The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
To a drunk, stumbling 20 year old AD in the kitchen looking for something to eat. She kept her back turned and I went to the bathroom, and crawled back into bed with my heart hurting.
When I got up later this morning, I had this profound sense of loneliness, realizing once again that my family of origin has made the choice to not get well over the years.
This is my first time being painted into a corner where I am living with an AD.
I had the luxury of booting the oldest AD out after I had taken her in temporarily as she had no where to go after 9 months in jail.
I left the now deceased exAH.
I got up this morning so very sad that I am finally throwing myself into completing my degree, and the family is busy enabling the youngest AD.
I know this too shall pass. It's just sometimes it really hits me hard how dysfunctional the family still is, and that I will never have the parents I wished I had who were healthy emotionally.
I felt myself slipping into that depression again, and pulled out a notebook and started charting all of my assignments/due dates this week for my 5 classes. I got so depressed late last year that I dropped 20 pounds, which I am slim anyway, and couldn't function. I'm still in therapy once a month as I feel the need for the additional support.
I know where the love and caring is that I need. It's with people like you.
I guess I just needed to type my feelings out, and thanks for taking the time to read this.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Why don't you come into the chat room? There are people there now. And, most hours of the day/ night. Remember on Sunday night, the meeting is at 7pm. Plan on that too. But, right now, come into the room with us. I've been through one of the deepest -darkest depression since like 10 years ago. I'd come into the room and just look/and read most times. Didn't even sign-in half the time. (I'm amazed they actually put up with me around here - to be honest.) And, 99% of the time, I was so depressed, I couldn't even follow what was being said. But- if you don't have a physical Alanon meeting to go to, come here. In fact, do both.
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"Yo se lo que debimos hacerlo" (I know what I've got to be.)
THSKS Giant hugs, missy...there are going to be days/nights like this, unfortunately. I have gone through some similar feelings lately as I have been in closer contact with my A mom than usual. Its another chunk of the grieving, I think (for me). We have to work so hard to overcome all that dysfunction, its amazing we are even still alive, in many cases. But we have overcome and we are overcoming and we are coming through in all our glorious color one day at a time. Know that you are loved and valued for exactly who you are here! Not just me, but by all of us.
I bet you feel trapped. I know I would. Its so understandable after what you have done to fight to where you are now. Just keep your self on school, plunge yourself into reading and studying and writing, just put all your energy there whenever you get that feeling. Learn, learn, learn!! Feel your brain grow! You are doing a wonderful thing for yourself and HP/god would not have brought you here unless s/he intended to bring you through. In no time you will again be the mistress of your world, honest!! Think about having little rocket launchers between your toes!! love and hugs and tons of good energy- J.
Oh Jean, you hit the nail on the head when you talked about another chunk of the grieving. That's exactly what it is. Every time I think I've worked through the entire process, something happens and everyone shows the ugliest side of dysfunction. Sigh.
Our little Alanon group that was started a few months ago fell apart too, and I have days I get depressed about that. My sponsor is hardcore AA/Alanon, and I can bounce anything off of him, but all I have is AA again for f2f meetings. Don't get me wrong; I need that very much.
It's just discouraging that I was the only one left standing who didn't back out of the commitment to Alanon in our tiny town.
There is a need, but I can't do it all by myself.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
THSKS, yeah, if it goes by the wayside, it means something better is on the way, I promise- this is why we need to lose stuff, let things go, to make way for something even better that we cannot even begin to imagine- sometimes we do not even recognize it.
You are doing just fine. We need to go through/process chunks of grief our whole life long; I think you reminded me of this once or twice before on this board and now I am reminding you and then next week you can remind me when I forget, OK?!!! HAHA! Deal?! laughing and loving YOU, J.
Now that both of my parents are gone, their children who are all AgrandCOA are now able to do what they want without hurting their parents. There was no alcohol but the behaviors ran rampant through my family of origin. It takes generations to cut all the strings and you ARE making a difference for the future.
I love the posting Maria123 does about the bridge. If you haven't read it before search for 'the bridge' and you will see Maria's post with a subject of 'Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery'
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
