The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After yesterday's fiasco, where I really though AHsober would drink and caught him in a lie, (he didn't appear to have drank btw), I came to the realization that I am totally not cut out to be the wife of an alcoholic. I always thought I could handle whatever came my way in life, and I have handled alot of things, trust me, but these last couple of years dealing with his disease has taken a toll on me. Yes, I have gone to Alanon for a few years, and yes, for the most part I work my program, and work it well (at least I think I do), but it is soooo easy to get caught back up in the insanity of it all. It just happens, and then I'm like "whoa .... get a grip and get back to the program Terri". But I don't even want to get caught up in all this drama or insanity anymore. I want my HP to deal with it for me, let it be in his hands, so that I may finally be free of this disease. But I guess HP can only do so much, the rest is up to me. I guess I'm just really bummed today cause I can deal with life's peaks and valleys, take the good with the bad, accept things for what they are and hope for the best, but I cannot take even one more day of dealing with a sober alcoholic who is so full of "ism's" and is itching to drink that he's trying to pick fights, twists everything to blame me (for checking up on him and catching him in a lie), the whole selfishness thing and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I need alcoholism out of my life for good, and I pray to HP that it happens now (and I know it only happens when HE wants it to happen). Alcoholism is such a powerful disease, especially for the spouses and families of the alcoholics, that I don't understand how even working a program can keep someone serene while living with one. I've tried, it hasn't worked. Thanks for listening and letting me vent and share.
I empathize with you. I never liked that groveling down at my bottom either. There wasn't another country I could go to or planet for that matter to escape my powerlessness, I know I tried asking for one. I got sent to Al-Anon and and found the escape there. Mine wasn't the only alcoholic so I was to meet more both wet and dry and that resulted in the same gratitude, "I'm glad for the spiritual haven of Al-Anon."
I didn't have to grovel as there are so many solutions to the problem. Some for me are physical detachment, mental detachment, emotional detachment and spiritual detachment. I don't need anyone's permission to go find peace of mind and serenity especially the alcoholic. Page 13 of the ODAT was my wake up call.
Go on a vacation, maybe one with a convention available.
There's no shame in being someone who can't deal being with an alcoholic spouse/significant other. I couldn't do it either, and don't regret the decision one bit.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
(((((Terri))))) I couldnt have said it better myself! I have been working my program, and now I am finally working on a plan b. My goal is to get out, as peacefully, calmly and quickly as possible. I foolishly thought that I could handle this lifestyle, but even with detachment, its always there. I, too, am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always watching and waiting, seeing or just imagining seeing, but for me it is enough. I cant sit here and wait for things to get better for me, I have to make them better. I am not married to my A, but we do live together and have merged both our lives as well as our finances, and its gonna take me some time, seems whenever I get a dollar saved, I need two dollars for something else. I know for me, it will come to an end, and that is what keeps me going...I now have this goal and I am aiming for it...may take me a while, but I will get there! Keep taking care of you, and remember to always do what is best for YOU and no one else! seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Terri, your post could have been mine. I could not do it either. It was a red-letter day when I realized that I had limits and one of them was that I could not live with an A. I remember the day well. I told him, flat out. It was OVER, I would never be able to live with him again. That was day one of my divorce.
It is good to know myself well enough and love my self enough to make good choices about what I can and cannot live with.
I will always have alcoholics around me. All over the place, they are. But I do not need to live with one or worse yet, be married to one. Hugs, J.
It's all about remembering that we actually have choices, isn't it?? I forgot that somewhere along the line with my AH. It was an "a-ha" moment for me in my own recovery when I realized that I didn't "have" to do anything. That it was up to me (and my HP) to choose the path that I would follow.
BTW, I have seen Al-Anons living with an active A who are able to live "happy, joyous and free." I don't know if I could do it though (and I don't want to try)!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Well put Queenie. My AHsober has been sober for over 20 years. This is worse thatn any drunks I went thru with him. He left but I still have to deal with the "isms". Mostly him threatening divorce. Hate it. I think that I have put up with so much over the years that I become very numb. Not even realizing it. But I too think that I am not cut out to be married to an alcoholic. I think that I am very tired.
