The material presented
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I have found two problems with my dating discomforts...
First is answering questions about what happened to my last relationship... I find myself not wanting to explain anymore why he doesn't see the kids (he's in jail) or why we split up (he's a heroin addict). On one date in particular they guy says gee you must hang with a really rough crowd... And I don't and never have. I guess I could see how it would seem that way to a professional who has never been close to someone with addictions. Ya he's in prison and a junkie... it does sound rough and I don't like to associate myself with it. Not really sure how to handle those questions and I don't like lying because I know if a relationship develops it'll come out later.
Part two is that I find myself very distrusting (not without good reason really) but I am falling back into my all men are bad/evil/liars... mode. I don't want to feel that way but I don't feel like I have ever met one who wasn't.
carolinagirl - I understand what you're saying, but I don't think a first date (or even a new relationship) warrants you having to account for what happened to your marriage. But if you really feel the need to respond, what's wrong with saying, "He's battling an addiction problem" and move the topic on and away from that. It's none of new guy's business, right?
As far as all men being bad/evil/liars, well......you and I both know that's not true - but as al-anons, we sure know how to attract those sorts, don't we?!?!?!
Just keep taking care of you - and get as healthy as you can be - and you're likely to attract the same.
Thats a hard one, but I think that R3 is right. A first date or even a second or several does not really seem to me like the time to elaborate about your very personal divorce situation. A date is not an interview for a job. It is ok to say "I'm not really comortable discussing something like that until we have gotten to know each other a little better. It really wasn't pretty." To me it's not hiding anything, it's setting a boundary of privacy for our own personal affairs. I wouldn't talk about my tax returns on a first date, right? Or a private health issue.
I have a hard time with thinking that I am not worthy of someone elses attention, that I am the one on trial when I meet someone. I am not dating, but I have a similar problem with a lot of interactions with meeting new people.
Anyway those are my thoughts. Hope they help somehow.
I'm glad to hear from you, CG. I was wondering how you were doing.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I am always interested to see a post from you, CG....you have been through so much and have grown so much in the months I have been reading your letters here.
You know what I wish? I wish everyone who has just gone through divorce would just sit back and NOT date for at least a year or two. I know...I know!! Unrealistic when you crave companionship and have the hope that THIS TIME something/someone better is just out there waiting.
Perhaps dating is a bit unnatural just yet. I so agree with Jen that it isn't necessary to give any detail at all to someone you have just begun to see. Why is it necessary? Think ahead to a non-committal response, practice saying it, and stick to it!!! If he is asking about those kinds of things, that isn't right at all.
I think at this point just relaxing and keeping private things private is the ticket you are seeking. If you can do that, there should be no discomfort...just some fun.
Well, CG when I date and the question comes up, and it does come up because most men do NOT understand a father NOT being a father, I simply say " He has a problem being consistent" and that usually confuses them enough to shut them up. That way I am not slaming the ex or defending him or myself. It also puts it all on my ex....he is not consistent, nothing to do with me at all. That's all him.
The freaks and wierdos find me. They just do. They think they are good enough for me and now I just laugh. Because they don't stand a chance. Poor freaky wierdos. I am not activly seeking a date, although I do not say no (unless it's a freaky wierdo). There are good guys out there...not perfect guys, but good guys for sure. I have my eye on one right now.
I gotta be real and honest and if they cannot deal, they cannot deal and off with them- I cannot hide and I cannot pretend to be something I am not. I have come to realize that the ones that stick around thru thick or thin and who really truly know my story think the world of me and my courage, etc.
Be yourself, CG. If they cannot deal, you do not want them around anyway. J.
I'm afraid I can't be of much help on the dating scene because I found my time was much better spent on other things and dating isn't even on my list of to-dos anymore!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Hmmmm. CG, how about saying. "This is a subject I do not wish to discuss." There's nowhere for them to go after that. Not every person needs to know your personal business.
Now I haven't much experience in attracting bad, evil, liars, so I don't think of men in that way. But you know better; so be careful, but allow yourself to enjoy the company of a date without the prejudging. On the other hand, maybe it's not quite time yet for dates.
