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I think my AHsober has been showing signs of stinkin thinkin lately, and I know a relapse is on the horizon. In fact, I am willing to bet it is gonna be today, and I'm not sure how to handle the situation when it does happen. His relapse is not the part that getting to me, it's how to handle that relapse. See, AHsober has severe liver disease and almost died just over 6 weeks ago. When he got out of the hospital is when he went to inpatient rehab. But more importantly, in the beginning of July, while he was on a 3 month bender (daily drunkeness from sunup to sunup), we had a big argument where he almost became physically abusive and the police had to get involved. I was actually frightened of him. After that, I got him out of our house, where he slept in his truck, etc. and continued to drink until he almost died. I have an order against him barring him for drinking or being intoxicated in our home. Anyway, he knows if he ever drinks again, he will have to leave for good. He knows this sober, but when he does relapse, boy, he will not understand it if I call the police. I would absolutely hate to do that to him, but under no circumstances will I live like I did. And once he starts drinking, it doesn't stop after one day, it goes on for months at a time. This weekend he was telling me he is sick of going to all those meetings, he works all day then goes to the meetings and it's a 14 hour day (first sign of relapse!). This morning he is in a golf tournament where there is drinking by everyone. He tells me this morning he is going to a morning meeting, tells me where it is, and says then he won't have to go tonite. OK, I don't believe him (but I don't say anything), so I check online (I know, I know, buy hey), and the meeting is TONITE!!! So where was he this morning???? I also noticed that the alcohol free mouthwash from our bathroom is missing. AH never uses mouthwash other than when he brushes his teeth unless he is drinking. Last night he was telling me about a friend of his who is a very heavy drinker and called him and left vm's for him on his phone, so last night he called him back and told the guy he would come over there cause the guy was depressed, etc. The friend told him it was OK, he didn't have to so AH supposedly went to a meeting. OK, I check the cell phone records today (I know, I know), no calls to voice mail and no calls to friend or from friend. In fact, the only calls on his cell phone are to my cell and home. But according to him, he has been calling his AA friends, this friend, etc. - another lie! I'm thinking he has a pre-paid cell to do his bad phone calls from, so he looks like he's doing good. Since he has been lying to me for years, and since I truly don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, and since he is continuing to lie, how do I handle this without coming across as accusatory? I can't just sit back and pretend everything is OK, and I don't want to live my life with someone I can't trust. But since he has gotten out of rehab, I can never bring up anything from the past, anything that bothers me, nothing. It all has to appear good, and I'm really getting sick of it. It's not even like I love him anymore. I was willing to give it another shot if he was honest, but he's not. Even last night, when he kissed me, it was different. I said, where'd you get that move from? Right away he says I'm accusing him of cheating. I didn't, but if the shoe fits .... As far as I know, he's never cheated on me, but hey, if he lies about everything else from phone calls to AA meetings, to whatever, how can I believe him and how can I have a marriage based on that. I'm at a standstill cause I just don't want to live like this any longer, yet I don't want to come across as accusatory and it all gets twisted and blamed on me (and we all know it will). Please, any help you can give is appreciated.
Anyway, he knows if he ever drinks again, he will have to leave for good. He knows this sober, but when he does relapse, boy, he will not understand it if I call the police.
It sounds to me like your boundaries are in place. Trying to make an A understand was a futile proposition for me.
I don't like confrontational situations or having someone angry at me.
However, I have often gotten myself into quite a mess by avoiding that instead of just facing it and getting it over with.
My oldest has anger issues. She uses that to brow beat the ex when it comes to visitation with her kids (he has custody).
Sadly, due to his 'avoid confrontations at all costs' mentality, my grandchildren have suffered the consequences.
I've gotten pretty good at distancing myself when the youngest AD gets angry. I won't tiptoe around to avoid her wrath. I got tired of living that way.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I used to check the A's voice mail and totally monitor his life. I'm not sure it did anything but totally drive me insane.
Sometimes we have to live in today. If you have set up all this stuff for the A about what will happen he's a big boy and can deal with it. The issue is all your day is focused on him and not you.
What about you?
Do you have a life?
Can you have one?
I know what it is to be consumed, absolutely totally focused on another. Now I have had to fix to be focused on me?
Do you have a plan be? If not why not?
Planning a plan be can take time, no time to check the voice mail, no time to worry and obsess. Get it primed, get it ready, hope you don't have to use it.
I make a habit these days of having a plan be for everything, every single thing.
