The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been trying so hard to find a better job... trying to sell the house... decided to speak up to my divorce attorney by filing a grievance against him to let him know he's billed me unfairly... so many things... I've never had to do on my own.
My sponsor, who can't talk much this week b/c of a business convention, reminded me that depression is anger turned inward... and to write about what i was feeling. I did that. I wrote that I feel angry that everything is so hard!!! I'm angry that I didn't go to school during my marriage so that I could find a decent job now... I'm angry that the house hasn't sold yet... I'm angry that my ex AH won't help me with the house... I'm angry that I ended up with a cheat for an attorney...
I feel angry. I know that I am fighting with my HP and that I will never win. Indeed, I feel very angry at Higher Power!! Of course, THAT creates anxiety in me... for putting out a low vibration into the universe so that, I will keep getting what I'm putting out.... AAAAAH!!
My sponsor always says that "God didn't bring you this far to drop you on your head"...
But, it sure feels like it!! Today, it does.
She also told me to get still. And go to the park that I love. I haven't done this part yet. I feel too .... angry.
ugh. Thanks for letting me vent.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
The first step in getting well is realizing that we are sick.
When I don't feel close to my higher power I am reminded of what I was told by a member of AA. He said when you don't feel close to your higher power ask yourself who moved?
A couple of years ago I was so stressed out I didn't know what to do. One morning I woke up and absolutely could not remember what I was supposed to be stressed out about that day. So I took some advice I had been given and "got still". Instead of getting up I layed very still and imagined all of the stressful things I was trying to deal with on one plate. One by one I mentally took them off the plate and looked at them and asked myself some questions. Such as...Is there really anything I can do about this? Is this any of my business? Can I fix this? etc. If the answers were no I mentally discarded that particular problem and allowed as how my higher power would take care of it. I continued around the plate looking at each individual item asking the same questions and discarding them. When I got to the middle of the plate the only thing left was ME. I was the only thing I could do anything about, I am my business and nobody elses and I am the only one that can fix me.
As my sponsor has told me...When you are ready the solution and the tools will be made available to you. In the meantime take care of you because you are the only one that can do that.
HUGS
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I think it would only be natural to be angry given your circumstances. I hae the issue of wanting everything right now!
I did not marry the A who I was with but I was with him for more than 7 years. We shared everything or rather he took everything. I could not imagine leaving him. I did leave more than a year ago and its taken a year to get my bearings. i think it may be hard to hear but leaving takes a while. You are not alone in the housing market. Unless you are in a great market it takes a while to sell things.
I know I beat myself up mercielssly that I did not leave the A long long long long ago. The issue is I did leave him. I'm no longer there dealing.
The A would help with nothing unless he felt like it. When I finally get to accpet he is ill I can understand that. I don't like it but I understand it. I wanted a partner I got an albatross (at the end at least).
You are not alone in being where you are. Would you shoulda coulda woulda someone else in the same position.
Some anger can be healthy. I am determined never again to be with an active A. I think that's healthy. I can't beat myself up for what I did or didn't do. I simply did the best I could and that was all I knew how then.
Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are moving along.
