The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was talking to my AH's sister and mentioned how I could no longer attend a meeting because my AH's schedule changed. She then commented, "don't you want to get your own identity?" When I questioned what she meant, she said something about " no longer being identified as the wife of an ex-alcoholic."
Yeah, obviously she doesn't get it. I didn't have the energy to even try. Just told her that wasn't what al-anon was about. How do you come to peace with others not understanding the disease or the program? I gave up even trying to share the program long ago because she made it clear she wasn't interested. My sis-in-law insists my AH's personality was always the way it is now, and aism has nothing to do with it.
I mentioned in another post that my A brother is coming out to visit. A one time successful engineer, he can no longer keep a job. He has lost his family, but wants them back, and refuses to get help. My cousin (his best friend) and my brothers, all of whom are very functional devoted family men, have believed his lies - hook, line and sinker. What makes it even more interesting is that one bro is a cop and one an attorney. What it comes down to, like with my AH's sister, is that they don't want him to be an alcoholic, even though they don't have any understanding of the disease. This only bothers me in that I believe their "support" of him is what is enabling him. My A brother has divided our family - men against women. I have engaged in it all very little and have been accused of not caring. Oh well. It will be interesting to see what happens when my bro gets here, for no one has spent any time with him since his disease has fully grabbed hold over the past couple of years. Even though I hope they "get it", I know I can't expect it.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I used to drive myself crazy banging my head against the wall when my parents started enabling my oldest AD.
I was convinced that I knew what was best, and that if they would just get their heads out of their butts, kick denial to the curb, and start working on their codependency issues, things would be better.
It was really painful to finally recognize that was the ego in me assuming that I knew best, rather than trusting in my higher power's plans for them as well as for me.
Although I did some more head-banging in this recent debacle with youngest AD/my parents, I didn't engage nearly as long, and took the steps I needed to, which was focusing on self and my goals, rather than remaining agitated over their dysfunctional dance, if you will.
They are going to do what they are going to do.
No amount of trying to explain/educate them is going to make a whit of difference, and will only frustrate me.
I've got faith in my higher power's plans today!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Um, here's me and MY co-dependence....your SIL pisses me off!!! LOL!!! As if. That is all I would say in respomse to her judgemental sillyness....As If.... Let her figure it out!!!
You do know that detatching makes us look cold and uncaring to those who are in full enabling mode. My mother LOVES to tell me how cold and uncaring I am!! That has become her favorite slam of me now that she can't call me a spoiled brat any longer. I guess going thru what I have gone thru in the past couple of years has shown her I am not a spoiled brat. I never was, she is but you know how that projection game works...
So, I say HooRAY for COLD and UNCARING!!!! We know that we are by no means cold or uncaring. We know we love more that the ones who live in denile and enable. We know that our love is healthier and comes from a place of true love not from selfish love. So good for us. Let them name call and sling their silly words. We know that we have found a different way and it is working for us.
My mother's warped love of her A brother is what helped kill him. She enabled him in every single way. Why? because she didn't know any better? Because it was what was expected of her? I don't know and I don't care. Was it because she wanted to feel love back from him and the only way she has ever known how to get love is by manipulation? She didn't care if he was killing himself with alcohol, all she care about was keeping him "happy" so that she could feel like he loved her. That is true with most enablers. They simply want to feel safe and loved and whatever it takes is what they will do to feel that way. Not very loving is it?
Good luck with your brother. Detatching with love is really showing pure love. The rest will take of itself...
I come to peace by not giving a flying "xxxx" what others think of me and my program. I love my program. It works really well for me. End of story. Hugs, J.
My family doesn't understand why I come to alanon and my aunt has said repeatedly, that we can't make real friends or have connections on-line. Amazing when people criticize things they know nothing about. Why would we listen to them?
I am interested in anything that brings inclusion, peace and understanding not exclusion, strife and judgement. My boundaries are such that now I can be content even if other's aren't. Also I keep working on JADE & MYOB ~ I don't have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain and I can mind my own business ~ if others don't mind their own business, I don't have to get upset about it or even answer them.
I can accept others don't get it and simply move on and let it /them go.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I'm right with you Lou about when others don't get what al anon is all about and when they don't understand what alcoholism is all about.