Best to you,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 23:38, 2008-08-21
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
sorry for going offtopic but as we are talking about dating what about finding 'normal' guys boring...boring is not really the good word...finding things to easy...something like that...hard to find the right words???
So I am dating this man (since a couple of month), lovely person, always there if I need something, always ready to help (even money wise), really good with my kids, taking us out....my reaction, I refuse any help and get angry with him. He is strong headed and insists and the more he insists the more I feel angry as he does not take no as an answer. I feel like it is my problem and do not want 'owning up' to anyone.
For my part I did tell him about my ex AH. It comes out naturally and that went fine (also because I live in a small town and you easily get a reputation so that my AH is known around). About my best friend being a A, (hard to hide it as he calls me nearly everyday at any time of the day or night) that part does not go fine as he does not understand how I can put up with it.
Boh...sometimes I feel like I would be better of on a deserted island!
Along the lines of what others have mentioned, I think that something along the lines of "He's not currently in the picture" is plenty for an early dating situation. If I come across a topic I'm very uncomfortable with I tend to give the minimum amount of information necessary and tell the person it's something we can discuss later (once we've gotten to know each other better, if it gets that far). It's hard to know how much to disclose and when but you don't have to talk about anything you're not comfortable with, especially when you're just starting to spend time with someone.
I haven't done a lot of dating in recovery but I seem to be getting better at it. I'm still nervous about "screwing up" but I know that's just unhealthy thinking and I'm doing the best I can in each situation.
Right now I'm at that ever so confusing stage of making the sex decisions (am I ready, when's the best time, dealing with sticky situations, etc) and while I was doing ok with the light dating, I'm having a way harder time with this part. I guess it goes along with what you mentioned about trust. I care about the person I'm with, really want to give it a shot, and haven't been shown any reasons not to trust him but in the back of my head is still that little scared, jaded voice telling me that all the men I date are a-holes and liars and what not and no one can be trusted. I know that it's ridiculous to think every man is like the ones I've attracted before and this situation came about differently (not instant chemistry and I've handled it differently) so it's not necessarily the same but it just won't shut up! :P
But more back on topic, I think they key is really just doing and saying what you're comfortable with. You don't owe a first date full disclosure of personal things like that. You shouldn't feel guilty or bad about not discussing/explaining such things. Do what feels right to you and if they don't like it, that's their problem.
It is not my job to turn any red flags green. If the women I've dated judged me or reacted negatively toward the horrors I went through with my ex (including her being in jail), then I knew that that person was not for me. It is my job to break away from dating toxic people, no matter the "other" motivations going on inside me (ie loneliness, intimacy, romance). I am worth more than petty reactions. You are, too!
It took really learning how to love myself, before I could start learning how to "healthily" love another.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I admire your tenancity. I have currently put the dating on hold. I'm in far too bad a place at the moment. I'm trying to socialize (not that I have that much time for it). I've moved it back to coffee and that's about it. Nothing moves beyond coffee. I am so caught up in the trying to make my life better mode.
I admire the fact that you make time for this and also admire the fact you have made time for socializing too. I am trying to adapt your always have a plan be mentality
I think personally the mode of how you find them is crucial. Internet dating has a lot of time for asking questions because there usually is a long time before you meet in person. Personally I think its a whole art of what you do say and don't say in person. I have had to put the internet dating on hold and look at other ways to meet people.
Have you thought about Parents without Partners, any other social groups you can go to. Personally the issue of my ex does not come up but that's because I am pretty intent on what I want which is a very low key interaction. After all I am coming from high drama, high stress, high dependency on both ends.
I can't say I am successful but I'm wiling to look at options. I have some. Right now I am pretty much on survival so my options are less when I move into better stability and especially when I get an apartment that will be so diffferent.
. I am not activly seeking a date, although I do not say no (unless it's a freaky wierdo). There are good guys out there...not perfect guys, but good guys for sure. I have my eye on one right now
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