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Need advice, so I thank you in advance. Have a family member (brother in law) who is an alcoholic. Actually several of them are. My husband is a Sober man- does not drink and helpless in this matter. His mother recently died & the brother of my husband is now homeless (actually in the next few days he will be). We will not house him. My husband is having to clean up the mess in the place where his mom lived when alive, due to the mess that the brother has done there. The family are not dealing with the insanity of this, instead just covering it up. my h usband and I have given names of rehabs, numbers, AA meetings schedules, etc, to this brother, who had asked for help at the funeral of thier mother. Now he says he is too busy for rehab, AA, so on. He looks to be near death at this point from lack of food and sleep. Soon he is homeless.
My question is what do we do at this point? Other than go to Al-anon which My husband is not too fond of, being he feels its thier problem not his, but where do we stand? What does one do? You care about the person and want to see them survive, but if they dont want it they dont want it.
Such a powerless and helpless feeling. Hard to not let this consume your mind. Really sad stuff.
(i am involved in another 12 step program, unrelated to alcohol or drugs, but I am aware of the steps, just not sure how to apply it in this situation, sorry)
What I learned was that what suggestion I initially rejected was what I should make an attempt on. What your husband rejects is the places, people and program that could change it all after first making the attempt to try it out with an open mind. Like his alcoholic brother rejecting AA or Rehab for the justifications he comes up with you and your husband are doing the same thing. Al-Anon has real solutions for those affected by someone elses alcoholism. You have to go to find out if this is true or not and like I mentioned it takes an open mind and no prejudgement.
What do you do at this point? Get with people who have been where you are at now and sit down and listen and keep going back for a while. In my case it was 90 days. There are other suggestions that worked for others.
Another first thing is get out of the way and trust God (always). Both were difficult initially for me because I was so self controlled and in that was my problem. I relied on myself, neither trusted others or God and became the problem myself. "My only problem is me and my only solution is God" is a truthful statement that I got from a recovering woman in program. If I go for solutions to my problems my life will get better and indeed it has by miles.
Keep reading these hundreds of posts also. Look for solutions.
step 1 you are powerless over alcohol and or the alcoholic , and your life has become unmanagble . You have given b i law what info he needs for recovery that is all u can do at the m oment . al anon meetings will help u both yeah drinking is his problem but he is making it yours , thus husb cleaning up mess of his brother . Dont believe his lies , don't cover up his mistakes , dont do for him what he should be doing for himself . Look after your own needs . love him but detach from the disease . goodl uck louise
Dear lady you have done all you can. It would be extremely hard on you and hubby to have him move in.
What I did was picture my very loved AH in my hps hands. It is totally up to him to pull himself up and out. You have encouraged him to rehab and AA. He has to do the rest. If anyone takes him in, it will only bring horror to that family or person. And it will also enable your bil to continue his using in comfort.
Being homeless and miserable may be just what he needs to get well. We will pray for that.
You can stop thinking of him and take care of you and your other loved ones. Face to face Meetings and MIP offer lots of help. Keep telling yourself the best thing you can do is nothing.
Well he asked for help and you gave it to him. I dealt with this with an active A (my ex boyfriend last year). He put all kinds of conditions on the help and its all on his terms. I had to walk away eventually. I have to say not the easiest thing in the world to do. Expect to be blamed! You will be.
MM, just a note to say that yes, it is such a very sad and powerless feeling- its so very much so. I just want you to know that I understand this so very well, too. Keep coming back, hugs, J.
Thanks all for your feedback. There is so much anger involved, which I know my husband has more = way more- of it than I do. I am just an "in law"... but he is effected way far more than I am, although I get touched by it too thru him. I find that this really destroys families. My mother in law who just died recently suffered most of her life b/c of her alcoholic children, and her alcoholic husband which she did divorce at a certain point. She spent her life chasing these alcoholics down, worrying, crying, taking care of, enabling mostly, and losing her own life due to the disease of taking care of others- mainly alcoholics. It is what brought her health down to her outcome. Now the rest of the family is without her to take care of the alcoholics and now it knocks on "our door" b/c they are running around unsure of everything.
Anyway- i thank you for all your help. I sure do need it. The fact that i am thinking of it this much shows its really bothering me and I am involved way more than i wanted to be. My husband thinks the alcoholism in his family's lives did not effect him but it has. The anger he has is uncontrollable and he just thinks thats normal.
Thanks for listening, as I ramble and speak in circles. Its a lonely feeling, thats all I can say coming from where I am.
(((Rosanna))) HUGS--- I read in your posts the concern you have for your A B/ILaw, but just as much for the effects your husband is experiencing. You see the effect and feel the effects first hand. You know and realize what this disease can not only do to the alcoholic but to the family and anyone it touches. Bless your mother-in-laws heart, alcoholism drove her to her grave. As sad as that is it does not have to happen to you or your husband.
I can tell your husband is a strong man. Lots of times strong men do not seek help because they feel they can handle their own problems. I was one of those men. The problem of alcoholism knocked me to my knees. Physically and literally. I asked my HP, who I call God, for help. I can honestly say He sent me to the doors of Al-Anon two years ago this next week. I will forever be grateful.
As has been stated above by members with many more years of experience, strength and hope than myself, (all of whom I have great respect), please consider their suggestion of attending F2F Al-Anon meetings. You will find the help and solutions you need when you walk through those doors. If you go your husband could follow. If he chooses not to attend you will still be worlds ahead of where you are because you will be given the tools of this program that will make your life and the people in your life much better. Go for yourself you deserve it. (((HUGS- AGAIN))) RLC