I think making a plan be is a wonderful process.
Who knows if the A can or will drink. None of us can control that. Remember the Three C's.
If he is so tired how come he has time to golf and play? If I am tired I'm in bed!
I am tired a lot. I have to do a great deal because living with a A stripped me of everything, every single thing!
I would personally not count on the police to bail me out Sometimes they can be helpful sometimes they are not. Certainly I would say they do not like to come to the same address repeatedly.
Marsie, I'm not making excuses here for my snooping, really I'm not. I've learned to let go and let God and detach. The thing is I totally do not trust him, and after the incident in July, I do not want that in my life any longer. I do have a court order against him that says he can't drink or be intoxicated in the home, if he is I call the police and they arrest him for violating that order. That is something I hoped I would not have to do. And since I am giving him and our marriage another chance, which I did not want to do at all, I loved being without him all those weeks, I do not want to be played for a fool. I do not want a husband that lies to me, and it appears that is exactly what I'm getting. That is the reason I don't know what to do. You know when your gut tells you something, my gut is telling me this, yet he's itching for an excuse to drink, and he very well may be drinking already just under the radar, and I just don't know how to bring it up that I know he's lying to me. Should I really sit still, keep quiet and never bring it up, let him continue his lying and we just go about "playing happily married"? I can't do that. This is actually making me physically ill today.
I don't think you have to pretend everything is fine and play the happily married game. I just quit taking all his lies and pretending to believe them. I didn't argue, and he could get peeved if he chose to. I didn't accuse him of anything either, I just told him that history shows me he is untrustworthyand his actions don't match his words, no arguement. I would give him nothing else. A simple "I don't believe you" and "don't tell me, SHOW ME that something has changed" worked well for me. I would not even bother to tell him why I didn't believe him. He already knew, why argue? Even if you can't tell him that you don't believe him, you can believe your own instinct.
I felt terrible when I constantly second guessed myself, then some people on this board told me to look at his actions for the truth. When I did that, I didn't have to be unsure, I could call a spade a spade and get on with my plan B.
So it sounds like you have in mind what you want. Now you just have to decide if what you are getting is enough and go from there. I know how it feels to live with someone who lies everytime he opens his mouth. It is a real challenge to say the least, but it was a great opportunity for me to learn how to trust myself, regardless of what I was getting from outside me.
Really I think you are doing great. With help from your HP, this too shall pass.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
And since I am giving him and our marriage another chance, which I did not want to do at all, I loved being without him all those weeks....
Queenie - What are you staying FOR? A marriage that is full of distrust, anger, and apathy doesn't sound appealing or healthy. I pray that you can either find serenity with what you can't change, or find strength to change what you can (yourself and your situation). It's all up to you. He's gonna do what he's gonna do.
I made a crisis out of every day living with an A. I made myself physically ill, worrying.
If you are convinced the A is drinking you can make a plan be and have it ready. Then when and if you get proof you can execute it.
I had tons of proof for years the A was using, I'm not sure it did me much good, I just got myself totally overinvolved with him and his issues. I needed to take care of me.
I thought my whole world revolved around him, it never did. I was mistaken.
My life is about me and my issues and he was always peripheral to it. Even when the A was using I could find relief by going to the chat room, chatting, thinking about something else, doing things for me.
I had a restraining order against the A, I wrapped myself up in all that and I still did not take care of me.
I'm not shoulda coulda woulda saying what you should could or would do. The issue is that you are making yourself ill. You can de-tach. You can decide today not to over involve yourself and take care of you. You are worthy of peace, love and kindness why not give some to yourself.
I actually found doing the absolute opposite helped me with the A. I stopped asking, I stopped needing to know. I stopped wanting to know. I did that one day at a time. I hold to it. I do not know where the A is, I do not know what he does, I do not know. I make a point of not knowing. That is my antidote to the person I was who did look at the cell phone record, who did look up stuff, who did all that stuff and still made myself ill with it (I'm certainly not judging you for doing it - I did it for years). The issue is I had to stop because I made myself totally ill from doing it. What the A did or didn't do is now no longer my concern my concern is me and my life.
I had to stop doing what I was doing to take care of me. The issue was not how could I make the A "stop" but that I stopped doing things that made me ill.
I never could do anything to make the A "stop" at all. I admited my powerlessness and stopped and took care of me which meant stopping obsessing and stopping snooping and stopping looking because I had absolutely no control over him anyways.
