The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That phrase of accepting what I cannot change always has troubled me. My entire life, and I am now an old 66, I plunged right in and changed things I wanted changed (for the most part). I was independent and strong, positive, and successful in most everything I ever did.
I had a pretty wonderful family life for a long time. Then in his 30's my son's alcohol problems surfaced. Before that I saw only social drinking, just like my husband and our friends...no problems? Then the past five years, the failed and awful marriage, the wonderful grandchild with whom I cling to a tenuous relationship, the job loss, my cancer, the spouse's illness with no solutions as of yet......My mom passed in March and now an elderly Dad alone in another state and NOT doing so well as I had at first believed. ALL of this seems unchangeable...so I assume I am to continue working on changing my attitude toward all this stress and grief. My attitude is that life sucks and is not ever going to improve for me. I start each morning glad to wake up, trying hard to get up and get mobile, and have coffee and the morning paper...the best part of the day. After that it is always downhill. The phone rings with demands from EXDIL and then from son and then from relatives in Dad's state and then the spouse gets up groaning and complaining. My physical and mental state grows increasingly more negative. I come to the computer and log on here, trying to glean what I can from the ESH of others. But I can't change my life anymore. I can't change what has happened. And I can't accept it either. It makes for very hard days and nights. It makes for problems with my struggle to recover from the cancer treatments and to face the upcoming surgery in September for more treatment. It makes for difficulty to plan for a future which probably isn't going to happen for me.....the prognosis for my disease, if it recurrs, is 2 to 5 years. The older one is, the more grim the picture. So yes, I am depressed constantly. I don't want to die with unfinished business. My son is working on sobriety but his personality and anger levels are off the wall. My spouse has little to no sympathy for our son. The EXDIL remains in our lives although she mostly treats me like her babysitter and operates under shrouds of secrecy with new boyfriend, refusing to divulge anything about this guy who is living with her and our grandbaby. She makes me feel like s----under her feet most of the time. She treats my son just awful, refuses to communicate, refuses to adhere to a visitation schedule if she so chooses, refuses to allow my son to have access to her phone #, wants me to deliver the messages to him. Loves leaving only messages on his phone as she says she doesn't want to be bothered by him anymore. Oh God...it just goes on and on and on each day like this. I want to pack my bags and leave everyone. I contemplate just stopping all treatment and speeding up the end of this disease. Sorry...this sounds so awful. But that is how I feel. I am so alone all the time with all this. I can barely make it through the days.
So I leave with this question: how does one accept what one cannot change?
Accepting what I could not change for me was to get back to a very personal relationship with my higher power. I was positive that he was giving me more than I could handle but the bottom line was that the things I was obscessing over were not mine to handle.
I too have a son in addiction and turning loose of that was a HUGE step for me. After starting the program I finally learned that I had to let go of him so that he could take care of himself. In the process I learned how to take care of me. I don't do it perfectly yet but I'm working on it every day with my higher power.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
It's completely draining when caught in the dynamics between dysfunctional people, isn't it? ((((hugs))))
I struggled for so long with my oldest AD because of my grandchildren.
Perhaps I am wrong, but I do see a possible change you can make, and that is to step back and out of the picture with the dynamics between AS and his ex.
You don't have to be the 'messenger' if you choose not to.
This may be the point in your life where you won't be able to have communication/visitation with your grandson because you've chosen to put your very real needs first and leave the crap with AS and ex wife with the two of them.
I can't be a whole healthy person for anyone, not even my grandchildren, if I don't have boundaries and do what I need to do for me.
I know that stress has a profound affect on my physical health. The back pain is so much worse on days I let the stress get to me, not to mention battling depression.
Accepting doesn't necessarily mean we throw up our hands and become a doormat.
It means we recognize we can't change other people, but that we may have some choices to make in removing ourselves from toxic elements of our lives.
You are a child of God, just like me, and God wants you to take care of yourself. He can handle anything if we just turn it over to him!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I got very depressed with not being able to change the A. Then I got depressed with not being able to change the people around me. Then I got depressed with where live (I live in very humble circumstances).
Then I worked on detaching and started taking care of me.
Then I stopped wanting everyone around me to change.
I changed me.
I still don't like lots of things. I do not deal with the ex A. I do not deal with lots of things.
I am ill myself, certainly not in the same category as you but very disabled on many levels. I have kidney disease, asthma and more. I am deaf and can barely see.
I worked on accessing help for myself. I did not detach I would not be able to access getting that help. Months to get forms, months more to get stuff. I have to work on what can make my life better. I do that and I stopped being obsessed with what others didn't do.
I still have a lot of work to do but I did surrender that my life was absolutely unmanageable and I had to change.
Every day I try to make my life better and work on ways to make it more enjoyable. Some days are better than others but better is the point.
