The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I am coming back here as my AH is now out of rehab and in his sober living home, checked in yesterday I guess....still hasnt been home to see the kids and asked ME to pack all of his things......hardest thing I have EVER done..... As I mentioned before, he decided after he went into treatment that he no longer loves me and wants to leave our marriage. He is in a sober living home for 90-120 days and he says the schedule there is rigorous, with the outpatient meetings etc....and he will try to see our 3 yr and 6yr old as often as he can, this is one of his goals. He, to me is being so nice in an almost, we are already divorced in my mind, so lets move on and be nice 'for the kids sake'....and this kills me inside because I love him so much. I am still working on me, trying to be at peace, I wrote him a 6 page letter that I wanted to give to him "to read when he was ready" basically explaining what I have learned about ME and my co dependent ways and how sorry I am for all that I put him through, not a plea for him to come back....just a way for me to let him know that I am really sorry and that I do see and acknowledge now all of my controlling ways, etc.....I was awful to him and now that I see why and what it was that had such a gripping hold of me, it ANGERS me that I may NEVER have the chance to show him...... When I took vows I took them through the good and bad and although he is sick and in recovery and I am helping myself to and getting better and stronger and learning to love me....I feel like I am going to have to live down what I was to him for the past few years at the cost of losing him, instead of loving him still as I do, forgiving him, wanting to work on our marriage someday, with the help of a counselor, etc..... and its like he is just throwing his hands up and saying...no thanks! I am done. Trying everyday to be strong, especially for my kids, as I am all they have had for the past three weeks....its so hard to become a single parent overnight.... I just stay silent, allow him his space, mind my own business, just respond to his texts and that is it......
one of the miracles I experienced while first working the al-anon program was that I took GOD off the shelf, dusted GOD off, and put GOD back into the center (of my thinking). having a "Higher Power" allows me to not make predictions. having a "Higher Power" allows me to not know what is in store for my life, yet still be content and happy with how I'm living.
you will have your chance to clean up your side of the street... i have found when i wrote a whole bunch, that my intended recipient isn't the one that finds healing when i tell them i screwed up. it is me... i get the healing from my writing. i learned that, sometimes, it was better that i just keep my letters until some time goes by. time lets me see things with more clarity.
lots of love and hope in finding your path cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Hang in there. And before you do or say anything, just wait. Give it all some time and space. Start really working this program. Check out step one. Start there. Get to a face to face and get a phone list. Get some of the pamphlets and books and start reading. All hope is not lost. Your life WILL get better. I know (believe me) I KNOW how bad this hurts right now. This too shall pass. Hang on, do what you need to for yourself.
Some of the things I did when trying to hang on to my marriage were insane. I mean truly insane. And I would walk into a meeting, sobbing so hard I could barely breathe and so scared that the people were going to tell me I was stupid, or a lost cause. And they didn't! They put their arms around me and hugged me and told me they had done/thought the same things. This disease kills people and rips apart families. It is awful. But here, we understand. We understand the insanity, the grief, the pain and the confusion, the frustration and the depression. We get it like no one else can.
One...WE admitted WE were powerless over alcohol (alcoholics) and OUR lives had become unmanagable. WE are right there with you. You are not alone in this.
Well, I am in a similar place. My AHsober said I don't love you and want a divorce. This was after couples counseling. It is a small comfort that we are a statistic. Evidently many marriages end after sobriety. Because they A's realize that that they are codepedent when they get sober - no skills when they don't have a drink. My sons are grown but I know this separation impacts them. Hang in there Look to your HP for solace.
They realize they are co dependent too? What do you mean, no skills when they dont use ( he used narcotics)... he said he used because of his dissatisfaction in me and our marriage. But yet he loved me the day he went in and as soon as he started counseling in there, now he doesnt want to ever come home and says he doesnt love me!!!
He used because of his dis satisfaction in you ??? Please that is bs I hope u know that . blaming you is just him not willing to take responsibilty for his own stuff . If you were powerful enough to make him use , u would have been powerful enough to make him stop . Hopefully someone in his meeting will call him on his crap and excuses before he looses the only person who really cares about him . next time he starts to blame think about this l ittle saying that really helped me alot , take the ME out of BLAME and u have bla bla bla . hang in there it will get easier . Louise
My dear, Please know that we can never make someone use. We are often a good excuse as are many others. If you had had the power to make him use you would have had the power to make him stop.
Put the responsibility for his actions exactly where they belong...on his shoulders.
The best thing I have learned here is that I will never in my lifetie control anyones, actions or thoughts except my own.
Take care of you and your little ones. You and they are worth it!
lilms
__________________
Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
I can't even count the number of times the A I was with blamed me for his problems. He told everyone, the neighbors, his family all of them I was the source of it. At one point I went to cunselling and he held that out as the beacon for that I was "sick".
The issue is you are not divorced yet. He is being very cold and that hurts. I'm not sure a letter will change that. Many A's blame and indeed there are schools of thought that talk about the "i"m sorry" drunk. Many of them have huge sob storied about how hard its been for them and refuse to look at how they contributed.
I don't actually think any codependent contributes to an A drinking at al or makes them sick or forces them to be cold and heartless in recovery. In Al anon we subscribe to the mandate "we can 't cure them, we can't contol them and we didn't cause it" That's called the three C's.
Personally if I were you I would be pretty fed up with the idea of taking care of the chidren and your A insistng that he can't contribute and will come over when he feels like it. I would be very angry indeed. As Codependents we tend to take on the blame for things.
I'm not sure what resource you have available to you. There are lots here within this group. First of there are excellent meetings twice a day as well as a chat room avaialble all day. Why not go there, pour your heart out. Get out al lthose feelings, the rage, the sense of abandonment, the pain of his alcoholism. Put it out there and be "heard".
I'm not sure your A is in a place where he can "hear" much. I don't know that the A I was with for 7 years ever "heard" me.When I stopped waiting around for him to hear me was really when my recovery began. I had to be here for a while to get to that.
Your relationship is not over yet. You still have to be divorced.There are lots of issues to be sorted out. He can't just park you and the children by the garbage and run off. You may feel like that but it isn't the case.
You did absolutely nothing, nada, not one thing to make him drink, use and get to his current situation. All that falls on him and he has to want to look at it rather than shift all the blame on you and pretend to be in recovery.
Look for help where you can get it. I go to therapy twice a week. I'd go three times if I could. Get a counselor talk about your feelngs, get out from isolation. Go to a mother's support group, go to Al anon face to face meeitngs if you can.
Above all keep coming here, keep reading the literature and start looking at recovery. We do recover. We do get better.
As Maresie has said, it is called blame shifting, and it is one of the halmarks of their disease. You are still dealing with a very sick person. A couple of weeks of not using does not a sober person make. No matter what you have done, there is probably someone in this program who has done the same, and there is nothing you could have done that would make him drink/use if he didn't want to. He has a disease and you are not controling it.
Please try to get to some face2face meetings. Keep the focus of your life on yourself for awhile and see how it goes. You cannot change him, but your life can get better.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