I agree with what Round said. You don't have to have evidence or proof. Your unhappiness and distrust are plenty motivation for you to leave. You don't want to be married anymore then take the next steps to not be married anymore. You sound like you know what you want, and how to get it.
You all are so right, I know what I want, and I know how to get it, it's dealing with AH to do it that's so hard. I had peace and serenity while he was away for several weeks, if only it could have just stayed that way. I really thought that even though I didn't want to give our marriage another try, that maybe, in time, we could get back those feelings and have the marriage that I had for over 14 years. But he is not making any effort, he is not in recovery, even though he goes to meetings every night, he is only sober. And I think what bothers me more than him relapsing is the lying and me putting up with it. I used to always tell my kids, I can deal with almost anything, but I can't deal with a liar. And the fact that I have to pretent that everything's OK, that at night when he wants to hold me, I have to let him (cause it's what we always did). I really thank you all for listening and sharing, but I think tonite, I have to sit still, listen to the wind, and the answer will come. I never does come when I go looking for it. I'm also putting it in God's hands. He'll do what's right, and if not what I think is right, it will be what it's supposed to be.
He knows this sober, but when he does relapse, boy, he will not understand it if I call the police. I would absolutely hate to do that to him, but under no circumstances will I live like I did. ____________________________________________________________________________
My sober AH will be moving back in our home after three years of separation. One of my boundaries is that he will have to leave if he drinks (in any amount) because I know from past behavior that I cannot trust him not to physically hurt me when he is drinking. It is not an ultimatum, nor is it manipulation. It is what it is. If he picks up, that is his choice. My choice is to take care of myself, no matter what and no matter how much I love him or what it might do to him. I know what he has done to me in the past and I will not go through that again.
It sounds as though you already know the answer to your question. Remember to breathe, take it one day at a time, and keep the focus on YOU!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I agree with you that he is only sober. He still wants to be in denial of his old deeds. In recovery, you work through it, deal with what made you that way and try to make things right with the people you've hurt.
Obviously, the focus isn't supposed to be on him but we also can't ignore what is happening or what you suspect. Focusing on ourselves surely doesn't mean we put up with getting lied to and deceived. It means we take care of ourselves the best way we can under whatever circumstances. We do what we need to do. If it's leaving a marriage then it is what it is.
You may not need to confront him with your suspicions. You aren't happy and that's the bottom line.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
you want him to stop doing the same 'ol things... not to drink, not to lie... do you expect him to live up to that?
can you surrender? what use is worrying about whether he will or he won't? how much anxiety are you going to create by 'predicting the future'? how much stress, time, and effort does it take for you to snoop his phone or keep any other kinds of tabs on his life? His life? His life?
What does queenie want to do?
What are queenie's goals, hopes, dreams?
step 1
I am powerless over alcohol (and/or other people) and my life has become unmanageable.
trying to control the uncontrollable is a hard lesson of insanity
keep working your program... Higher Power will show you the way!!!
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I have to say I used to torture myself about the A's lying and deceiving and using and then asking me for help. I tortured myself and was far more angry at myself for this than I ever was at him. I stayed stuck in the pit of self hate and self reproach for a long time. Then I started to work the steps and take on a few tools like a plan be. I didn't make a great plan be, in fact it was pretty rudimentary but I used to come here and talk about it. I encountered great patience, compassion and love here when I was struggling out of that pit. I do still go there some times but nothing like I used to.
I can certainly understand how I got there, there were multiple factors involved. These days I spend almost all my time trying to work out and work on taking better care of myself because that is something I completely lost sight of when I was in that pit.
Queenie, YOu know what you want. And, it doesn't sound like being in this marriage is one of them. You can't live looking back and hoping for the past that was good, that doesn't exist anymore. I tell myself that all the time. If I could I would turn back the clock and bring back the man he once was, but that is as impossible as trying to make him stop drinking. If nothing else give yourself some time, tell your AH you both need time to recover and you can't do it under the same roof. If you were able to get him out once you can do it again. I sometimes wish that I had the money to hire a private eye that could follow him so I could confront him with his lies. Then I realize that would not accomplish anything, it wouldn't stop the lieing or the drinking. To be an alcoholic is to be a liar the two go hand in hand. It sounds like guilt is playing a part in your decision making, that doesn't go away completely but you have to keep telling yourself, that there is nothing you can do to make him a better person. But, there is something you can do to make yourself better, and you need peace of mind to accomplish that.
