The material presented
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i seriously can not stnd my a at this point..yesterday and last night were truly insane and magical..i don't now why i say magical but i feel like she..from detroit..in a drunken drug addicted tail spin and i fell right into it..she ended up calling a friend of mine and my mothers house three times saying she was worried about me..i was not taking her clls..its all a horrible terrible game
i feel like by the way i reacted to it..my anger..resentment..guilt ..shame..hurt etc
i am over the edge with all of this at this point
i've got some tools and the such but when you are in the middle of the ..well..there seems to be nothing one can do..i didn't step away..i lost my temper..i am ultimately sick and tired of this woman and what comes with her and really i would hope and wish tht she would simply dissapear
god..please hellp me..please help me follow your will for me cause this is all i can do now
i am angry.. and feel violated..abused and used
i need help...real help to get through all of this ..make my life ok
i love her..i hate her..i want to destroy her nd i guess i feel the same way about myself
love loss..there is none at this point..just contention and feeling of despair and hate
I can relate to what you are describing as how you feel, I have felt those things too, I have tried to commit suicide before, I hope you are not that low. It may be a good time to choose to set a boundary for yourself (or not) but whn I have gotten so insane & toxic over certain people, people who I could not continue along in my own recovery with, I had to keep them out of my life. I know when I feel violate, used & abused that I can at least do something about that & make an effort to not allow those people to do those things to me again. It can get better, you can change & get some control and influence back in your life (if I can do it, anyone can).
Hang in there, breathe, consider what is the best thing for you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I was just thinking today about my proclivity to be around those who can not be there for me. I somehow found myself dependent on those who had little to give.
Do you read? Melody Beattie is a great help. I have been re-reading Codependtn No more. I highly recommend it.
When I left the A and it is just a short year ago I leaned heavily on this group but I also practiced the tools as best I could. I made a plan be, it wasn't a very good one but I made one. I set limits, I held to the limits. I stopped worrying so much about what others thought of me.
One day at a time we do get better.
If you need help, why not go to counselling. I go to as much counselling as I can get, I'm about to add group therapy to the equation. Use every resource you have and above all "don't react'. I know that is a hard thing to do but the less you react the less your A will be able to play out on you. Of course its far easier said than to do. I have to practice it daily. Practice is the key. Practice detaching, practice taking care of yourself, practice not reacting. Get as much help as you can. The issue is other people cannot live your life, no one can de-tach for you, no one can make a plan be for you, no one can not react for you. You have to do that.
I have felt this way also. I call it the Monster. It was in this state that I reached my bottom. For some unknown reason I was able to walk away and not do what I felt like doing to my A. I have no idea why. HP simply picked me up and took me away and set my boots a walkin' in the opposite direction. If HP had not done this, I would have been posting from a jail cell, I can guarantee this.
You can use this moment two ways. You do have a choice. I know how incredibly painful and hard and messed up this feels! Ask HP to show his will for you- I would pray to HP to remove the toxic people from my life and bring the healing ones. It happened. take care, hugs, J.
One thing that I do when I am at my sickest, is to act as if I have only two choices. "I have to give in completely" or "I have to fight to the death". In reality, I have all kinds of choices. One really good choice is not to answer the phone, if you are not sure if you want to talk to the person on the other end. If you can't stand to have a phone ringing and not answer it, turn it off, or go out for the day. You can say "Don't want to talk about this right now, I'll call you Thursday." Especially if you are not living with the person, you can give yourself time to decide how you want to react, and which reaction is in your best interests. You don't HAVE to engage, just because they want you to. You can instead just go to the movies.
thanks for the replies..i have been reading melody beattie stuff...also got involved with a coda group..as well as therapy..once a week...meetings of all kinds help me out
not answering the phone is difficult for me..but i don't want to engage almost as much as i want to??...strange
my feelings seem to be in turmoil..and most...if not all of the suggestions given here are either being used by myself..or trying to use them...something like that
just really frustrated...as i'm sure my a is...describing herself to me as an 80 ...thats how much money i gave her when she left
she is ...angry and reeling...even threatened to come back here last night..etc etc etc
anyway...two meetings today helped...and some al anaon and coda readings...didn't pick up the phone today...etc etc etc
my shame and guilt are certainly biting at me over this situation...and this relationship...feeling pretty awful...but not suicidal...thats why i go to meetings..i do find help strength courage and wisdom and above all hope..
anyway,,,thanks for the help...it is hard...maybe some of the hardest stuff i have ever had to do..feel terrible..again