Queenie, I think most of us can relate. I always was amazed when people would say that they were able to live with an A partner. If the only way to do it is detachment, then why stay? If I am with someone it is to have a loving bond with them, and how can you have that under so much stress and resentment. I can't seperate the disease from the person. To me the two have melted into one. At our best my AH and I live detached from one another in the same house, he hasn't drank that particular day and it hasn't been that long since his last drink so he is not feeling the anxiety of his short abstinence. We talk about the kids and their problems and he is civil. These moments of calm before the next storm are void of emotion, love, or what most would describe as companionship. We rarely do anything together, or show effection towards one another. It is a terrible way to live. We do still go on vacations as a family and he stays clean that week and are able to enjoy that one brief moment. But soon enough we are in the middle of his destructive choices again. I guess we all need those brief moments, even on the battle field the shelling has to stop momentarily just to allow us to catch our breath. I'm not cut out for this either. I just hope like you that I could get out sooner rather than later!
Let me ask you this: if he had never been an alcoholic, would you have put up with the relationship this long? Would you have accepted his behavior? I'm not suggesting you leave. I am suggesting that you might want to ask yourself these questions. Quality of life, your life should be your number one priority.
Now I was blessed in the fact that I knew my Tim long before his disease became full blown. Even after he drank and then got sober, I was one of the lucky ones. He was the same gentle, loving man I fell in love with 20 years ago. When he drank he could be challenging. But I was no peach in the beginning either. I did tell him to leave at one point. I couldn't stand the chaos. When he came back sober, sure things were difficult. But not for one moment, did I ever consider leaving him. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an alcoholic one are very different.
If he had been sober for 20 years and his behavior had been nasty, miserable, etc, I know I would have left long ago. I don't put up with that kind of behavior from friends or family, why would I put up with it from my husband, my life partner? Do I really want to spend my life with someone who is miserable all the time? Not for me, thank you.
Perhaps some hard questions need to be asked of yourself? You don't have to find the answers right now. They will come to you when you are most ready to receive them. But it sounds like you are on journey to find some answers. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Karilynn (& Pipers), I remember reading several of your other posts, which inspired me to write my first post here. I wanted to feel the compassion and love you felt for your husband (sorry for your loss). My AH was sober for over 15 years, and when he was sober, he was a loving, gentle, kind, generous, wonderful husband and father. Even when he relapsed several years ago, he was the same kind of man. It's just been this past year or two that's been horrible. He was the love of my life and I remember that kind, gentle man, the man I truly loved so much. That's what makes this so hard, that's why it bothers me to feel this way, but it is the way I feel. He's not the sober husband I had for many years, it seems he's just sober. My AH is also very sick (alcohol related issues) and hopefully now that he's sober, his health will improve and he will live past the few years he was originally diagnosed with. But for some reason, none of that is mattering to me. But thank you for your post and the questions you suggested I ask myself. I know the answers will come when I'm ready. Thanks for reminding me of that. And thanks to all of you who listen and/or respond to me. You have no idea how much better it makes me feel. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Well I am single on my own and really struggling. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this life either! I know being in al anon the past year and having a great sponsor who is willing to hear anything I throw at her has helped me to learn that I'm not going to look for or engineer rescue either.
I can say living with an active alcoholic was really hard, very very very difficult, frustrating, totally enveloping. At the same time starting over is not that easy.
If you make a plan be that might give you an idea what you may have to deal with. I think a plan be is a reality check. I know I really did imagine one year on that I would be at a whole different place that I am now.
I wasn't cut out to be the wife of an A either. Getting out is what was right for me. And x has been sober since I left and even though he's working the program I know I still couldn't live with him. He admits he wronged me and he's made his amends but he still is not the man I fell in love with 22 yrs before. Everyone is different in what they can live with and you'll know one day what is right for you.
If you're like me you want to crawl out of your skin for just one day and have a "normal" day. I still have a day or two like that now but leaving my AH was the best for me and I don't regret it for a minute. FTF meetings saved me!
Take an hour for yourself and do something that brings you peace. No one else is going to do it for you and you're worth it!
