The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its his disease, NOT MINE! His abuse of drugs and alchol has damaged his body. My dreams of having a child with the man I love are shot. His sperm count is too low. At my annual pap exam, my doc tells me that after 40 MY fertility is cut in half. I am 36 now. And tells me that my A needs serious test done since his sperm count is so low. He fears that there is much damage to his liver. Not only dreading that awful exam that us women have to go through each year, I was hurt by the reality of the fact that my husband is an alcholic.
I call my husband,who is now on his day one at work for the next 7 days. And as usual, have to communicate over the phone to him and get the dreaded response of "we'll talk about this when i get home". Which will be in 6 days. UGH... I am hurt now and I want to be over it in 6 days....so I press the topic. And his response....well, don't you think we need to see if we can get along before we try to have a child. I know in my heart, that he doesn't want to have a child. His low sperm count is probably a blessing to him. I told him that maybe he should foucs on staying sober so that we can get along.
I am tired. I am tired of HIS disease. When will I be tired enough and just leave this messed up marriage?
And I miss him and he hasn't been gone 24 hours. I don't know if I miss him or just don't like being at home alone.
I dunno..........But I am sure he is fine and dandy!!!!!!
I was lucky enough to get a copy of Getting them Sober in the very generous offer above. In the book the author states quite clearly they are not having fun. I believe her. I really did buy the stuff for years that they had fun and I didn't.
Of course I don't have the answer for you about what to give to your marriage. I know I was over invovled with an A for 7 years and felt tremendousl y committed and always ambivalent. When times were bad I was even more committed. I was very dependent on him and always calling and seeking some reference that he was committed too. He was committed to his disease and there was no room for me in there.
The irony is after I left him it was the A who called and called and called. When it got to a certain point I started calling.
I don't have children. I am glad I did not have children with the A. I know plenty of people who had children with A's who are very grateful and feel blessed. I did have lots of comitments with the A though and I got left with them. My credit is devastated, my health is kaput and I am poorer than a church mouse. I saw red flags early on in a relationship that was never supportive and I didn't act on them.
I was always asking the A to give and he didn't give. I know now that is a sure sign. I kept asking even when all he did was to cause tremendous problems. When I lost all hope things changed for me. I had to really work on a program to give up "hope".
"I told him that maybe he should foucs on staying sober so that we can get along. "
Hate to tell you this, but sobriety is no walk in the park either. Waiting for him to sober up in the hopes that it will solve all your problems is not really a very good strategy. All the issues are still there - and, yes, you have some too, it's not all just him. And those of us who grew up in alcoholic homes can tell you better than I can about what it means to bring a child into this.
I suggest you get to meetings, if you aren't going. Read everything you can - alanon CAL, books such as the Getting Them Sober series, books on codependency, posts here. All of this will help you get the clarity you need in order to make the right decision for you.
I am sorry you are going through this. I wanted children badly too and there was a time, I was told I would need fertility. In the end it happened naturally twice for me. In my experience, though, having children with an A is very much like being a single parent. I knew I always wanted to be a mother, so I don't regret it, but it is much harder than what my siblings and friends are dealing with and at times my resentments are hard for me to keep at bay.
I wish you all the best. I think it is great that you are reaching out to those in recovery. I encourage you to continue to do so. It has been invaluable to me in my journey.
Based on my experience, I will confirm the fact that 1.sobriety is not the answer to all 2. having a child with an A it is like being a single mother
I had 2 kids with my ex AH. I will say right now that my H did want children. The first one was born while his drinking was pretty much under control. It was fine by me as I was still very much in love and I didn't think further more. With the second one, I remained pregnant during one of his (many) period of sobriety. Once again, I did believe that the problem was resolved once and for all (I didn't know what I know now) but during the pregnancy, he went back to drinking. I then realise that maybe, bringing another child to life was an error. I spent many nights awake and crying to understand what I should do about it...even considered the abortion. I remember being angry with my mother as I told her about my doubts and her only asnwer had been 'you wanted the bike? Now pedal!' (not sure you use this expression in english). A bit harsh but she was right. At the end, I kept it, knowing that from now on, it was a choice I done by myself and the kids would be my own responsability.
I can understand that you want a child but think about it carefully. You say to love him, you say to miss him or maybe it is just because you feel lonely, you are talking about a messed up marriage, you are tired...sounds pretty confusing to me.
It is great that you are seeking help in one way or another and I think that right now, it is the most important part...thinking about yourself. I wish I had the intelligence to do so before.
About the fine and dandy...my best friend is an A. When he drinks, he does not have a care in the world and looking at him from the outside, I could envy him for all the funny time is having. I also now that once in a while a little spark goes in head and he realise what's happening and hate himself for being what he is. When he is sober, he feels like an outsider and alone, fighting against himself and hating himself for being 'different'....does not seem like fine and dandy for me, sober or not! I would not want to be at his place!
PS: I have loads of friend who had children in their forties...maybe not as easy as a twenty years old but neither does 40 means the end of it all
I'm sorry for all this hard news. My one suggestion is that you keep to your recovery program and try to remember how we codependents tend to blow small possibilities of problems into full blown crisis. I understand all your concerns about having children, but I am betting that even taking into consideration his low sperm count and your age(which by the way is no where near too old to have children) that your doctor is still advising you to use appropriate contraceptive until you decide for sure to have a child. Ask about that. When you look at it that way it doesn't sound quite so doom and gloom.
I know it sounds to you like your clock is ticking very loudly, but a lot can happen in recovery in a year or two. I would suggest putting a lot of effort into your own reovery. You are NOT 40 yet, and that is not the glass ceiling for childbirth that it once was anyway.
I don't know if you and your AH should have children or not, but it would be more prudent for at least one of you to be in a good healthy recovery before that were to happen. And from the point of view of a mother of 2 with an AH, you had better understand what you are getting yourself into if you do decide to have a child with an A. The others have mentioned feeling like single parents, but it felt to me more like being a single parent with an extra very sick/disabled child(the AH) in the house.
Remember that this is a progressive disease. If your AH does not get sober, he will get worse. I would recomend that you get to many face2face meetings and talk to people who have children and then make yourself a plan.
Your own recovery is the first and foremost priority. Without that there is nothing else.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. Remember to take what you like and leave the rest.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you, everyone! Yes, I am confused. Very many mixed emotions. I try to focus on JUST TODAY. Rationalizing about the future makes me sick. I have to remind myself to take care of myself. Today I seem much better than yesterday. It all hit me at once yesterday at the doctors office and I couldn't shake it off. I'll get where I need to be, just one step at a time.
Sincerely :) Tonya
Abbyal, I found a meeting, I just haven't gotten there yet. Gotta get there, I know.
I agree with most of the postings. It's really not fair to put a child in that situation knowing that your husband is and active A. And even if he sobers up there are other problems that are in him that make him an addict. I have three wonderful kids, but I don't wish this upon them. See your H in the future at one of their little league games drunk and making a scene, or have him yell at them in one of his drunken rages, or miss important things because he is too busy at a bar, or have the A put their mother down to them, or put them in a car and drive with them under the influence, or a home filled with saddness and anxiety. Nothing will get your AH to stop drinking especailly not children and especially if they are not wanted by him. Every child should be wanted and should be raised in a healthy safe enviroment.
