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Well, it had been over 2 weeks since I spoke with my ex who is currently sitting in rehab out in California. Today my 'moment of anger' subsided and I decided to call his room knowing that the chances of him answering the phone were slim. They are hardly ever in their room but once in a while one of his 'roommates' is there and I figured I'd just leave a message when someone answered to tell my ex I had called. Guess what, he answered! UGH. I was both happy and nervous. The excitement in his voice when he heard it was me on the line was incredible. My voice was probably shaking because I was shocked that he actually answered the phone. One of the greatest faults I have is not being able to stay angry. The moment i heard his voice it was like I was at peace. Probably because I know he is trying to work his steps and get 'better' plus knowing he is 'safe' helps tremendously.
We ended up having a good conversation. He sounded great and says he is making progress, slowly though. Thats fine as long as he is headed in the right direction. Apparently he doesnt think he will have to stay there for the full 6 months. Is that good or bad? I just dont know. It was my understanding that if he didnt stay there for 6 months that he'd be spending the balance of his time in county jail.
Some may say it was the wrong thing to do but all in all I'm glad I called there. It was nice to hear his voice and I felt better knowing he is doing ok. Tomorrow I may be angry with myself for calling him, but right now, at this very moment I'm happy I called. Dont get me wrong, I still think he's an idiot for doing what he did, but its his life not mine. He will have to pay the consequences for his actions.
He gave me the telephone number to his counsellor and asked me to call her because she felt it was important to talk to me knowing (from what he's told her I assume) that I'm having a hard time with all this.
Maybe tomorrow I'll call her, or perhaps the next day.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
hmmm dosent think he will have to stay for the six months ? I would say not good but just my opinion . I have no idea why HIS councelor would need to talk to you ( a friend ) about his recovery . but I guess u will find out tomorrow .I suspect he has expectations about your relationship . Louise
I know, 6 months in rehab seems like cake compared to what it could have been. We didnt get into why he thinks he won't be there for the 6 months, I'm sure that will eventually come out though. It may be for reasons out of his hands, who knows. I do know that although he isnt 'happy' there, he is ok. The rehab place is very strict and regimented (sp) and thats what he needs.
I'm not sure why his counsellor would want to talk to me. What does she care if sometimes I dont deal with his situation well? I'm not her "patient" or client, he is! I think maybe he did lead her to believe that I was more than just a friend. Maybe in his eyes I am. I dont know. What I do know is that he still has extremely strong feelings for me, but he knows my view about that. Unless he is completely clean for a very long time, there is no chance of our hearts "beating as one". Yes he still says "i love you" everytime he talks to me, but in my eyes thats just a friend sorta thing. And yes, he now does know that I am dating someone now and that I'm happy. And he says thats what is important to him. If one day comes and he has been sober for more months than you can count on your fingers and toes, and I'm not dating anyone, perhaps I would give it another try. Right now I cant think about that though. The main thing is that he gets his addiction under control and I move forward with my life.
Even though right now him and I are just friends, we are good friends, 'from a distance' as I put it. Prior to all this nonsense we werent only dating seriously, we became best friends. We had spoken numerous times about getting married when things were good, blah blah blah. Then when he crashed the time before this, I walked away from the 'relationship' because of the drinking, the lies and just because I couldnt deal with that anymore at such a close distance.
Honestly, if he didnt have a drug and alcohol addiction, we probably would have gotten married. I loved him THAT much. Due to his relapses though, I had to think more about me and my 3 children who would have been a part of the situation and I love myself and my kids wayyyyyy too much to put them into an unhealthy situation.
When I get the guts and courage to call the counsellor, I will. But that will have to wait until I am emotionally ready to make that call. Sometimes I need a few days to think things through. This is definately one of those times!
-- Edited by HEARTBROKEN IN NJ at 21:03, 2008-08-26
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I'm going to ask the question that comes into my mind here - please understand that I don't know what the answer to this question is, but it is one I think you might want to ask yourself honestly.
Is the "peace" and "feeling better" that you experienced on speaking to him that of serenity and acceptance, or was it more like that of an addict who has just had a hit?
Is the "peace" and "feeling better" that you experienced on speaking to him that of serenity and acceptance, or was it more like that of an addict who has just had a hit?
My feeling of being at "peace" and "feeling better", at the time I spoke with him, was definitely that of serenity and acceptance. However, I can't say that every time we speak I have the same feelings. Yesterday there was definitely an absense of hostility on my part and given our conversation and the path it took, signifies to me, that I am getting better at accepting his 'condition'. It could have been due in part to not speaking to him in several weeks. I dont know. Sometimes though when we speak, it isnt at all like that. Dont get me wrong, very often I am angry at the path that he had chosen, but not angry to the point of boiling over. Maybe disappointed is the better word to use.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I'm going to ask the question that comes into my mind here - please understand that I don't know what the answer to this question is, but it is one I think you might want to ask yourself honestly.
Is the "peace" and "feeling better" that you experienced on speaking to him that of serenity and acceptance, or was it more like that of an addict who has just had a hit?
Gosh, did this post hit the nail on the head for me!
I clearly remember more than one person addressing the codepency side of me when I was around 3 months into recovery for my chemical dependency issues, and I was just sure they didn't understand my situation, nor did I have codependency issues to address, or rather those issues would resolve on their own!
Even though I eventually learned to hang up on AH when he called with his manipulations, and went to no contact completely, I wore that wedding ring for another two years and drug my feet on a divorce.
It was my own sick way of hanging on in some way, if even just wearing the ring and stalling on the divorce, despite the fact that he had moved on to someone else.
It wasn't until he called me in a rage one day, threatening to cut my brake lines if I didn't get the divorce over and done with that I finally took legal action to dissolve the marriage. At that point, I knew how crazy he was and didn't doubt he'd make the 2 hour journey to where I lived and carry that out!
I still had a long way to go because I still refused to address my codependency issues for years, and repeated the same mistake over and over with my broken man picker.
Even though I finally got serious with my recovery in Alanon 9 years ago, made a conscious decision to stay out of relationships, and throw myself into my own personal recovery, I now see the same pattern of codependency and broken man-pickers in my 20 year old AD.
Today I have no doubt I qualify for Alanon, am not unique, and am so grateful for the tools that I have been given to help with my journey in self-discovery.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
The only thing I can think of the reason the councellor might want to talk to you, is to get an idea of his support system? Tim & I met with a councellor when he first went into rehab. Tim wanted to make sure that I was ready to take this on. It was a way to address concerns he had. Whenever I went to visit him on Sundays I first had to go for an hour and half meeting with the Alanon councellor where we watched the same film they did. It was a way to prep us for what they were going through as well as telling us that we had work to do of our own. I only wish that they had made Alanon mandatory for us (like 90 in 90) because I was very naive. I came to Alanon 1 year later, after he relapsed. Better late than never.
As for him not thinking that he has to stay there for 6 months. Sounds like he's still in denial about some things. That's his issue to deal with. Let him deal with it. There's a whole lotta of "stuff" going on with him. His recovery is up to him.
Don't beat yourself up for calling him. You did what you did because you wanted to. Now move on. I don't think you have to second guess yourself everytime you do something. You'll only drive yourself crazy. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 09:04, 2008-08-27
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I've decided that today is not the day I'm going to call his counsellor. I dont know if its because I'm afraid of what she is going to tell me or what but I decided that another day would be better for me.
I'm sure there's a lot going on with him and not sure how much his counsellor will fill me in on and quite honestly I'm not sure I want to know
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
