The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My friend called me and asked me if I wanted to come over for lunch. I thought it was unusual for her to make me lunch. I went over her house and we had lunch. The next thing I knew she had asked me to watch her little daughter while she made a call to a customer (she works from home). I was playing with her daughter and then she asked me to take her outside because she was making noise. This lasted for 2 hours. I feel like I was setup. She also asked me if I wanted to go swimming in the pool where I live a month ago. She was on the phone the entire time we were at the pool. I feel like I am being used. I don't know if I am seeing reality for the first time or what this is. Now I have to ask myself if she is really my friend. I am really stupid when it comes to stuff like this. Has this happened to anyone else? I don't know what to do or if I am just crazy.
This reminds me of the adage: Use your friends wisely.
I have been in situations where I felt like I was being used. And at other times, I realized that maybe they just felt they could trust me unconditionally with their child, knowing that I would let no harm come to them. It really all depends on the situation as well as the person putting you in it. At least that's my understanding.
What I have done is asked what the deal was. I did it with love. Maybe that is something for you to consider doing?
well, how do you see it? is that how you define "friend"? do you think she respects and enjoys the time you have together?
in every relationship, i have to determine and judge by my definitions. after attending al-anon for a while, i started to see big red flags not only in my "dating" life, but also in my not so intimate life.
for me, there always has to be some resemblance of equality. whether it is a girlfriend or just a buddy. if it seems one sided... it probably is. it is my job to decide/judge whether i want that kind of person in my life. i've been treated that way before, and i felt drained and used, because the leaning always went one way.
you are smartest one to make these decisions for you!!! with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
For me I think honest communication is the best policy most of the time. I would consider just asking her about it. Or even just honestly share my feelings using only"I" statements (I feel ..., when you.....). I would try to give my friend the benefit of the doubt and hope that she just let herself slip into some rude behavior.
Another possible way to deal with it would be to just very firmly excuse yourself and leave the next time she does this. You have no obligation to stay that long after lunch, and I'm betting she would not do it if she found herself stuck on the phone with a customer and suddenly no free babysitter. After a couple of times you can probably guess if she continues to call you that she is a friend, if not then you were in fact being set up and she has figured out that it doesn't work anymore. Even if she is a friend, you have the right to set healthy boundaries and not be taken advantage of.
JMHO
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
You certainly are not stupid and do not need to beat yourself up. Plenty of us struggle with boundaries. I have to practice them all the time. Generally the rule is if you feel uncomfortable set limits. No is a hard word to say isn't it. Practice it. You have to practice to get better at it. Be nice to yourself rather than beat yourself to smithereens.
Thank you all for your responses. I decided that I had two choices. I could end the friendship or I could learn from it, so I decided the latter would be the best choice for me. I know with her that there are strings attached to her giving, so the next time I can decline offers. I helped her during a rough time in her life and helped her move into a house and I didn't expect anything in return because I thought that's what friends do for one another. I know to keep my side of the street clean and to make sure I have boundaries to take care of myself in the future. This stuff can get a little tricky sometimes.
