The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The kids are at their dad's this weekend. I purposely took the day off today so we could spend some time together and relax. AH came home from work at 8:30, began drinking at 8:35 and by 2:30 was pissed at me because I could not answer a question in three sentences or less - while we were going to the bank. He proceeded to try to get out of the car while it was moving at about fifty...THEN...he kicked out the windshield while I was attempting to drive him back to the house.
The VA would do nothing, the police ticketed ME because I was driving and my car now has no windshield while HE is sleeping it off yet again.
Please tell me again why I can't tell him it's either me or the booze???
He cannot make it through a weekend. He's fine while he's working, but the moment he's got a few days off he turns into a complete lunatic and I'd like to know how the heck I'm supposed to detach from the situation when I got the ticket for HIS bad behavior!! Never mind the reality that my car has no windshield and there won't be any place to fix it until Tuesday because of the holiday and I have to drive three hours on Monday to pick the kids up in a vehicle that has no windshield! Right now I'm sorry I ever even met this man, let alone married him.
Your post instantly took me back a few years ago with a similar indicent. As I was driving my car, my abf in the passenger seat, he started going crazy because I did not go somewhere he wanted to go first, because I had to go pay a bill. Anyway, he grabbed my steering wheel, tried to change gears, hitting the passenger door, hitting the windshield. Well, he cracked the windshield pretty bad and never payed for a replacement. He was drunk when this happened.
I did break up with him but it didn't last. I told him several times to chose between me or the alcohol. Back then I didn't know what I know now. I put up with a lot of crazyness. I guess I was completely addicted to him, always believed he would change, and he just got worse. I liked how he was sober, and there was a point when I only saw him sober when he left for work in the morning.
He would promise me that he would come right home after work and I knew it would not happen. At one point I started hating weekends because I knew he would drink all weekend and go crazy. I liked the times when he used to work late. He would be too tired to go to the bar, he would come home, have 2 beers and fall asleep.
Since this desease is progressive, and I saw it progress over the years, it will get worse. I hope you take care of yourself and keep coming back here. It has helped me a great deal.
You said "I got the ticket for his bad behavior". I have learned that the police isn't always very helpful or fair. I don't think it was right that you recieved a ticket for this, and usually we suffer the concequences for our A's bad behavior. I hope you are not stuck paying for the replacement like I was.
I said to myself many many times how I wished I had never met my A. I can definetely relate. Hang in there.
Your post sounds like my first post....that was the weekend for me that the bells went off in my head even louder than they had before. It was also the weekend that he finally realized that it was now or never for him. I have been working this program with hope and hardwork, and now, just over a month later have become so much more aware, and so much stronger. My A has the blessing (and the curse) of not even remembering his behavior, but it is almost always the last thing I think about before falling asleep at night. I will always remember....its part of what keeps me going forward. Keep yourself safe! seeking peace, jeannie
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Well if you were to get the book that is offered up above by Canadian Guy, Getting them Sober you would see some of the issue with thinking that its as simple as "its either me or the drugs/drink". I endured a car crazy, rage filled car smashing alcoholic for 7 years, he got progressively worse. He always had an excuse for the rage, it usually involved me not being totaly perfect and absolutely in tune with him and only his needs.
The A who I was with wrecked 3 cars, probably 5 in all during the 7 years we were together. Two cars were brand new. I am still dealing with one of them since I paid for it. There are some days when I feel like I will always be dealing with the mess he made and I stayed around to mop up after. The issue is that he's no longer around to create any more new crises and some of that is my own actions and a lot of that is the progression of his disease.
I know for me it was one long crisis after the other. I never go to deal with one crisis for very long and then another came along. There was no time to deal with moving out or my problems because he had so many. I was from one crisis to the next. Before one was halfway through he'd created another.
I can very much relate to your post. The police in the area had little sympathy for me. I could go into some long long scenarios of he did this, I did that. The issue was my life was totally out of control. I came here, my life was still totally out of control for a lot of years. i came here and started working a program. I got a sponsor. I found stories I culd relate to. I came here to the chat room and stayed in it I made a lot of contacts. I kept talking about my situation. I de-tached I de-tached some more.
There are tools within the program. There are things you can do to take care of yourself no matter how terrible your situation is. You can take actions, you can take steps to make your life better. True I have wishes I never met the A, there are other times when I know that it took being with him to bring me to al anon and al anon is where I belong. I'm certainly not out there proferring him thanks for getting me here. Nevertheless I am grateful to have found this program.
We passed the entire ruined day and went on to ruined weekend. Yesterday he caused a scene at the hair stylists, literally leaving me in the baking sun eight miles from home sitting in a hot car without my cell and my purse and there was no way I was going into the salon after the scene he'd just made. I'd freaking bake my brains first. He came out, they'd botched his hair up so, of course, another scene was made...somehow it turned into MY fault...and then I get accused of being a victim.
Tonight took the cake, though. My ex-husband is an extremely abusive and manipulative individual - and here's the kicker, he's also a minister - he has the kids this weekend and he tried some fast stuff, trying to get me to let him keep the kids an extra few days. When I got off the phone I was visibly upset and crying. What does AH do? Screams, rants and raves at ME for being a closed minded individual and not allowing the ex to have a side! Excuse me? The ex GETS NO SIDE. This, of course, evolved into a screaming match where he took a hammer to one of the computer monitors. I, in turn, called the cops. Did the cops drag his ass away? Hell no - they told him to quiet down and LEFT! Leaving ME to put up with his ranting and raving for another four hours where I didn't love him because I called the cops on him, I'm the one with all the problems, I'm a terrible, horrible person and on and on and on and he's freaking undoing FIVE years worth of therapy in THREE months!! And I can't get him out of the house! The police wouldn't even arrest him! And where is he? He's sleeping it off, yet again, probably won't remember crap when he wakes up to go to work, other than the fact that he's pissed at me for something so he'll act like an ass... and did I mention he threw the girls' cats out last night? One of them came back, the other is missing, i have no clue what I'm going to tell them when they get home...I'm past sorry I met this man. I cannot leave, I have no money and there is no way in hell I'm going back to the DV shelter, I did that the first time and it was a nightmare...so I'm trapped with whoever the hell this crazy person is. I don't even know him anymore and frankly, I don't want to...
