The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted in a week or so....still trying to deal with my AH in a Sober Living Home and him only seeing our children once in a month.
This weekend he didnt even call, I guess the long weekend or something. When he does call its, "I love you , Daddy has to go into a meeting now." He acts like he is required to attend like 6 meetings a day or something?
I never talk to him, I respect his selfish time he is having when he came over to see them for the 1st time last week, I thought I would die inside, not seeing myelf for that long, it was hard to not reach out and hug him, but I didnt, I just left the room and minded my own business. He stayed for a little over an hour. Took more of his things and left.
I personally think he met someone while in recovery... It was then all of a sudden after three days in, he didnt love me anymore....
I dont know if I am just crazy but how can he just not pick up the phone when his daughter calls him at night?If you knew my AH(narcotic addict) before with his kids, they are his everything, was with them everyday since they have been born, no business trips away, nothing...so I cant understand how he can not want to see them more or at least call them. I get that he doesnt 'love me anymore" and that this is my doing he says. I was told that they normally take about 3 months to get to the Steps where things really start to change, 5,6,7 or something like that.
Thanks for letting me share. I am going to church and seeing a counselor as well for this but I always appreciate feedback from those that hve felt the same pain.
I know how incredibly hard it can be when they go into recovery. We think once they get into recovery, everything will be great. We waited so long for them to get sober. It's great that they are. Sobriety and recovery is a wonderful thing. . I hope it sticks for him.
The reality for us, is that it can be just as hard when they are in recovery as when they were drinking. In one way it can be harder. We were use to the choas when they were active. We knew what to expect. Now we don't. They masked all those emotions with drugs or alcohol. Suddenly, they can't do that anymore. So who knows what they are feeling?
Sometimes if the couple has only known each other when one of them was active there's a wake up call for them. On top of dealing with sobriety, they are suddenly seeing their partner in a new light. It can be hard on both of you. Remember too, even if that is not the case, the dynamics of an active relationship vs. a sober relationship is very different. I came to Alanon late. ( I wish I had found it right when hubby went into rehab. Better late than never!)
You know he may be feeling very bad about what he did while he was with the kids. Hubby often told me, that they guilt he felt while he was drinking in front of his kids was the worst thing ever. Maybe he can't always face her. Everytime mine would get off the phone with the kids, he would beat himself up more. Or perhaps when she calls, he can't always pick up the phone. There are rules in a halfway house. They have to do what they have to in order to stay sober.
I know all of this sounds lame, but the more you work your program, the better off you will be. We need to heal too. Leave his recovery up to him. It is what it is. You have to what is best for you and your children. All you can do is reassure your children that Daddy still loves them, and in order to get better he has to take lots of time for himself. It doesn't mean that Daddy loves them any less. It's because he loves them that he needs to take this time. Daddy may not talk as much to them, but the love will always be there because they are in his heart. When the children are old enough take them to Alateen. In the mean time, remember you are doing the best you can at this time and place. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 09:46, 2008-09-01
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My ex was with the kids all the time also. I worked evenings so he was with them to bathe,feed,sing to, do homework with, listen to their prayers......everything.
All of that changed. It changed with the affairs, with the contiuned crack use and the untreated mental illness. He also has Narcissitic Personality Disorder.
Early sobriety is a bitch (sorry debilyn! but it really is!!) But PLEASE understand that what he is saying, how he is behaving has NOTHING at all to do with you.
I didn't believe that either at first. I took it all personally. After all, I was his wife, the mother of his kids. But, the truth is, he is so wrapped up in himself (not in a healthy way either) that all you are right this minute is a reminder of what a screw up he is. But insted of him thinking "geeze, I am a screw up. I have hurt my wife and kids and myself. I don't know how to ever make this up to them, much less be honest with all that I have done..." he is probably thinking " Geeze I am a screw up, but I wouldn't have done what I did if it weren't for my wife and kids and all of the pressure they put on me! Yeah, it is all their fault!!! Oh I will get better because living well is the best revenge!!! I'll show them! trying to mess me up like they did!" Makes no sense right?
Now, I am not saying that is what is going thru his head. How would I know? This is just what I have learned for my A and his attempts at recovery. He shared alot with me about how screwed up his mind was and how he could justify anything within his own mind.
I don't know if this helps or not. The very best thing I ever did was to stop focusing on him and start focusing on me. Like I said in a pervious post Live and Let Live doesn't mean to focus on letting the A live his life and do what he is going to do. It means that I LIVE my life and in doing so it happens that I take my eyes off the A and his life happens as it is supposed to. So what can you do for yourself today, to begin to really live your life?
And once I started living my own life, the pain and anger didn't just magically disappear. But over time, it lessened. And today, I am more concerned with myself and the pain of what he does still pops up (mostly around his treatment or mistreatment of the kids...don't ask me how to move beyond that one!)
Good luck and remember, you are going to be just fine, you are getting thru this.
I know your pain. My Ahsober basically said goodbye to our marriage and our family. Our sons are grown but he thinks that twice a year is fine. Remember that you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. The stats aren't good for marriages after treatment. The reason they say it that when they sober up they don't have any relationship skills. Focus on yourself and you family. Go to meetings. Read the literature.
. I hope it sticks for him. 
