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Hello, my name is Amanda and I live in Michigan. I am the adult child of two alcoholic parents and a sibling to 3 alcoholic siblings. I am the only one in my "family" who is not an alcoholic. I have never drank except for NyQuil. I read a few posts here already I am nearly in tears. But anyways, here is a quick summary of my "story"
I am here because of my mother and partially my father. But is mostly about my mom. My mother has struggled with alcohol since 1989 but mainly it has been 1995. Her dad was a raging alcoholic who commited suicide in 1983. In 1989 my mother was Diagnosed with being Bi-Polar. From then til now, she has had a lot of "episodes" that I really now believe to be Alcohol Induced Pyschosis (sp) I never felt she fit the description of Bi-Polar but she has ever ear mark of being an alcoholic and suffering from the AIC. (which btw.. can create mania like episodes like BiPolar) My mothers problems always started/heightened/ and ended with alcohol or the lack thereof. It always starts out with increased drinking and ends when she is either incarcerated or hospitalized long enough that the effects of the alcohol leave her system.
She has always drank that I can remmeber but it was usually wine coolers but whenever she would start drinking beer, it meant life would get crazy for awhile. Things would be crazy anywhere from 2-12 months. Arrests after arrests. She probably slept with over 100 men just in the last few years all that she picked up in bars. The mental health place would tell us she was "FINE" and she kept getting discharged which messed with our heads even more. We could see she wasn't "FINE" But I realize now it is because we were expecting it to be something it wasn't. She had a degree of control because her problem wasn't BiPolar.. (in which she'd have none)
Well right now we are going through year 15 of craziness. I have been in tears nearly all day. I have realized I have been alienating my husband and my young children. I am being consumed by my mothers actions. I HAVE to be on here because of "What if's" like "What if she writes on my MySpace" or "John might have something to tell me because he heard my mother did...." and I just felt like this internet was my connection to keep in tune with what was going on but yet not trying to get into it. It is consuming me.
Last night she called me because she was in the mental ward. Her sister got her admitted which only lasts a week. My mind kept flashing back to 1995 when I was a teenager. She gave me some stories and I nearly fell for them. She was acting like a victim and wanted to set up plans for a picnic with my family. My head and heart are torn. I am so confused with everything. I want to love my mother but yet, I can't.
From 1995-1997 I spent a lot of time with her during her alcoholic drama phases. I saw a lot of things I should have never seen and they haunt me and torment me. Whenever she gets into drinking binges again, memories pop back up. It is like I cannot get past things because its just the same stuff over and over. Problems are the same now as when I was a kid. But I cannot keep doing this. I have my own children to take care of and the drama surrounding her is taking me away from my position as mommy and wife. It isn't fair to them
But while I understand all of this logically, my heart stilll aches. It is like I am mourning over the death of her but she is still alive and she keeps coming back.. But then she goes on a drinking binge and she dies all over. Except I keep readin gher name in the Police Beat, or she shows up to my house or I hear about this or that around town. It is reeking havoc in my life as much as I try not to let it
I need a good support group. My husband tries his best to be there for me but he comes from a family with absolutely no alcoholics. No one drinks at all. He has very stable secure family members so he cannot "understand" this. I have been dealing with the chaos my whole youth and it still affects me now as an adult
I cannot be there for her because my children need and deserve me more. My mom and dad play guilt trips on me because of it. My dad for the last few years has done his best to get me to let her back into my life. I had only had her in it for 6 months out of the last nearly 4 years.
I want to deal with my feelings once and for all. I don't want to be a bad daughter but I feel like it is at the cost of being a good mother. can't I be both?
My mother refuses to acknowledge that she is an alcoholic. She believes this is all about being BiPolar and thus she ahs no interest in abstaining from alcohol. She was in AA for awhile because of court after a DUI 2 years ago but as soon as it was over, she got right back into drinking and it spiraled out of control to where she is now.
If she had died at some point, I could have grieved and mourned and gotten over it. But she keeps coming back and I cannot keep this back and forth thing going. It will cost me everything.
