The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, I have been doing this long distance relationship. We are in opposite time zones almost on opposite sides of the planet. We text sometimes, talk on the phone once very week or two, email rarely. We have been together, face to face only a couple of times and its great. But...we are not anywhere near each other 90% of the time. At this point, we have agreed to meet once every 3-4 months for one week.
We have also agreed that we are free to see other people which I have been doing, a little. An old flame is resurfacing, actually, someone I really loved once.
I have been asking myself: what is so great about all this? How is this good for me? How is this helping me and what is in this for me? What am I doing, really?
I find that I have creeping expectations with this man far away: like when we text once a day, I expect it to continue. When if doesn't, I feel bummed. When we talk once I week, I get used to it (its nice) and then when it doesn't happen, I feel bummed. I tried to set up an "appointment" to talk on the phone once a week, something we could put in our calendar. He thought it was a great idea but the first week we were supposed to do it, he blew it off.
When I feel bummed, I withdraw. Of course, then he reaches out and tries to connect!! I try to ignore him. You know the dance. He cajoles me back, I get cajoled back and everything is OK for awhile until the same pattern occurs where I try to reach out, he doesn't respond (he is really busy) and then I withdraw...its a game. Help me figure out what I am doing here with the withdrawing, etc. I know its my MO to just "disappear"- to either run away, hide or withdraw/drop out. It is apparently his MO to do the minimum then do damage control when the minimum isn't cutting it...
WHY DO I DO THIS? Can anyone relate and has anyone figured this out for themselves?
I just did a geographic and have not found a shrink yet but its on my list, will you shrink my head just a little in the interim??!!
I had a similar situation and at first I had to examine my motives so I would not do what I used to do before program which was fight or flight.
So I told my friend very lovingly how much I missed them, the talks, the texts, etc. but I listened to their response (I'm busy, I'm tired, I'm helping others and the kicker "it's tough to be popular").
Awareness and action helped me. I decided that I didn't want to accept being "fit in," or "leftovers" or be last on the list. It hasn't been easy as I let go and there are many days that I still miss them but this program has taught me that I am important enough, that I need to be first on my own list and hopefully on others that call me their friends.
love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I find that I have creeping expectations with this man far away: like when we text once a day, I expect it to continue. When if doesn't, I feel bummed. When we talk once I week, I get used to it (its nice) and then when it doesn't happen, I feel bummed. I tried to set up an "appointment" to talk on the phone once a week, something we could put in our calendar. He thought it was a great idea but the first week we were supposed to do it, he blew it off.
I'm going to ask you like my sponsor has so often asked me when I have old behaviors popping up. How was your conscious contact with your higher power when these behaviors started happening?
That's usually an eye opener for me.
We all recover at our own pace.
For me, I had to make a commitment to a lengthy period of time in order for my healing to continue, and walk through the intense feelings of discomfort that came with not having that distraction of a relationship or male friend to deter me from working on self.
I kept that commitment for four years, and when I was finally asked out on a date, if you can call it that, I went to my sponsor and talked to him about it first.
Yes, the gentleman was a very nice guy, sober and active in AA for two years, had a terrific sense of humor and treated me nicely.
I enjoyed myself, but at the end of of the day I was glad to walk into my house and he drove to his.
I had come to a point where I valued myself, and cherished my 'me' time. I had made progress! I had no expectations and went on about my business.
Then he started calling every day. Honestly, I started to feel smothered. Half the time there was nothing new to talk about, and I was usually interrupted from something I was doing when he called.
I've had maybe 3 dates since then, and nothing worked out, and that was fine with me.
Sometimes we have to test the waters and see if we are truly ready or not.
I had to go through a lot of phases during that four year commitment, and it was so worth it.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Let me preface this by saying I cannot even imagine going on a date or ever being in another relationship! But, in a fantasy state, I was having a conversation similar to this just last night while walking with my good friend. I told her that I "think" I would like someone to go out with and just have fun with; not to be a boyfriend, or come into my household or daily life or be a parent to my kids. While a good concept, truth is that any relationship is going to have to go somewhere and it seems as if having expectations becomes a natural part of it. Meaning, if he doesn't feel the same as me, it will hurt and cause disturbing feelings. If he likes me more, I will be stuck in the position of trying to stop it. In the very slight possibility we were on the same page, it could work, but what does that mean? The possibilities for complication well outweigh the possibitlity for just going out and having fun and leaving it at that.
From what you posted, it seems to be that by applying guidelines to your relationship you set yourself up for disppointment. Too bad you can't just call or text each other when you feel like it, and see each other when it when it works for both of you. Then, the relationship is more likely to grow or fizzle out without "rules".
It's great that you are examining your feelings and behaviors about the whole thing, but you may be sliding into dangerous territory trying to figure out what his motives are. Truth is, women and men are very different creatures in the way situations are interpreted.
Keep us posted, Jean! I am living vicariously through you...
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I think the come hither go away is a red flag personally. I have a very distant friendship at the moment which really isn't working. Letting go is difficult because I feel like I need other things to take its place. I can recognize when there are red flags today and acknowledge them.
Really it all depends on your expectations if they are low its probably safe enough. Personally I would not cross the road now for someone who blew me off but I'm pretty boundaried!
I would however continue a dialogue but I would not put in the effort and incredible build up a face to face long distance takes.
Yes, I know this, I tend to want the answers on my time, my way, and build up unreal expectations, do you enjoy the company of this man? Are you happy to meet up with him? If you want more this is ok too and he cannot reciprocate this is ok too, I wish you the best, you are handling it well and have every right to your feelings and emotions. Put the focus back on you,
This just doesn't sound like a relationship to me. I think you said it well - it's a dance. Of course, this makes me look at my own relationship with my AHsober who doesn't live here. Once a month doing something doesn't sound like much of a relationship after being married for over 30 years. It is for him because it is safe. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Thanks so much you guys. I think its pretty clear that he is unavailable on many levels. But then again, so am I. I do not like this dance. I am trying to see my part. I am reacting and that is not good. But I will get back on track here shortly.
I have tried to talk to him about it and asked if we could just be friends and he says things like: "that does not sound like us". I told him I thought he would make a really nice friend and he was sarcastic.
Yeah, this is getting well past the sell-by date, isnt it...
No benefit, just keeps my head a'spinnin' which feels all comfy like home...yuck. J.
Yeah, this is getting well past the sell-by date, isnt it...
Oh Jean, sometimes the things you say just hit me right and tickle my funny bone in a good way! I swear we were sisters in an alternate universe or something!
I'm writing that one down for future use; it's a classic!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
It sounds like low self-worth to me. I have been in a relationship like this before and I felt like I was bailing out by letting go of the relationship. Of course I was bailing out because it was not normal. I am still working on getting to know myself, so I am not dating at all. I used to rush into a relationship thinking it was my last chance. LOL What I didn't realize then was that I was putting myself in dangerous situations and wondered why. I learned to talk to someone for a long time before any physical contact because that always muddys the waters for me. I talked to a man for a couple years to get to know him and found out he would have been dangerous for me and he was very, very sick and he was not an A. I didn't listen to that inner voice that tells me something is very wrong. I was more concerned with finding someone than I was protecting myself and my child. I am listening more and more everyday to that inner voice instead of looking on the outside for my self-worth.
