get totally lost in it. It can be done and that is considered one of the miracles of our program. You can find the hotline number to Al-Anon in your local telephone book or ask the rehab for a lead to it. No sense going after a counselor who is making usual decisions based upon fact and experience. That suggestion was made to me when I first got into Al-Anon and I didn't follow it and didn't follow it and didn't follow it until I learned that the new relationships I was getting into distracted me from my own recovery. Plus I learned I didn't know how to have a real relationship without having the program. I kept making poor choices regarding my steady partners until I learned not to. Don't get into the future about what it would be like with or without him. Stay right into today right into now and go find the Al-Anon hotline number. Make choices for you and let him and his program continue on. Don't loose hope.
When our members are married to an alcoholic or addict we don't recommend or even suggest divorce in order that the member recover free of distraction. There are always distractions and that is only one reason why we aim for progress knowing that perfection has never been reached by anyone. So don't let his suggestion from his counselor distract you from seeking your own recovery and understanding. He could get and stay clean and sober and you can reach peace of mind and serenity. You might even achieve this together. I have seen it happen and I have helped others achieve it just as I was helped to achieve it myself.
Let go of the fear. Go after the program. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Your post pulled at my heart strings. I don't have that particular experience as you've shared but it seems to me that if you don't want to break up with him, you shouldn't have to. If he feels he needs to break up with you, than that's his choice but it's not fair for him to ask you to do the hard stuff.
Just my opinion, love in recovery, Maria
P.S. All of the previous posts have some very good experience, strength and hope and most of all, keep coming here. We understand as perhaps few others can.
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Just want to add to what Maria has said, If HE wants to break up, make HIM go through the motions. (jeez, they can be sooo selfish!) Stay true to yourself. If you don't want to break up, don't do something that is false.
I hope that you take care of yourself by getting to lots of meetings! Surround yourself with this support. For me, the fellowship is a true haven and has carried me through the worst of times. I see it as a gift from my HP. But, it is a choice, and I hope that you choose it for yourself. You will find, that you will be just fine... with or without him. This is my experience.
(((((hugs)))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you all for your quick and loving support. I dont feel so isolated now and am grateful for all of you being there. My relationship is very new, my partners relationship with substances is over 20 years old. I understand I have alot of soul searching to do and am already questioning my motivations. I'm glad to have found MIP, thank you all.
why not put the relationship on hold until he does a fourth step? You don't have to "break up" but to put things on hold. The counselors mandate is actually a suggestion and it may be a bit mis interpreted. Generally it is suggested in both al anon and in aa to not make any major changes. I don't know about you but I think breaking up for anyone is a major major change. I once worked at a place where a woman's husband died and she came to work and acted like normal. I felt that was really wierd. They all thought it was great!
A suggestion is a suggestion you can come up with your own suggestion. If your boyfriend feels overwhelmed by his "suggestion" go to your own suggestion of putting things on hold for say a month. Come back together then and decide what you want to do then.
That's my suggestion of course and I'm the last one to mandate anything. I 've been mandated to do all kinds of things in the name of what someone else thought my recovery "should" be.
Above all focus on yourself. How is it for you? What are you doing with your life, your life isn't the relationship after all. You have to be "in love" with your life too.
