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HI IVE BEEN AWAY AWHILE the bad news is my ah got pancreantitis, the good news is my ah got pancreantitis. guess from what.? he has stopped drinkig cold turkey 3 weeks . hopefully this is his rock bottm. the dr said if he drinks he will die. he got sick the night after i was ready to go to a lawyer and stop the insanity. its like GOD OR THE POWERS THAT BE SAID "ENOUGH" WELL, the reason im writing and wanted to ask everyones opinion on a very disturbing matter. before we got married around 20 years ago my ah had a sexual relationship with his first cousin, he told me this after we married or i would have ran for my life. he hid alot. i am a vey moral person with very strong ethics , sometimes too strong. well i forgot about it, and back then i made it clear that he was disgustig and she was even more so. the other day she called out of the blue, and he, instead of respecing me, my home and his children actually spoke o her. dont get me wrong i dont care that he spoke to her , not at this point in my marriage ,he lost my respect a long time ago but that he did it out of my home. am i over reacting???????????????????????????????????? evrything was so peaceful after he came back from hospital, now i told him if he went back to hospital i would never go see him there again, he would be on his own. i am not at all angry with her she has no loyalty to me but he does. please help me figure out what i should do. his lack of respect has gone on for 20 years in many areas of our life., partly i think beacause of the booze. i even went out to purchase a trailer so we could go camping and i was so pissed and hurt that i went and ripped out the pop out canvas. it so true that depresion is anger turned inward. i m so angry that i went to see him twice every single day he was in hospital and so angry at myself for always hopeing in vain. i hope i get some advice from all you great people, im so mad i could spit, thanks sooooo much in advance.
you have obviously made your feelings known -- can you trust him enough to do whatever he is going to do?
as far as thinking of "how disgusting" it was... perhaps, you could see it from many other peoples perspective or cultures that don't have such stigma attached.
i work the program to keep my side of the street clean... and, even with how conscious and hard i work on me, anyone can point out a little dirt on my street.
"he lost my respect a long time ago"
how could this ever be a healthy relationship.
keep coming back, keep working on you, ((hugs))
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
SOSAD - you sound like you're drowning in your anger - at the encounter with his cousin 20 years ago, at the booze, at the phone call...and perhaps that you've hung in there for 20 years. You've stayed 20 years for something. What was it? The hopes that he would somehow be different than he is? That's a lot of patience. What have you done for yourself during these 20 years? Anger can destroy you. For yourself, you must find a way to forgive, detach, and/or let go of him. He is who he is. What are you going to do for you?
(((SOSAD))) I responded to your earlier post on June 18th. I just went back and read your post and all the members reponse to your post. Five or six members shared their ESP and you responsed to each one. They all shared some good ESH, lots of them with years of experience. I have much respect for all of them. You might want to re-visit it yourself.
Your last response in that post was back to me, you stated that you were not that worried about yourself as much as the children because they did not deserve to have to live that way. I agree. What I have found in this program is I have to take care of myself, not only take care of myself but do it first. If I do not take care of myself I can not take care of anyone else. It is the oxygen mask on the airplane theory, always put the mask on yourself first. The Al-Anon program puts the emphases on you for that very reason. I was a fixer and controler, and if I could not do either or both I would be just like you. I would get so mad I could just spit.
I got tired of getting mad and spitting and one day I went to a f2f Al-Anon meeting, that was two years ago. Since that first meeting I continue to attend two meetings each week. Why do I go to meetings twice a week? I go for my serenity. I go because it has made me a better person. I go hopefully to help others with my ESP. I go to hear other members share and I learn from their ESP. I go because I have found people who truly care and are willing to help me anyway they can, and they know I feel the same. I go because I found another family and that is important to me. It has changed my life and it can do the same for you.
Do I still get mad and spit? Yes. But, not near a much as I used to, and when I do I use the tools I learned in this program to get me back on track. The same thing can happen to you. The program is free and the doors are always open to everyone.
Please consider going to f2f meetings on a regular basic. Do it for you and your children.
Type in "First F2F Al-Anon Meeting" in "Search" at the top of this page and read what others have said after attending their first meeting. And remember someone once said. "Go to six Al-Anon meetings and if you do not like them we will gladly refund your misery" LOL (((HUGS))) RLC
hi cj yes you are right, im not perfect. i have done manythings i am not proud of,but i do respect people always and if i cant respect the i stay away and i expect the same. im from an italian culture where this is taboo and he is from the same. i dont mind if he wants to see her or anything believe me. just that he could have shown some respect for me,and yes its not any kind of a relaionship healthy or other wise. i stayed for the children and i know it sounds like a cop out, it may very well be but i see they ache in their nlittle souls when i tell them we have to leave dad for my sanity, and to live a happy life. he opologized today suspecting my daughter asked him too. i dont love him any more not sure i ever did got married too quickly. i pitty him and feel sorry forhim now that he has ruined his pancreas and thats nowway to live with someone. thanks soo muc for responding , you really made me think. thanks friend
hi r3 i stayed beacause i hd 4 kids with him, no other family here to support me. suffered throug alot and havnt done much for myself ever. thanks for rsponding my friend
I was absolutely livid at the A for the last 5 years of the relationship That rage certainly took its toll on me. I was pretty immobilized by it. I became obsessed with him and his relaitonships and what he did. Now I am not.
I can't tell you how I did in step by step phases but one thing i did was to detach. Remember the three C's.
I think its good your A is not drinking.
Now how about you. how is your self care. Are you eating right, taking vitamins. How are you taking care of you. The focus has to be on you and only you.
Whatever he does he does. He may get well he may not. Personally I know people with pancreatitis who stopped and I know those who did not stop too. I tend to not know the people who didn't stop these days but I know both. There is absolutely no guarantee to sobriety! None.
In fact many people in al anon state that they have huge huge issues with an alcoholic who is sober. So we do have to take care of ourselves.
We can totally drive ourselves into the ground and get very very ill from being codependent. Believe me I've been there.
Can you work on detaching? How about not going to see the A for a day? Make that your day a day to take care of you. Let him be in the hospital. He's got people to take care of him what about you?
Do you go to meetings, there are meetings here twice a day. When I first came here years ago I would go to the chat room and just cry. I felt held. Do you reach out do you let people know you are in such pain?
I don't have any comment about the cousin. A's lead complicated lives. I've had my own very complicated life. My 4th step is all about making it uncomplicated.
We have no control over anyone, I barely have control over me. I no longer, wish, long for, want, need or think about changing anyone. I think about me and what I need and how I am going to get it because thinking about me was the last thing on the agenda for years for me.
So Sad, I wrote about my anger, and how to channel it better, because I realize that it is taking over other areas of my life. Regardless of how you felt initially about the cousin or feel about it now I think it is more about you putting up with so much and now this too! I can't imagine staying for so long under those circumstances, but then again I sit in similar situation wanting to get out. Only a catistrophic insident would change things for me like you. Don't feel sorry for him, I'm sure he's done enough self pitying for the both of you. I've notice that about As they feel an infinite amount of sorrow for themselves and how the world is against them, and they drink. Don't feel bad if you choose to leave, his drinking wasn't your fault. The only part you played was the ability to endure next to him and not think of your own happiness. olg1213
