The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I heard these words in a meeting. "The love I give is equal to the love I expect" Truer words were never spoken. I pull away from emotional intimacy with those who are closest to me. Because, I am ashamed of who I've been in the past. I'm ashamed of my continued self imposed islation from life because I'm afraid of failure and or of being judged. I have never felt good about myself. First because my mom made it clear that she didn't approve of me in any way shape or form and then as I grew older because I have continued to give away my ability to learn how to be ok with who I am because I've continued to look outside of myself for validation and or approval. Concentrating mostly on what I can do to make other people happy so they'll not abandon me. I'm always looking for security. I will only find it if I can overcome all this...
Well recently I've been entering into foreign territory that of learning how to take care of myself. I focus on me and my needs and my issues. I work on daily what do I need to do to get my needs met and how can I get traction on them. There are, of course, tons of needs that do not get met. I start with the physical, eat well, eat healthier, what do I need for the morning, what do I need to do to make my living space better, what projects do I need to attend to.
Of course I have to deal with other people too. I pay a lot of attention to how others treat me. If there is a "ew" in there I set distance. I stop trying to make people "respect, care and do things for me". I think thats pretty hard for a codependent. I do focus on the "ew" stuff. I really focus on it.
I also focus on what do I need in a companion, friend, make lists, look at them, focus on how are ways I can meet people who will be on that list.
No need to beat yourself up, turn inward work on this. You do not have to be codependent for ever.
Danette that is a very profound post of awareness and i congratulate you. I know what you mean, too. Looking outside of ourselves for validation, always. It is so hard coming from the family background (which i share with you) that we come from but here we are and we are adults and here to work on it all and shape it up! We have this incredible program to help us on our way to a more balanced and honest lifestyle. We got so distorted and now we are working to slowly align all that crookedness. We have a program! We have a ton of hope. hugs, J.
I think that is a feeling most of us here have. I, too, spent my life worrying about how other people saw me and how they felt about me. My mother and father were forever challenging any choices I wanted to make for myself by letting me know that I was stupid and always asking me why I wanted to do xyz. I always figured that they were right, they were the adults after all. Took me a long time to realize that those words were probably said out of fear and resentment. Fear that I actually may succeed in something they had never been able to do themselves and resentment that I actually had the tenacity to try something outside their comfort level. We spend so much of our lives trying to fit in, from elementary school right through high school, we look to others for validation and approval. It took me a long time to figure out that this was my life to live, my choices, right or wrong, to make and if someone didnt like them, well, that was ok...didnt mean it didnt often hurt, but I stood my ground, and will continue to do so. As long as I know at the end of the day that I did the best I could and did no harm to anyone else, who else really mattered?? We are not going to make everyone happy all the time, so we may as well make ourselves happy most of the time. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