My AH went to his family gathering without us which was ok with us. What wasn't ok was my sil (marriad into the family like me) stating that he acted fine and didn't have any problem with his drinking. She's the only one I have shared a little with but it does irk me when you translate what they say to mean 'I don't believe you that he is an alcoholic'
Thankfully without stating a question I received support from both therapist and sponsor to never doubt myself, I am living in the insanity of an A in denial. These functional A's aren't physically violent and can keep a job but the pain from the verbal and emotional abuse is just as real.
No wonder we felt crazy before al anon with no one around to support what the reality of our life was like and how grateful I am to have al anon friends online and at f2f meetings. Keep believing in yourself, many of the answers are inside of us........maybe the whispers of our HP.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
those were the questions I asked a few days ago...the first one about being considered selfish and the second one the reaction of others about Al Anon.
About the first one, I liked the answer to make a difference in between selfish and self care. It does not seem much but it started me think about it another way.
About the second one, in little words, 'who cares what other think about it'. I am actively on this board since a couple of weeks and the first person to who I told, looked at me as if I was an alien. He did not understand, he critisiced, he did not try to understand my explanation or why I felt like being here. I got upset about it as I thought that if something should make happy or feeling better, person close to me, should also be happy for me. Then adding the 'who cares', it makes me think that maybe this person does not care all that much about me.
My ex AH family is a bit like yours. They never see (and still don't see) any problem in his drinking, always taking responsability for him when he causes trouble, in some way protecting him from the outside world. When I asked for the separation, I got critisized a lot for being 'selfish' in my choice and breaking apart a family with 2 kids. At the end, they (included my AH) never understood why I asked the separation! At the beginning I tried to justify myself, then with time I understood it was useless. Whatever I say, I will always be the guilty one at their eyes!
In my alcoholic family, the women think (alcoholic behavior) is just "men being men."
I've also been told my exAH's behavior is "probably just mid-life crisis".... or "male menopause." How grateful I am for my al-anon family!!!
As for me and my program, I'm learning to keep my mouth shut. "They gotta need it, they gotta want it, and they gotta ask for it." And even if they ask for it, I gotta be careful. Gotta pray and let God lead. Otherwise, my ego rambles on and on... I can be a real turn-off... unfortunately.
Stay close to your family of choice ((((Lou))))
-- Edited by glad lee at 14:23, 2008-08-22
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
No one really "gets it" unless they are living it, every day. I have learned this with my abf's family. I was always appalled that they excused his behavior by saying "well, that's just ____". I finally realized that they were just enabling his behavior rather than dealing with it. Before he moved in with me, he lived at home. There were never any consequences for his actions, and he had no responsibility. One of the conditions for our living together was for him to seek help for his disease. When he would drink in our home, there were always consequences. I admit that sometimes those consequences were for me to tell him to get out, which he never did, or would pack up some stuff, call a family member to come and get him, cuz he was too drunk/hungover to drive, and then the apology/promise game would begin. I was told by a family member that she basically did not want me around because SHE felt that I was not providing him with a stable envrinoment to work on his sobriety. I had to laugh at that as no one in his house has ever given him ANY stability or any consequences. At every family occasion the first words uttered when we walked thru the door were "Hey ____, beer's in the fridge, help yourself". I can honestly say that I have never purchased alcohol for him, nor had I ever offered him anything at any time or made it easy for him to get himself. When I began to withdraw and decline from family gatherings, I earned the name of "the b****". I stopped going because I couldnt stand that they were all so ready to offer him up. I was then accused of being selfish, yeah, let him go, I'll stay here, they can babysit and I can have the night off...never occured to them that I would be the one sitting home worrying that he was driving! I was also told that I really had no right to complain because I "chose" this. No, really, no one gets it like we do....no one ever will. But again, thats really not our worry. I am sure they have stuff in their lives that we will never get. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
One of the most liberating things I got from my recovery in alanon was it was not my responsibility to make sure other people "get it". Boy, I tried for years. Most of the time, I wasn't listening very well to anyone including myself. I just waited for my chance to convince them about what they were doing was wrong. Good for you for detaching from that! What they think of you is their business. We can detach with love.