Thank yo ufor listening to my ramblings... I just don't know what to do. Until she can acknowledge the problem and seek help for it, it will just keep happening and the process has to start over. I do believe alcohol is a strong addiction but I don't believe it is a disease that someone cannot overcome. I have had many family members who overcame alcohol and have been clean and sober for years. But it never happened til they acknowledged it.
But I am just at my breaking point to where I cannot keep waiting for her and I am so torn and feeling sad
Hi, and welcome. Yes, until she acknowledges her problem it will just keep happening. However, you don't have to ride the roller coaster with her.
Being a "good daughter" doesn't mean you have to go along with all the alcoholic chaos. Here we try to 'detach with love' - it is possible to continue to love the alcoholic without being drawn into all the craziness. You are right - your own life and that of your children is your responsibility. It is not your job to 'fix' your parents.
If you possibly can, please get to a face to face meeting. There you will find people who do understand, who will let you say whatever you need to say. Read our literature, and keep coming here. Things can get better for you.
sounds like you are in the right place.there is also an ACOA group here that can help. Why not sit on the internet here and reply to posts, read the archive history and keep posting. I don't know that I think My space is the place to go for help with codependency.
There are tons of books out there for people who have to deal with ACA issues, Claudia Black has written some good ones, Melody Beattie has written a lot about codependency. Any of the Al anon books are helpful. You can surround yourself with recovery.
Getting a strong support group can be a lot of work but you can certainly start here. There are meetings here twice a day, everyone here is very nice, supportive, kind, nonjudgemental. There is a chat room where you can go to chat with others and form networks. There are also face to face meetings you can attend. Many people here go to face to face meetings and find them really helpful. Personally I think it takes quite a while to build a good support network but its there one step at a time.
You have taken the first step, now keep walking the road you have found. You cannot fix your mother, only she can do that. However, you can learn to fix you and that is the only person you can fix.
I strongly suggest that you get to some face to face Al-Anon meetings. There you will find a room full of people that understand what you are living with. Some may have lived in your shoes at one point. You will learn how to take care of you, how to detach and let your mom take care of her own recovery if she wants it. If she doesn't want it that does not mean that any of it is your fault. You did not cause this and it is not yours to fix.
Unfortunately, we have a tendancy to become as sick or sicker than the alcoholics/drug addicts that are in our lives. They consume our thoughts and deeds 24/7 which should tell us that we are as addicted to them as they are to their drug of choice. We have to let go of them and let them fall to their very lowest point and while they are doing that we have to learn how to live again. Al-Anon can do that for us and we will be much happier, more functioning people as we attend meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps. It won't happen over night but this did not get to the magnitude it is over night so be patient with yourself.
Keep Coming Back Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Just wanted to say welcome you have come to a great place for support the esh or energy strength and hope here and at a face to face al anon meeting is amazing.
keep coming back and thanks for sharing your post hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I'm so glad you're here. I can feel your pain as I read your post. I'm so sorry for all the agony you must be feeling. I remember how desperate I was to try and fix my A husband. Quickly I learned it was my reaction to him I had to fix. There is so much wisdom and love here and I hope you keep coming back to learn how you too can be at peace. I struggled for many years as has everyone else here. You are not alone. A very good friend of mine has/had parents like yours. Both alcoholics that deserted her many times. I suggested last summer that try to say her peace with her astranged mother. She wouldn't even talk to me about it. You guessed it, her mother died after we saw her on the street the night before. It had been years since she saw her. I believe God was giving her one last chance to a least see her mother. I'm not trying to tell you what is right for you, no one can. Just some experience, strength and hope. Take what you will and leave the rest. Keep coming back!
You are ready to stop...Good!! You can stop anytime you want and say out loud enough is enough and I've had enough!! Since your husband is supportive you are extra blessed. I like the suggestiong of the ACOA site that you got here. You will never have to feel alone or unvalidated again. Adult Children of Alcoholics is another door you can open and go into. All of the insanity and pain can end right now if you want it.
Keep coming back. You are soooo welcomed. (((((hugs)))))
