The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a lot going on right now and I am trying to keep my program close to me. I am disappointed with a few things in my life right now and feel a bit unsettled about it. I am trying to avoid my normal tendency of getting anxious. I hate the physical side...I get this uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach...
My oldest daughter will be starting Kindergarten on Wednesday. I will be returning to work from maternity leave the following Tuesday and putting my baby into a new daycare that day as well. I am starting a new job because of a lay off during my maternity leave. Will be relying on my mother (one of my qualifiers) for my Kindergartener's school drop off and pick up because my boyfriend (other qualifier and father to my girls) is in jail finishing a sentence on his most recent dui. I hate relying on anyone other than myself, but these two people in particular have so much baggage with them it just feels really dissappointing.
I have really good things going on in my life at the same time. I love my girls so much. They are both so amazing. I am proud that I got a new job so quickly and figured out the girls daycare and schooling even though it is not ideal, but tonight I can't shake this feeling of disappointment and wishing things were different. In particular wishing I lived in a better neighborhood, by better schools, in a safer city.
Thanks to this program, I know this too shall pass. I also know I am doing the best I can under the circumstsances.
Well, I don't get it either. It just is. Sometimes we just have to take the only help available until something or someone better comes up. I am told that arguing with reality is what causes the pain and agony. I guess with our program we can meet our challenges with maturity and grace. All the best.
Accepting help is so hard. I am finding that out right now. I have always been the independent one. I can stand on my own two feet. Well with my Tim now gone, I am finding that it isn't so. Friends have been very generous with sending me checks to help me. Other friends have come over and taken me places. The neighbor has helped me with giving Pipers her meds. One paid for Pipers' vet bill.
It's easy to accept the emotional support. A kind word, a hug, a joke when things are hard. The financial aspect comes hard. A part of me is embarrassed by it. Finances have always gotten to me. But without their help, I couldn't make it right now.
Tim always reminded me of two things: REALITY and ACCEPTANCE. The reality of the situation is that for now, I am hurting financially. I am slowly coming out of that. However I won't feel comfortable until I pay back my girlfriend. That's going to take a bit of time. The acceptance part of it is that without their generosity I wouldn't be here. Piper wouldn't be alive. I am a proud, strong woman who is going through a very rough time right now. (Hard to believe it's a month already since he passed.) I need not only the emotional but the financial support of my friends. There will come a time (fingers crossed) that they won't have to help with the finances. That I will be able to take the money they have sent me, and eventually set up some kind of animal fund in memory of my beloved Tim. There's the acceptance part.
For now, take a deep breath. It is what it is. We have to do what we must in order to survive. Allow them to help you. You may find an alternative to using them some where down the road. Congratulations on finding a new job! Well done. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Sounds like you are in the anger/denial/barganing/ part of the grieving process. I feel that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach too, when I am there. Funny how sometimes you get something to work out ok, and it still feels like that.
For me, its when I am just not REAL comfortable with how I have had to work things, rely on others, etc. So what am I grieving? Probably a loss of independence. But sometimes being independent just means making a concious decision to ask for help, not just expecting/allowing/manipulating others to help. Independence is taking responsibility for my actions even if it means making a decision to do something that I really would rather do differently.
Anyway I'm glad things are working out for you. Congrats on the new job.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Trust yourself that you are doing the best you can. What got me in so much trouble was thinking that I just "had" to know all the right answers, do the right things, had to be perfect... for me, I needed to trust HP and get away from the isolated thinking... I had to ask for help with big decisions... my thinking had become distorted, and I didn't know it. It was such a relief to start putting my feelings and issues on the table, whether it was here or at a face to face.
The great thing about kids... as long as they get that love that can't be faked, they are going to flourish.
Big picture changes take time... it starts with small changes...
Keep taking care of you!!! with love and hope, cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
every thing you said are very valid points...and it would be normal to have anxiety over these things. Children are precious beings, and as parents, we all want whats best for them. Have faith in your self that you are doing the very best for them the best way you know how.
Can you make a plan be. Its always good to have a back up. I try to work on the plan be even before I go to the plan A. What if your mother is not available, any back up plans.
When I lived with an A I did a plan be all the time and had a hard time with it. Now I have a plan be at the disposal all the time and try to flow to it and then deal with the issues later on.
You should be proud of yourself accomplishing so much!
Are you a relentless pusher of stuff? I can be. I try now to have a daily list which I work on all the time. What can be done. What's reasonable? What's the drop dead date? Can I up and down the list? I need some downtime sometimes. I try to be able to move with what's going on. I get ahead with certain tasks like laundry so I have more flexibility on other tasks. I shop ahead for the dog food and more so I am not "stuck".
I have found it hard to get "there". I really wanted someone dysfunctional to step in. They didn't or like you have suggested they came with such baggage that I wondered if it were worth it. I struggle with that a lot.
I know you are in the right place and doing great!
